Swim
by gleefan13
Summary: Deep down Callie knows that what Rita told her is true – the universe isn't against her – but sometimes it certainly feels like it is. Cancer. All it takes is that one word to change the entire Foster family forever. Unable to run from this problem, there is nothing Callie can do but keep her head above as she finally learns what it truly means to have a family to depend on.
1. Prologue: You Gotta Swim

A/N: So...I've been slowly working on this story for sometime now (I'm pretty sure I'm the slowest writer in the history of the world) and I just wanted to preface it with a few things. I actually got the idea when I saw the preview for the finale where Callie says that it feels like the universe is against her. It was pretty clear that that statement had something to do with the adoption but I thought it would be interesting if she'd actually been referring to something much different.

After actually seeing the finale though, I decided to modify my original concept to incorporate the non-adoption, mostly because it facilitates one specific conversation that I want Callie to have with Stef and Lena. Other than that, the only other thing from the finale that I will be incorporating is the pregnancy (I'm going to ignore the Brandon and Mike story lines), so you can probably just consider this AU from before the start of the finale.

I also wanted to mention that I have very limited knowledge of the US medical system and am definitely in no way a doctor, so please forgive any inaccuracies on that front. If there's something you feel is really off base though, or there's just something you'd like to discuss, I'm always open to suggestions.

The story title (and the lyrics in this prologue/intro) come from the song Swim by Jack's Mannequin, which was written about the lead singer's experience with Leukemia. It's a fabulous song and definitely worth a listen.

I can't think of anything else right now but I'm sure I'm forgetting something...oh well...I hope you enjoy...

xxxxxx

_**Prologue: You Gotta Swim**_

___Just keep your head above  
Swim  
_

In the short sixteen years that she'd been alive, more bad things had happened to Callie than happened to most people over the course of their entire lives. It seemed like every time she got even close to feeling comfortable or happy, some new terrible thing would happen and she would be back at square one. Deep down she knew that what Rita had told her was true – the universe wasn't against her – but sometimes it certainly felt like it was.

Callie had once told Jude that the Foster's weren't like them – that they were lucky. She'd let herself believe, let herself hope, that becoming one of them, that officially being adopted, would mean that her and Jude would inherit that luck. She'd imagined that officially being adopted would make her feel a little less like the entire universe was against her.

But then she hadn't been adopted and she'd never felt more unlucky.

Rita had explained to her that sometimes you just have to stick around long enough for your luck to change and, despite her natural instincts screaming at her to run, Callie really was willing to wait – the Fosters were, after all, worth waiting for.

The problem with waiting, however, was that, in the meantime, her luck, or lack thereof, was still her own. She was still Callie Jacob and, as she'd learned time and time again, bad things just had a tendency to happen to her.

_You gotta swim  
And swim when it hurts  
The whole world is watching  
You haven't come this far  
To fall off the Earth_

Callie was sixteen years old when she first heard the words, "It looks like cancer."

Those words were forever ingrained in her memory, that moment in time, unforgettable.

In that moment, time had slowed and her whole world had stopped. In that instant there had been no past, no future – there had been absolutely nothing but that moment.

In that moment she hadn't yet been at the point where she was ready to face what was ahead of her, she hadn't been ready to be strong, she hadn't been ready to fight, she hadn't been ready for anything. Those things would come later. In that moment, when she'd heard the word cancer for the first time – really heard it because no matter how many times she'd heard the word cancer before that moment she'd never actually _heard_ it – she'd just been confused.

It hadn't made any sense.

All of the bad things that had happened in her life up to that point had not prepared her for that moment.

She might have known that she was unlucky but never in a million years could she have imagined that she would be diagnosed with cancer.

___You gotta swim  
Swim for your life  
When you're not so sure you'll survive  
_

Cancer was a problem unlike any other problem that Callie had ever faced and she was completely ill-prepared to deal with it. She couldn't run from cancer and, despite how hard she tried, she learned that she couldn't get through it on her own either. In the most difficult moments, she had to learn to rely on the Fosters in a way that she hadn't relied on anyone but herself in a very long time.

Until her diagnosis, she hadn't_ really_ understood how much of herself she'd been holding back from her new family. She hadn't _really_ understood how much of an effect she had on them either.

Callie may have been the one to be diagnosed but cancer happened to all of the Fosters. Cancer changed them all.

_Yeah you gotta swim  
Don't let yourself sink  
Just find the horizon  
I promise you it's not as far as you think  
_


	2. Chapter 1: A Single Word

A/N: The chapters probably won't all be this long but there were just quite a few things I wanted to cover off in this fist part. I apologize if you dislike long chapters.

xxxxxx

_**Chapter 1: A Single Word**_

It started with a cough two weeks after Callie's non-adoption. Not a regular cough but a loud hacking, painful sounding, cough that made everyone around Callie cringe. Jesus proclaimed it sounded like a cat coughing up a hair ball, while Brandon liked to debate that it sounded more like a seal. Regardless of which boy was right, the cough sounded so terrible that Mariana decided that it was probably the plague, which scared Jude so badly that she had to spend twenty minutes convincing him that she'd only been kidding.

It took three days of non-stop coughing for Stef and Lena to stop listening to Callie's protests that she felt fine and insist that she was going to see a doctor whether she liked it or not.

Brandon had made the transition from pediatrician to general practitioner on his last birthday, so, with Callie being the same age, it was their GP that they placed the call to. He saw her that same day, listening to her chest and checking her throat before prescribing her some antibiotics and a puffer and, much to Callie's dismay, insisting that she come back in a week so that he could see how she was doing. Callie just looked down at her feet when Stef smirked, "So you're fine, huh?"

The antibiotics and the puffer helped – or at least, much to everyone's relief, the frequency of her coughing decreased significantly after a few days of using them – but the night before the follow up appointment that she'd spent nearly the whole week quietly suggesting that she didn't need to go to, Callie came home from school with a sore throat. She didn't mention that she wasn't feeling great but the way she pushed her food around her plate at dinner gave her away.

It wasn't until after dinner when Stef approached her so that she could place a hand on her forehead to see if she was warm that she noticed the swollen lump over Callie's left collarbone. A frown instantly came to Stef's face as she asked, "What's wrong with your neck?"

The ensuing disagreement about whether or not they should go to the emergency room ended with Lena siding with Callie, a pointed, "Stef, she's seeing Dr. Malik tomorrow. As long as she can breathe fine, it can wait one night," being directed at her wife. It wasn't that she wasn't concerned – it was just that she understood that sometimes you had to pick your battles.

Stef wasn't happy but she couldn't really argue with the logic.

Callie, for her part, wasn't worried about her swollen neck at all. She was, however, annoyed about the sore throat. _Shouldn't those antibiotics that she was on have prevented it?_ She hated being sick. Maybe it was because in her previous foster homes being sick had always been precarious – at best it had been an obvious annoyance to her foster parents, at worst it had been a reason to be moved to another home.

Even the next day when the doctor seemed less concerned about her sore throat and much more concerned about the lump, not right out dismissing it as being nothing as she'd assumed he would, she still wasn't concerned. She just shrugged when he handed Lena a requisition to take her to have blood work, an ultrasound, and a chest x-ray done and told them that he would call later that day when the results came in. She was, however, confused about why she needed a chest x-ray at all since she'd basically stopped coughing but she figured it wasn't worth arguing over.

It had been five years since Callie had had blood work done and for a brief instant before the lab technician stuck the needle in her arm she wished she hadn't refused Lena's offer to come with her – she would never admit this out loud but it might have been nice to have someone's hand to hold onto to distract her. She managed to not cringe when the needle slipped below her skin though and the ultrasound and the chest x-ray that followed were painless. All that was left to do after that was go home and wait.

The phone didn't ring until five o'clock. The doctor told Lena that only the ultrasound results had come back, the lump was a swollen lymph node but there weren't any red flags and she should tell Stef not to panic over the weekend – clearly he knew her wife well. The next time the phone rang, fifteen minutes later, Stef was the one to pick it up. It was the doctor again, his words were less re-assuring. He was vague, admitting only that there had been a problem with the chest x-ray, and wanting to know if they could bring Callie to the hospital for a CT scan the next morning.

xxxxxx

Everyone else was still asleep when Callie and Stef left for the hospital at 7am the next morning. Callie was quiet on the drive there and Stef didn't push her to talk.

Logically Callie knew that when a doctor insisted that you come in on a Saturday to be scanned that something must be wrong but she still couldn't muster up the energy to be too worried. She didn't know exactly what they thought they'd seen on the chest x-ray but she was sure that whatever it was, it would be fine.

Stef, on the other hand, had managed to terrify herself with the worst possible outcome. After the kids had gone to bed last night she'd made the mistake of googling the words 'swollen lymph node' and 'chest x-ray' and she hadn't liked what she'd read one bit. Lena had eventually had to take the laptop away from her, telling her softly to calm down before she gave herself a heart attack and that there was no sense worrying until they had something to actually worry about.

As Stef pulled into a parking spot at the hospital and shifted the vehicle into park, she glanced over at Callie, "Ready sweets?"

Callie turned her head to look at Stef, shrugging, "I guess." She had no idea what to expect – she'd never had a CT scan before.

Stef nodded, getting out of the car and wrapping an arm around Callie's shoulder as she led the way to the diagnostic imaging section of the hospital. They got Callie checked in before taking a seat in the small empty waiting room to wait for the radiologist to come out to talk to them.

It wasn't long before the radiologist came over with two cups in her hands and a clipboard tucked under her arm. She smiled gently at the pair, before setting the cups on the table in front of Callie and pulling the clipboard out from under her arm.

"Callie, I presume?" The radiologist directed her question at Callie, waiting for the small nod before turning to Stef and adding, "…and Mom?"

Stef felt Callie tense beside her and she couldn't help but reach for her hand and squeeze it tightly as she answered, her voice firm, "that's me."

"These are for you then," the radiologist smiled again, handing Stef the clipboard and explaining that the attached papers were release forms for the test to be completed, before she looked back at Callie, "Have you ever had a CT Scan before?"

Callie shook her head.

"Okay, it's pretty easy. Basically it's just a big picture taker," The radiologist explained simply before motioning to the two cups on the table, "Those are to help us see what's going on inside. We're also going to use a contrast dye that we administer via IV to help make things clearer as well." She paused before asking, "Do you have any questions?"

Callie shook her head again but Stef asked curiously, "What's in the drink?"

"Barium sulfate mixed with orange flavoured juice," The radiologist explained. "It's kind of just like orange Kool-Aid," she added for Callie's benefit.

Both Callie and Stef nodded.

"Okay, if you don't have any more questions, I'll get you to go ahead and drink the first cup now." She eyed the metal on Callie's jeans before deciding, "Then we'll get you changed into a hospital gown and I'll get an IV connector set up for you before you finish the second cup. After that, we'll do the actual test."

After the radiologist had walked away from them, Callie slowly picked up the first of the two cups, eyeing the contents skeptically before taking a small sip of the orange liquid, a grimace instantly coming to her face.

"Tastes that good, huh?" Stef smirked.

"It's delicious," Callie smirked back, "Want some?" She offered the cup to Stef jokingly.

"Sorry love," Stef smiled sympathetically, reaching over and brushing some of Callie's hair behind her ear, "Every last drop of that is for you."

Callie laughed, taking a large gulp of the drink, managing not to grimace at the taste this time, "Fine. But you're really missing out."

Stef laughed, "I'll just have to take your word for it.

Half an hour later the radiologist gave Callie a gown to change into and pointed her in the direction of the change room, waiting for her to return so that she could guide her to the cubby where she was going to place the IV connector she needed to administer the contrast dye. As she motioned to Callie the direction they were headed, the radiologist glanced back at Stef, "Mom can come too if she wants."

Stef could see that Callie was about to protest but she immediately stood and closed the distance between them, grabbing Callie's hand and squeezing it tightly in her own, hoping that that would keep Callie from protesting any further.

Callie wanted to tell Stef that she would be fine by herself but Stef was giving her one of her determined looks and Callie knew there was no point arguing. She would never admit it but once she was seated she realized that her previous suspicion that it would be nice to have someone hold your hand to distract you during a needle insertion was indeed true. Not wanting to seem too pleased with Stef's insistence on staying with her, she kept her eyes on the hand that Stef was holding as the radiologist inserted the needle into her arm and taped the IV connector into place – the actual line would be attached later.

Stef held Callie's hand the entire time the IV connector was being inserted, trying to look casual, even though she was pretty sure she was sweating. She kept reminding herself that she was a police officer, she was tough, and, besides, she wasn't the one they were inserting the needle into, but she couldn't seem to stop the queasiness she felt. She was incredibly happy when the radiologist declared that they were all done and directed them back to the waiting room so that Callie could drink her second cup of orange mystery drink.

Once the contents of the second cup were sloshing around in her stomach, the radiologist brought Callie back into the room with the CT scanner – this time Stef was not invited. As she settled Callie onto the bed of the donut shaped machine and hooked the IV line into the connector in Callie's arm, she explained a last few things to Callie, "The bed you're on is going to slide back and forth through the machine and it will give you instructions to breathe in, hold your breath, and release." She waited for Callie to nod before she added, "I'll let you know when I'm about to inject the contrast dye. I like to warn patients their first time that it's going to feel warm and also that it might feel like you're peeing but, don't worry, I promise you won't actually be."

Callie's eyes widened at this new information, swallowing as the radiologist patted her arm reassuringly.

The radiologist smiled kindly at the girl lying in front of her before adding, "Alright, I'm going to step out now. When I tell you to put your arms over your head through the speaker please do so and then I'll start the test. Okay?"

"Okay," Callie mumbled her agreement quietly.

The room was silent for several minutes as Callie lay still on the bed waiting for the radiologist's instructions. The room was cold and she shivered in nervous anticipation of what was to come next, trying not to let her thoughts get the better of her. She was glad when the radiologist's voice finally spoke to her through the speaker, telling her to move her arms over the head.

As Callie obeyed, the machine whirred to life. The bed passed back and forth through the machine a couple of times, Callie breathing in and out as instructed, before the radiologist's voice came through the speaker again, warning her that the contrast dye was about to be injected. The sensation was instantaneous. The radiologist hadn't been kidding when she said that it would feel like she was peeing and, when she had said warm, Callie hadn't imagined that her entire body from head to toe would feel like it was toasting from the inside out. The feeling was short lived though and before she knew it the machine was telling her to let out her final breath and the radiologist was coming back into the room to disconnect her IV and direct her back to the change room so that she could put her own clothes back on.

When the radiologist emerged with Callie, Stef tried to search the woman's face for some kind of indication of what the test had or hadn't showed but the woman's face was given nothing away. Finally deciding that the woman must be an excellent poker player and giving up, Stef stood, heading over to Callie and placing a soft kiss in her daughter's hair, asking, "How was it?"

"It was like being lit on fire," Callie grumbled quietly.

Stef raised a concerned eyebrow, "That good?"

Callie shrugged then, realizing that that had probably sounded a bit dramatic. "It was fine," she modified her previous response, clarifying, "It didn't hurt or anything."

Stef sighed – just because it hadn't hurt it didn't mean that Callie had to be fine with it – but she just wrapped an arm around Callie's shoulders, pulling her close before leading the way back to the parking lot.

As they got in the car, Stef smiled over at Callie. "Hey? What do you say we pick up some donuts to bring home?" She figured that after having to drink that nasty looking orange mystery drink, Callie deserved a treat – and she couldn't very well get donuts for just one of her children, she'd never hear the end of it.

"I think Lena wouldn't approve," Callie smiled back at her as she snapped her seatbelt into place.

"I think you're right," Stef's eyes twinkled. They were definitely picking up donuts on the way home – she was certain that Lena would forgive her this one time.

xxxxxx

Lena was the one to take Callie back to see the GP Monday afternoon to get the results of the CT scan. Stef had wanted to come too but it was short notice and, with the flu recently spreading through the department like wildfire, they were already running thin. Still, it had taken a 15 minute conversation with Lena to convince her not to ditch work and come.

Lena, realizing that there was logically no way Stef would actually be able to make the appointment, had reminded her wife that they hadn't gone together to any of Callie's other appointments and that having both of them there might just worry her when they didn't even know yet if there was something to be worried about. It was a thin argument but it worked – later she almost wished she'd just told Stef to come instead.

Callie and Lena sat in the waiting room for a half an hour before they were called back into one of the exam rooms. Lena tried to start a conversation with Callie numerous times but the girl's one words answers told her that she wasn't interested. Sometimes Lena really wished she could see what was going on behind those beautiful brown eyes – right now she would love to know if Callie was scared or just bored.

When the doctor walked into the exam room, Lena got the immediate sense that something was wrong. She smiled at him in greeting but the smile he returned didn't come even close to reaching his eyes.

Beside her Callie could sense the impending doom as well. She bit her lip and glanced nervously over at Lena. After she and Stef had left the hospital Saturday morning, she'd done a pretty good job of putting the CT scan out of her mind for the rest of the weekend, having managed to convince herself that, whatever it was, it was probably nothing, a mistake. Now though, she could sense that whatever it was, it definitely hadn't been a mistake. At the realization, she was almost angry at herself for thinking otherwise. Enough bad things had happened to her that, by now, she figured she should be able to feel them coming, that she should know better than to be caught off guard. Maybe her mistake had been assuming that the failed adoption had been the bad thing. Maybe her mistake had been assuming that only one bad thing a month could happen to her.

Instead of sitting on the stool as he usually would, the doctor patted the top of it. "Why don't you come sit up here Callie?"

Callie looked over at Lena again, not sure what to do.

Pushing away the dread she felt in the pit of her stomach, Lena stood, offering her hand to Callie to help her up. "It's okay, I'm right here," she whispered softly so that only Callie could hear her as she guided the girl with her hand on the small of her back to the stool the doctor had offered her. Once Callie was sitting on the stool, Lena took a place behind her, resting one hand on her shoulder.

The doctor set the file he'd been holding down on the counter, opening it up and reading it one last time before looking up and meeting first Lena's and then Callie's eyes. "I have your CT scan results…" he took a breath, "In addition to the lump above your neck, they found another one here," he motioned with one of his hands to the middle of his chest, "and another under your left arm."

Lena took a shuddering breath from behind Callie but the girl showed no reaction, she just blinked slowly, still staring at the doctor, waiting for him to continue.

"I'm sorry…the radiologist thinks…it looks like lymphoma, probably Hodgkin's," the doctor explained. By the tears that instantly filled Lena's eyes and the way her free hand flew up to cover her mouth, he guessed that she knew what lymphoma was but, based on the confused look on her face, he was fairly certain that the teenager in front of him did not. "It looks like cancer," he amended so that she would understand. His voice was impossible soft – there was nothing worse than having to delivering news like this.

Callie's brow scrunched up in confusion. _What?_ Despite the sense of impending doom she hadn't been ready to hear that word. _Cancer? How was that even possible? How could she have cancer_? It didn't make any sense at all to her.

Lena moved so that she wasn't standing behind Callie but in front of her – she needed to see her daughter's face. Her heart broke at the expression on the girl's face. "Callie, sweetheart?" She asked softly, her voice sounding strained as she reached out for Callie's hands.

Callie blinked, dazed, shrugging away from Lena and trying not to feel bad at the hurt expression that momentarily flitted across the woman's face. She turned her eyes back to the doctor, still trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to process what he'd told her. "It's…where?" Her hand hovered over her chest, trying to remember what he'd said.

The doctor could tell that the teenager was in shock and Lena, who'd turned back around to face him as well, didn't look much better, with the tears in her eyes threatening to spill over. "Here, I'll show you," he held his hand out to Callie, helping her to stand up off the stool. He reached down and gently placed his hands just below her ribcage. "This is your diaphragm. Everything they found was above that." He swept his hand upwards, motioning to her upper body, before looking quickly at Lena, "that's good…better," he amended – nothing about cancer was particularly good. He turned his attention back to Callie, touching the lump, a mass of swollen lymph nodes, above her left collarbone, glancing quickly over at the papers to confirm, "This here is about 5 cm." He waited for her nearly imperceptible nod before, as earlier, his hand touched the center of his own chest, explaining, "There is a place between your lungs – it's called the mediastinum – and there are lymph nodes there. Yours are swollen…the mass is about 5 cm as well."

Callie blinked, taking the information in as best as she could but saying nothing. She was pretty sure she was going to forget all of this as soon as she walked out of here.

"Here," he reached for her left arm, lifting it up and feeling in her arm pit, locating the swollen node mentioned in the report. "There is one here as well but it's smaller, about 2 cm."

Callie nodded slowly her hand subconsciously reaching up and brushing along the lump over her neck. "And…it's…" she scrunched her brow up, "what is it called?"

"Lymphoma," he stated.

"And they think it's Hodgkin's?" Lena was the one to interject with a question. She didn't know much about lymphoma but she did know that between Hodgkin's and Non-Hodgkin's, Hodgkin's was typically considered the better option.

The doctor nodded, "that is what the radiologist wrote but we'll need a biopsy to confirm either way."

"A biopsy? How soon?" There were still tears in her eyes but Lena was in full parent mode now. She could tell that Callie was in shock, barely comprehending anything that was happening, and it was her job to get all of the facts.

"I will send a referral to an ENT right away…that's an ear nose and throat specialist," He explained. "I'm sure he will see you within a few days."

"And then what?" Lena asked. She knew Stef would ask all kind of questions and she wanted to have the answers ready. At the thought of her wife, Lena's heart sank – how was she going tell her wife that their daughter more than likely had cancer.

Callie registered that Lena was asking questions and she was trying to listen to the answers but she having a hard time paying attention – she couldn't seem to make her brain think straight. She still couldn't get over that they thought she had cancer. She didn't even know why but she could feel tears threatening to form at that word. _Cancer._ She used all of her will to prevent those tears from actually forming. She was not going to cry here in front of a doctor she hardly knew – especially not when they were going to have to walk back out through a crowded waiting room.

The doctor looked between Callie and Lena, his hand reaching up to rub his forehead before saying, "if it is cancer, then she'll be referred to an oncologist. I believe standard treatment for Hodgkin's is chemotherapy and possibly radiation."

_Chemotherapy. _That word seemed almost as shocking as hearing that she probably had cancer in the first place. Callie wondered for the tenth time how on earth this could possibly be happening.

Fresh tears filled Lena's eyes – her poor sweet Callie. _Hadn't she been through enough in her life already?_

The doctor handed Lena a tissue, his eyes filled with sympathy.

As Lena wiped at her eyes, her cell phone started to ring but she made no move to answer it.

"Do you need to answer that?" The doctor asked.

Lena shook her head. She didn't need to look at the caller ID to know who was calling – Stef was pretty predictable. She couldn't possibly talk to her wife right now and feign that everything was fine, she couldn't possibly tell her this kind of news over the phone either, so she really had no choice but to ignore the phone call.

He nodded, "Do you have any more questions?"

Lena shook her head, her eyes, as well as the doctor's, turning to Callie.

Sensing their eyes on her, Callie looked up from the spot she'd picked on the floor to stare at. "Hmm?" She asked confused.

"Do you have any questions sweetheart?" Lena asked softly.

_Questions? Could people really form coherent questions when they'd just been told they probably had cancer?_ Callie suddenly wasn't even sure if she remembered how to form words, so she just shook her head no.

"Okay, I'll leave you then. I'll be in touch as soon as I have the appointment with the ENT," the doctor told them. "Take as long as you need in here," he added softly before he stepped out of the room.

As soon as he was gone, Lena's arms instantly wrapped around Callie, pulling her daughter as close as physically possible, glad when the girl didn't shrug away from physical contact this time. "I'm sorry sweetheart, so sorry." Tears were spilling down Lena's cheeks now – she had a brief thought that she should try harder to be strong for Callie but deep down she knew she couldn't stop these tears no matter how hard she tried.

Callie didn't know how to respond but she buried her head in Lena's shoulder and let herself be hugged for several minutes as she fought away the same tears that had threatened to form earlier – she was still determined not to cry here. After several minutes she mumbled into Lena's shoulder, "Can we go home?" She didn't know how much longer she could hold it together and she didn't want to be here anymore.

Lena pulled back, her moist eyes searching Callie's face for some indication of what was going on in her head but the girl just looked lost. "Okay," Lena nodded, reaching up and brushing stray tears from her face with the back of her hand before nodding again and reaching for Callie's hand, holding it the whole way back to the car.

As soon as Lena turned the car on, Callie reached over and cranked the volume of the radio up to a level that would probably cause irreversible ear damage. She waited for Lena to chastise her for the volume but the woman just looked sadly over at her.

Callie was relieved when Lena didn't make any attempts to turn the volume down as she pulled out of the parking lot. She needed the loud thumping music in her ears to drown out the single word that kept ringing through her head on an endless loop. _Cancer, cancer, cancer._ She needed something else to focus on so that she could hold herself together long enough to make it home because, just like she wasn't going to cry in that doctor's office, she wasn't going to cry here in a car on the ride home. She was pretty sure that if, or when, she started crying, she wasn't going to stop and she didn't want to do that in front of anyone – as soon as she got home she was going to lock herself in the bathroom or something and never come out. She just had to make it there. She closed her eyes and focused all her energy on the beat of the song playing on the radio.

Lena didn't know why Callie had turned the volume up so loudly but if that was what Callie needed she wasn't about to deny her. Besides, it wasn't nearly as distracting as she would have imagined it would be. What was distracting, however, were the tears that she still couldn't manage to stop. She could barely see through watery eyes as she drove home. Every time she thought she had herself under control she would remember the somber look on the doctor's face as he'd told them that it looked like lymphoma and tears would flood her eyes again. She continuously stole glances at Callie but the teens eyes remained shut the entire drive home. Lena wanted to say something but she remembered what Stef had once said about Callie not being able to process everything as soon as it happened and so they drove in silence.

xxxxxx

When Lena finally pulled into the driveway and turned the car off, she glanced over at Callie, who still had her eyes closed. "We're home Callie."

Callie didn't move.

"Sweetheart?" Lena asked, unsnapping her seatbelt.

"Can I just stay here a minute?" Callie's words were so quiet that Lena barely heard her.

"Callie…" Lena's voice was uncertain.

"Please," Callie whispered, her eyes still closed.

"Alright," Lena murmured soothingly, not wanting to upset Callie. She wished she had some clue of what she should do. She had no idea what Callie needed right now. "Do you want me to stay?"

Callie simply shook her head.

Lena sighed, her eyes on Callie for several moments before she decided that if Callie wanted to be alone for a few minutes that she should be allowed to have those few minutes. Besides, Lena needed to talk to Stef. "Okay, I'm going to go in."

Callie nodded in indication that she'd heard her but she still didn't open her eyes.

Lena hesitated another minute before she got out of the vehicle and headed into the house. As she walked up the front steps she rubbed at her eyes, realizing that she probably looked like hell. She really hoped she didn't run into one of her other children before she found Stef. Luck, however wasn't on her side.

Brandon was heading towards the stairs when she opened the front door and he stopped to turn to look at her. "Hi mama," he greeted.

"Hi Brandon," Lena offered him the best smile she could muster, trying to act normal, but she could tell by the strange way he looked at her that she wasn't really succeeding.

"What's wrong?" He asked concerned, suddenly remembering that Lena had taken Callie to a doctor's appointment and wondering why Callie wasn't with her.

Lena blinked slowly, trying to figure out what to say. She couldn't say that nothing was wrong because that would be a blatant lie but she couldn't really tell him what was wrong until she talked to Stef either. "I…I promise your mom and I will tell you what's going on soon but I really need to talk to her first."

Brandon had expected her to tell him not to worry, that everything was fine, so when she didn't it only worried him more. He wanted to ask a bunch of questions but instead he just shoved his hands in his pockets. "She's in the kitchen. Everyone else is upstairs."

Lena smiled at him genuinely then, "thanks sweetheart."

"I'll just…uh…be upstairs too," Brandon decided, heading in the direction he'd been going when Lena had walked in.

With Brandon headed upstairs, Lena made her way to the kitchen. Stef was at the stove, humming out of tune as she stirred a pot of pasta. Lena paused in the entryway to the kitchen, not wanting to interrupt the happy moment.

Stef sensed more than heard Lena come into the kitchen though and with one final stir of the pasta she set the spoon down and turned around. She frowned, a knot instantly forming in her stomach at Lena's swollen eyes – something was wrong. "You're home?" It came out sounding like a question. She'd expected Lena to call when she finished at the doctor's – just the fact that she hadn't was concerning enough.

Lena nodded slowly, walking closer to Stef and stopping when they were touching distance apart.

"What did Dr. Malik say?" Stef asked slowly, the knot in her stomach tightening further.

Lena had thought the whole drive home about what she was going to say to Stef but now she couldn't seem to form any words. She just shook her head slowly, tears glistening in her eyes for the hundredth time this afternoon, conveying with that simple motion that the news wasn't good.

"Lena?" Stef's voice was pained, her heart breaking at the moisture in her wife's eyes as she reached for her hand, squeezing it tightly in her own. "Please…what did he say?"

Lena took a shuddering breath and finally found her voice. "They're pretty sure it's lymphoma, probably Hodgkin's. It's obviously above her collarbone, but also in her chest and under arm."

"No," Stef was the one shaking her head in disbelief now. _Lymphoma_. It was one of the things that she had read during her extensive internet searches the last few days. She had thought she was prepared for this news, but now, actually hearing it, she knew that she wasn't. She wondered if it was even possible to be prepared, she doubted that it was.

"They'll do a biopsy to confirm," Lena told Stef as she swiped at her eyes, collecting herself. "Maybe it isn't actually cancer," she tried to sound optimistic but she didn't really succeed. It was hard to be optimistic when the doctor had sounded so grim and had really offered no other alternatives but cancer.

"Maybe…" Stef tried to cling to the possibility too but she was no more successful than Lena at sounding optimistic. _How could this be happening to their daughter? It wasn't fair. _She stepped forward, closing the distance between herself and Lena and wrapping her arms tightly around her wife, burying her head in the crook of her neck. "What are we going to do Lena?"

"I don't know," Lena admitted, "but we will figure it out."

Stef pulled back, suddenly having a thought, "where is Callie?"

Lena's answer of, "still in the car," came simultaneously with the pot of pasta on the stove boiling over.

"Crap!" Stef called out, much angrier than she would usually be at such an occurrence, stepping over to the stove and turning the burner off with a great deal more force than was necessary as she pulled the pot off the hot burner and slammed it down on a cool one.

Lena recognized Stef's angry reaction for what it was – a clear expression of her feelings about what she'd just been told. Lena followed her wife to the stove, stopping and placing her hand on the small of her back, not surprised to feel her shudder – a clear indication that she had started to cry. They stood there like that for several minutes, Lena rubbing circles on Stef's back, before Stef finally reached up to swipe viciously at her tear stained cheeks and turning her head to look at her wife. "Should I apologize to the pot?"

Lena smirked, the smile coming to her face despite herself. "I think it knows you didn't mean it." She leaned in to kiss Stef softly then, pulling back after a second to murmur, "Let me finish dinner, you go check on our girl."

Stef sighed loudly but nodded and left the kitchen. She took her time walking outside, trying to get her emotions back in check. As soon as she stepped out on the front porch though and spotted Callie still sitting in the car, she picked up her pace, quickly making her way to the vehicle and pulling the passenger door open.

Startled by the door opening, Callie blinked her eyes open, turning her head towards Stef.

"Hi Love…" Stef's voice was soft as she reached over and unbuckled Callie's seatbelt for her.

Callie wrinkled her brow confused as Stef undid her seatbelt for her. "What…" she trailed off as she noticed Stef's still tear stained cheeks. The fact that Stef had clearly been crying startled her. Sure Lena had cried at the doctor's office but Callie pretty much expected that from Lena. Lena was like Jude, she was sensitive. Stef was tough though – Callie would never expect Stef to cry.

"Lena told me," Stef whispered softly to Callie, her words meant as both an explanation and as a way to let Callie know that she wouldn't have to be the one to explain.

"Lena told you," Callie repeated Stef's words in monotone.

"Yes," Stef nodded, her gaze intently focused on Callie's face, "Now how about you tell me what you're doing out here? I know this vehicle isn't _that_ comfortable."

_What was she was doing out here? _Callie didn't even know. She'd sort of thought that if she could sit here forever then maybe she could pretend that the last hour had never happened. She knew it wasn't really an option though and as her eyes met Stef's the tears she'd been forcing down since the doctor had first uttered the word cancer finally appeared. _What she'd been doing out here was trying to stop this from happening._

"Oh Callie, oh baby," Stef murmured reaching into the car and basically pulling Callie out of it before wrapping her arms tightly around the girl. Tears glistened in her eyes too – though, unlike in the kitchen, this time she managed to hold them in.

Just as Callie had feared, once the tears started she couldn't quite figure out how to make them stop. She had no clue what it was about cancer that seemed to make everyone so emotional. She hated crying. She hated crying in front of people even more.

"Sshh…I've got you, I've got you," Stef soothed, rubbing Callie's back with one hand as she pulled her even closer.

It took nearly ten minutes but eventually Callie felt almost in control of herself again. Her eyes were still watery but tears were no longer freely spilling down her cheeks and she figured it was about as good as she was going to get for now. She pulled back from Stef and wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her shirt. "Sorry," she mumbled embarrassed.

"You _never_ have to be sorry about crying, never," Stef reassured immediately, reaching over and tucking a piece of Callie's hair behind her ear.

Callie just shrugged.

Sometimes Stef let Callie get away with shrugging but she couldn't bring herself to do it know. "I mean it. Crying is not something that you have to apologize for, ever. And especially not when you have every reason to be upset. I'm upset too. Mama is upset. I'm sure your siblings will be upset as well. It's upsetting."

Callie's still watery eyes widened, horrified. "You can't tell Jude," she practically yelled. She'd spent nearly her whole life protecting her baby brother and now was no different – she knew this news would hurt him. In the first foster home they'd been placed in she'd gotten pneumonia and had to spend three days in the hospital. She would never forget the look on his face when she'd gotten out of the hospital or the way he'd whispered into her shoulder as he clung to her that he'd thought she was going to die like their mom.

"Love..." Stef started slowly, not sure exactly what to say, "We have to tell your sibling's. They already know something is up and they're going to ask how your appointment went. We can't lie to them." Her voice came across sounding apologetic – Callie didn't need to explain for her to understand why she wouldn't want Jude to know. That being said, Callie was going to need the support of the whole family and, if the biopsy confirmed the lymphoma, it wasn't exactly like they could keep this from Jude for long.

Callie looked down at the ground, more tears spilling down her cheeks. There was no point arguing, she knew Stef was right but she still didn't like it. "Can I not be there when you tell them?" She mumbled quietly.

Stef had to strain to comprehend what Callie was saying. When she finally realized what Callie had asked, she nodded, reaching over and rubbing Callie's arm soothingly. "Of course love, whatever you need."

Callie looked up at Stef then, offering her a small smile.

Stef returned the smile with a wide one of her. "Dinner is probably ready if you're up to going inside."

At the thought of eating, Callie's stomach turned over. "I'm not hungry."

"You have to eat something sweets," Stef raised an eyebrow.

Callie grimaced and admitted quietly, "My stomach hurts."

"Okay," Stef sighed, giving in as she wrapped her arm around Callie and led her into the house. She'd make the girl eat some crackers or something later.

xxxxxx

Stef made sure Callie was settled on the couch with the TV on to distract her before she headed to the kitchen, stopping to kiss Lena and then splash some water on her face before calling her other children down for dinner.

As usual, it took fifteen minutes for the entire brood to stumble down the stairs and find seats at the table.

After Lena scooped pasta onto everyone's plate, Jesus looked around the table searching for something before getting up and opening the fridge, coming back to the table with a bottle of ketchup in his hand.

"Jesus, this is pasta, what on earth do you need ketchup for?" Stef raised her eyebrow suspiciously at him.

"What?" Jesus just shrugged his shoulders as if completely confused by her reaction. "I like ketchup," he added, squirting some on top of his pasta.

Mariana scrunched up her nose in complete disgust. "That is _so_ gross."

Jesus moved his arm so that the bottle of ketchup was hovering dangerously over his sister's plate, "So what you're saying is that you want some, right?"

"No!" Mariana shrieked.

"Jesus, please don't," Lena warned.

Mariana shoved Jesus' arm away then and he grinned while Jude laughed at the two of them.

Brandon didn't laugh though. He was barely paying attention to his siblings. He was still wondering where Callie was and remembering how upset Lena had looked earlier. He was also noticing the way his moms kept glancing at each other – way more than usual. He fidgeted, looking down at his food and pushing it around his place before fixing his gaze on his mom, "So are you going to tell us how Callie's doctor's appointment went today?" He couldn't wait any longer.

Stef startled at the question, her fork stopping halfway between her plate and her mouth. She set the fork down and glanced over at Lena. She had hoped to wait until after dinner to have this conversation but with the small nod of confirmation from Lena she took a deep breath and said, "Umm…well, you all know that Callie had some tests done last week, right?"

Jesus, Mariana and Jude looked up at her curiously between bites of pasta as Brandon waited on baited breath for whatever his mother was going to say.

Lena reached over and rested her hand on top of Stef's, the gesture exactly what Stef needed to continue. "The results were…abnormal…the doctor thinks that Callie might be pretty sick."

Jude frowned, confused. "What do you mean?" He glanced around the table and, as if he'd just realized that his sister wasn't there, he added, "Where is she?"

"She's just in the living room sweets, her stomach is upset," Stef soothed.

"Oh," Jude said but he didn't stop frowning. Callie never admitted when she wasn't feeling well. If she'd told Stef that her stomach was upset, she must be _really_ sick.

"What was wrong with her tests though?" Mariana was frowning too. Both of her mothers were sporting a weird 'something is wrong but I'm trying to pretend that everything is fine' look that didn't fool her one bit.

"Well…" Lena was the one to speak now, explaining in her calmest voice, "The doctor thinks that Callie has something called lymphoma."

Jude still looked confused, Brandon sat perfectly motionless his wide eyes hinting that he might have at least a vague idea of what lymphoma was, and Jesus looked back up from his dinner curiously again as he continued slowly chewing his last bite of pasta.

"Lymph…what?" Mariana sputtered out, as confused as Jude.

Stef took a deep breath, "Lymphoma, a kind called Hodgkin's. It's…a type of cancer." There was no going back now.

"_Cancer?_" Mariana's disbelieving word was accompanied by wide and horrified eyes. If she didn't know her mothers better, she would have assumed that this was some kind of terrible joke.

"Wait…what?" Jesus added, his open mouth conveying his disbelief as well.

Jude, for his part, paled but said nothing.

Lena noticed her youngest son's reaction and she instantly reached over and rested her hand on his forearm. "Jude, sweetheart, are you okay?" she hummed softly.

Jude was quiet for a long moment before terrified words left his mouth barely above a whisper. "Is she going to die?" Jude's frightened eyes searched Lena's for answers.

"No," Stef spit out immediately before Lena could say anything. It wasn't until her wife shot her a look, a clear indication that she shouldn't make promises that were out of her control, that she amended her answer. "_If_ she does have what they think she does," she emphasized the 'if', wanting to make it clear that nothing was confirmed yet, "the odds are really good that she's going to be just fine, sweets." It wasn't a lie – her extensive internet searches over the weekend had at least taught her that much. Although, truthfully, the odds still weren't good enough for her liking – anything short of one hundred percent would never be good enough in her mind.

"So, like, how do they make it better though?" Jesus asked. If the odds were good that Callie was going to be fine, he wanted to know how they were going to make her better.

Lena fielded this question. "First Callie's going to have a biopsy to confirm what is wrong. It might not be cancer at all." Even though she wasn't optimistic about this possibility, she wanted desperately to give her babies hope. Looking between all of her children, she knew that they weren't going to be satisfied with her ending there, so she continued, "If it is lymphoma, then she will need chemo. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there."

The room erupted then, everyone talking over each other as they flung question after question at Stef and Lena. Both Jude and Mariana ended up in tears at one point but after twenty minutes everyone seemed mostly satisfied, or at least too drained to ask anything else.

Jude pulled back from the hug Lena was giving him to ask one final question, "Can I go see Callie?"

The hesitation in his voice broke Lena's heart. "Of course you can." She brushed the hair on the top of his head, leaning in to place a kiss on his forehead before adding softly, "Just tread lightly okay? I don't think your sister is really up for talking about it right now."

Jude swallowed thickly, nodding his head easily in agreement. Of course his sister wouldn't want to talk about it. Callie never wanted to talk about _anything_.

Minutes later Jude walked hesitantly into the living room. He was relieved when Callie looked up at him and patted the spot beside her on the couch. He was even more relieved when she instantly wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug as soon as he was sitting beside her.

When Callie finally pulled back, ruffling his hair, and murmuring, "Hi baby," both siblings pretended that they didn't notice the moisture in the other's eyes.

It wasn't long after that that Jesus, Mariana, and Brandon stumbled into the living to join their newest siblings. Jesus', "We better not be watching some girlie show," breaking the awkward silence as he flopped down on the couch beside Jude.

The ensuing argument between Jesus and Mariana about what they were actually going to watch actually made Callie laugh.

xxxxxx

Later that night when everyone had retreated to their own rooms, Mariana called across their dark room to Callie, "Are you sleeping?"

"No," Callie mumbled, throwing her arm up to cover her eyes. "I can't," she admitted quietly several moments later. She couldn't turn her brain off – that single word, cancer, was still running on an endless loop.

"Me either," Mariana murmured her agreement, rolling over so that she was facing in the direction of Callie's bed but not saying anything. The truth was she didn't actually know what to say to Callie. Plus, she figured that if Callie wanted to talk she'd say so.

Callie didn't say anything for a long while but eventually she pulled her arm away from her eyes and squinted in Mariana's direction. "Could…could you distract me?" The request was hesitant and she paused for a split second before adding, "Please."

Mariana pretended not to notice the way Callie's voice shook, or how out of character it was for her to ask for anything, and, instead, quickly, and easily, filled the silence with every minute detail of the conversation she'd had with Zac via Skype after school. When she'd exhausted that topic, she simply moved on to school gossip.

Callie offered some, mostly one word, responses or comments but Mariana was the one doing the majority of the talking – something that she was perfectly fine with. If Callie needed to be distracted, Mariana was easily prepared to distract her all night long. Sometime after midnight though, Callie mumbled that she thought she might be able to sleep now and Mariana quieted.

It took a while but eventually Callie did fall into a restless sleep.

Mariana, on the other hand, didn't let herself even close her eyes until long after Callie's breathing took on the heaviness of sleep, until she was a hundred percent sure that Callie wouldn't need her anymore that night.

xxxxxx


	3. Chapter 2: Waiting, Officially

A/N: Just wanted to say thanks so much for all of the reviews. I sincerely appreciate the feedback! :)

xxxxxx

_**Chapter 2: Waiting, Officially**_

Nobody slept especially well that first night but Stef was pretty sure that she didn't sleep at all. A little after 5am she finally gave up her failing attempts and, with one final glance at Lena's sleeping form, got out of bed and headed for the kitchen.

She was surprised to find Callie already sitting at the table, fiddling with her phone. "Morning sweets," she greeted softly, stopping to plant a kiss on the back of Callie's head before walking over to the coffee maker to start a pot of coffee. When the coffee had started brewing, she turned back to Callie, asking, "Did you sleep?" She knew the girl probably hadn't slept well but she hoped that she'd at least gotten some rest.

"Some," Callie answered, setting her phone down to look up at Stef.

Stef nodded – some was better than none. "Can I make you breakfast?"

Callie shook her head, no.

Stef raised her eyebrow, "Callie…you didn't eat last night, you have to have _something_."

"I'm not hungry," Callie replied stubbornly.

Stef sighed, opening the fridge and pulling out the orange juice and pouring a glass. She walked over to Callie and set the cup down in front of her. "Please drink this at least."

Callie eyed the cup like it was filled with something disgusting instead of her favourite juice but eventually she obeyed Stef's instructions, sipping slowly on the liquid as she watched Stef pour herself a cup of freshly brewed coffee before sitting down across from her.

The two sat in silence until fifteen minutes later Lena entered the kitchen, looking slightly dishevelled and a lot paler than usual.

"Are you okay?" Stef asked immediately at the sight of her wife's face, sensing that something was up.

Lena's hand fluttered briefly over her stomach before she admitted, "Just some morning sickness, I think."

"Oh no, love, you should have called for me," Stef offered her sympathy. What a terrible way to the start the morning. It was actually Lena's first bout of morning sickness since finding out she was pregnant and Stef wondered if the nausea was more related to a lack of sleep and the stress of finding out their daughter probably had cancer as opposed to the pregnancy. She didn't bother to offer this suggestion though – it didn't matter why Lena was nauseous, just that she was. "Sit down," Stef instructed, as she got up from the table, "I'll get you some juice and some crackers."

Lena was too tired to protest, she just nodded her agreement, stopping to kiss Callie, murmuring, "Good morning," before taking a seat beside her daughter at the table.

Stef had just set the juice and crackers down in front of Lena when Mariana came stumbling into the kitchen with a yawn.

"Morning Miss Thing," Stef called out to her, "you're up pretty early."

Mariana just shrugged, pulling out a chair, sitting down and then proceeding to drop her head onto folded arms on the table.

"Do you want something to eat?" Lena asked her daughter, trying not to laugh at her actions.

Mariana pulled her head up high enough that she could see her mother, grumbling, "Cereal," before dropping her head back onto her arms.

Lena moved to get up but Stef quickly stopped her, practically shouting, "Sit! I've got it."

She poured Mariana a bowl of her favourite cereal, setting it down on table in front of her daughter before taking her own seat again and going back to sipping on her coffee.

Mariana didn't move for several minutes after Stef set the bowl of cereal down in front of her but eventually she slowly raised her head and sat up straight in her chair, reaching for the spoon and starting to eat the cereal. After a few bites she felt more alive and she smiled over in Callie's direction, "So did you convince moms to let you not go to school today?"

Callie blinked confused. "No?" _Why would she do that?_ The thought of sitting around this house all day with nothing to distract her but her thoughts terrified her. She was pretty sure she would be much better off at school.

"I just mean, you could probably convince them to let you do _all kinds_ of stuff," Mariana smirked at Callie, "You should definitely take advantage of that."

Callie supressed a grin – trust Mariana to try and come up with ways of benefitting from her predicament.

"You realize we're sitting right here? Yes?" Stef shot Mariana her best attempt at a serious face.

Mariana just shrugged at her mom, "As if I'm wrong."

Lena had to supress laughter as she snorted into her juice cup.

"That's probably not helping." Stef attempted to glare at her wife but, when she caught the smile on Callie's face out of the corner of her eye, she couldn't supress her own smile any longer.

It wasn't long after that that the boys came tumbling down the stairs in various states of wakefulness to join the girls.

xxxxxx

Lena and Stef actually had asked Callie if she wanted to stay home from school but Callie had refused the offer. It wasn't until lunch time that Lena realized that maybe instead of asking, they should have insisted.

The lunch bell had barely finished ringing when Timothy knocked on her office door. Even though he had changed his mind about signing the donor papers once he'd found out that Lena was actually pregnant, Lena couldn't help the small flare of anger at the sight of him. She smiled politely at him though and invited him into her office.

"Sorry to bother you," he offered, running his hand through his hair.

"It's fine," Lena waved her hand at him. "What can I do for you?"

"I just…uhh…" He hesitated before continuing, "I just wanted to ask you if Callie is okay."

"What's wrong?" Lena's panic was instant.

He shook his head rapidly, "No, no, nothing specifically is wrong. She was just…really distracted in class today. I had to call her name three times to get her to even look at me. I know she's been struggling a bit to readjust here but this was a bit much, even for her. She just didn't seem like herself at all."

Lena sighed. She noticed Sanchez had stopped in the hallway and was blatantly eavesdropping and she wanted nothing more than to put that woman in her place but instead she took a deep breath to calm herself – now was not the time. If Callie really did have lymphoma they were going to have to have some very serious conversations with her teachers but, without all of the details, Lena wasn't really prepared to have those conversations now. "I appreciate your concern Timothy, really, I do. She just hasn't been feeling well, that's all."

Timothy looked skeptical but he accepted Lena's explanation and left her office.

xxxxxx

At the same time in the courtyard, Wyatt flopped his paper bag lunch down onto the picnic table and sat down across from Callie.

Callie, for her part, didn't acknowledge him at all. She just continued to stare at a spot she'd picked on the table.

"Earth to Callie," Wyatt called to her as he pulled a sandwich out from the brown paper bag.

Callie blinked then, tilting her head to look at him. "Hmm?" She asked.

"You auditioning for a role as a space cadet or something?" Wyatt asked, biting into his sandwich.

"What?" Callie gave him a strange look, not really following his train of thought.

"You're like completely out of it," Wyatt declared, "I thought Timothy was going to have to throw something at you to get your attention in class earlier."

_Oh, right_. Callie shrugged, pulling food out of the bag Stef had packed for her and lining it up in front of her – she had no intentions of eating anything but it gave her something to do with her hands.

"Seriously Callie," Wyatt's eyes were concerned now as he watched her carefully, "what's going on?"

Having run out of items to pull out of the bag, Callie sighed, suddenly wishing that she'd stayed home. She knew Wyatt deserved to know but she wasn't really keen on having to tell him. _How were you even supposed to tell someone that you might have cancer? Were there protocols for this sort of thing? _Looking around to make sure no one else was listening, she decided to just go for it. "Umm…I saw the doctor yesterday…he uh…said…he thinks I have Hodgkin's lymphoma…that's…uhh…cancer," she explained not particularly eloquently.

Wyatt's eyes widened as he stopped chewing and just stared at her. _Was she kidding?_ He swallowed his half-chewed sandwich bite with a gulp as he tried to figure out what to say. He wanted to ask all kinds of questions but the pleading eyes staring at him from across the table were practically begging him not to. Deciding that he was going to corner Brandon or Mariana later and force them to tell him everything, he let her off the hook, offering her a flippant, "You really do have the worst luck, don't you?"

The surprise on Callie's face was evident but eventually she sighed in grateful relief at the realization that she wasn't going to have to explain anything else to him – at least not right now. "Tell me about it," she agreed with his statement about her luck.

Even though he had decided not to ask her any questions, it took several minutes before Wyatt could bring himself to do anything but just stare at her. "You going to eat any of that lunch?" Wyatt asked her, finally snapping out of his daze, noticing that she hadn't touched any of the food she'd carefully lined up in front of her.

Callie shook her head no.

"Well, then, can I have your cookies?" Wyatt asked, giving her his best hopeful face, hoping it would make her laugh.

"Knock yourself out," Callie just held the cookies out for him to take.

Wyatt stared at the offered cookies a long moment before reaching out to take them from her, his hand brushing against hers as he smiled, "I knew you were the best."

His words were rewarded by a returned smile

xxxxxx

Despite Callie's protests that she didn't need both of them to take her, Stef and Lena both accompanied her to the appointment that was set up with the ENT for Wednesday at 1pm. They took her to lunch before the appointment and were relieved when she actually ate most of the sandwich she ordered – the most she'd eaten in days.

The appointment itself was short, which Callie later grumbled was proof that both Stef and Lena hadn't needed to come – an argument that they just ignored.

Dr. Alder examined Callie, asked her a few questions, confirmed that her symptoms were consistent with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and then explained that he was going to do an excisional biopsy, which would involve removing part of the swollen mass above her collarbone and would require Callie to go under general anesthesia.

Even with all of Stef and Lena's questions about the procedure, start to finish the whole appointment took fifteen minutes.

When they left the building, it was with the biopsy scheduled for late Friday afternoon.

xxxxxx

Immediately after school on Friday, Stef and Lena left their remaining children with money to order pizza and instructions to not burn the house down, and they took Callie to the hospital.

Within a half an hour of arriving at the hospital she'd been checked in, weighed, and changed into a hospital gown. She was now sitting on a hospital bed while a nurse was attempting to start an IV. The nurse had already failed to get an IV started in Callie's right hand and had now turned her efforts to the other hand. She was having a difficult time finding a suitable vein to use and she was tapping hard on Callie's left hand, forcefully trying to get a vein to come up to the surface.

Lena was watching Callie carefully but the girl wasn't even flinching. Stef, on the other hand, wasn't fairing very well – she didn't like needles very much in the first place but she _really_ didn't like watching them try to insert one into her daughter's hand. She just felt so helpless. She wished desperately that she could trade places with Callie. She'd much, much rather be the one undergoing this procedure and whatever else was going to come next.

Glancing over at Stef, Lena noticed the greenish tinge of her skin and she had to supress a smile of amusement at her usually tough wife practically shaking at the sight of a needle. "Stef, could you maybe go get me a juice?" Lena asked, deciding that the best thing for everyone would be if Stef got out of there while the IV was being inserted – she'd be no help at all if she was passed out on the floor –but there was no way she would leave of her own volition.

Stef glanced momentarily at Callie, debating what she should do, but eventually deciding that if her pregnant wife needed juice, who was she to deny her? "Okay, I'll be right back," she nodded, patting Callie's hand, before getting up and heading out in search of juice.

Callie glanced over at Lena as Stef left the room, an amused smile on her face, "Stef doesn't like needles, does she?"

Lena laughed then, "No, no she doesn't."

xxxxxx

By the time Stef returned with the juice, the nurse, after three attempts, had finally managed to get Callie's IV started. Stef handed Lena the juice before taking her seat next to the hospital bed again, grabbing hold of Callie's IV-free hand and squeezing it tightly in her own.

It wasn't long after that, that an orderly came to take Callie down to the operating room.

"We'll be here when you wake up sweets," Stef murmured, brushing some of Callie's hair off of her face and leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"We love you Callie," Lena whispered, kissing Callie's forehead as well.

"Love you too," Callie whispered back as the orderly started to wheel her away.

xxxxxx

The operating room was freezing. As she was transferred from the gurney to the operating room table and monitors were taped onto various parts of her upper body, eventually producing a steady beeping sound that Callie assumed represented her heart, the only thing that she could really think about was how cold it was in this room.

Even as the anesthesiologist was talking to her, explaining that she should start counting back from one hundred, all Callie could really think was that she wished she had a blanket.

xxxxx

Once Callie had been wheeled away, Stef and Lena had been directed to the waiting room. It was getting late on a Friday evening and they were the only people there.

After about an hour, Stef got up and started pacing. _What was taking so long?_

Ten minutes later, Lena had finally had enough of watching Stef walk from one end of the room to the other and she called out to her wife, "Please come sit back down, you're making me dizzy."

Stef stopped in her tracks, looking at Lena for a long moment before sighing and moving back to reclaim the seat beside Lena. She dropped her head into her hands and mumbled, "What is taking so long?"

Lena reached over and ran her hand up and down Stef's back, "I don't know. But I'm sure she's fine." When Stef turned her head to look at her, Lena added, "She has to be."

Stef reached for Lena's hand then, bringing it up to her lips and kissing it. "Callie is so strong. Of course she's going to be fine."

They sat in silence after that, holding hands, as twenty more minutes passed before the doctor entered the waiting room.

Seeing the doctor approaching both Stef and Lena hopped up from their seats and met him half-way.

"How is she?" Lena asked immediately.

"She's doing well," Dr. Alder responded, "We just moved her to recovery."

Stef breathed a sigh of relief before asking, "And everything went okay?"

Dr. Alder nodded, "I managed to get three entire lymph nodes extracted from the mass, so the pathologist will have a very good sample to analyze." He paused, clearly hesitating, before adding, "The nodes weren't what I was expecting. With lymphoma the nodes are usually rubbery and pliable. Callie's nodes were hard as a rock."

"What does that mean?" Stef asked, scrunching up her forehead in confusion.

"I don't know," the doctor admitted, "we will just have to wait and see what pathology finds."

Stef didn't seem satisfied with that answer but Lena reached for her hand and quieted any further questions that she might have.

"Can we see her?" Lena asked – now that she knew Callie was okay it was the only question that really mattered to her.

Dr. Alder nodded, "Someone will come out and get you once she's awake."

xxxxxx

Down the hall in the recovery room, Callie's eyes fluttered open and immediately shut again at the brightness in the room.

A nurse was leaning over her and as soon as Callie's eyes fluttered she called out, "Hi, how are you feeling?"

"Mmm….sleepy," Callie mumbled, trying to remember what was going on.

"Well that's to be expected, dear," the nurse smiled in gentle amusement at the girl as she stepped back to let her rest some.

Callie's eyes fluttered open once more. She looked around momentarily before shutting her eyes again, those last few minutes before she was put under in the operating room coming back to her as she remembered that she was at the hospital having a biopsy. _Was it over already?_ It didn't seem like any time had passed at all.

Minutes later, Stef and Lena were being guided into the room, each picking a side of Callie's bed to stand beside.

Stef's eyes swept up and down, noting the white bandage covering most of Callie's neck on the left side, before she carefully avoided the IV still in Callie's hand and placed her hand on the girl's forearm. "Hi baby," she murmured softly.

"Mmm…hi mom," Callie mumbled, squinting at Stef through still barely open eyes.

Stef blinked, surprised, sharing a quick look with Lena. This was the first time that Callie had called her mom. She didn't even think that Callie realized that she'd done it. Stef knew that the slip was probably just because of the post-general anesthesia delirium but she couldn't help the smile that came to her face. "Mama's here too," Stef spoke gently.

"Mama?" Callie blinked, her eyes opening wider as she turned her head slowly in search of Lena.

"Right here sweetheart, I'm right here," Lena called immediately, her heart swelling as Callie called her mama for the first time. She grabbed Callie's hand with one of her own and used her other hand to brush hair out of Callie's face, leaning down and kissing her daughter's forehead. "How do you feel?"

Callie's eyes were almost fully open now, "I'm okay. Sleepy."

"Don't worry, that will pass," Stef assured her – calling on her own experience with general anesthesia.

The nurse came back over then, apologizing for interrupting as she checked Callie's blood pressure, noting the number in Callie's chart, before asking, "Can I get you a popsicle?"

Callie perked up a bit at the mention of a popsicle as she suddenly realized how dry her throat felt. She nodded her head yes, in agreement.

"Banana flavour is okay?" The nurse asked and Callie nodded again.

As the nurse stepped away, Stef joked, "Do you think she'll get me one too?"

"Nope," Callie grinned and they all laughed.

xxxxxx

Within an hour they were ready to release Callie. Stef went to get the car pulled up to the hospital entrance, while Lena stayed back to help Callie get changed out of the hospital gown and back into her own clothes.

After the nurse removed Callie's IV, Lena helped her up into a sitting position. As she swung her legs over the edge of the bed, Lena watched the girl's pale face ashen further. "Callie, are you okay?"

Callie didn't say anything but she rolled her shoulders forward, slouching, as if she was trying to collapse in on herself.

"Callie?" Lena asked again, concerned.

Callie debated saying nothing for a minute longer before she admitted quietly, "I feel like I'm going to be sick." She'd felt fine when she was lying down but as soon as she'd sat up the nausea had overwhelmed her. She was worried she was going to throw up.

"Okay, it's okay," Lena hummed, rubbing Callie's arm soothingly. "Lie back down sweetheart," she instructed as she waved for the nurse to come back over.

The nurse gave Callie a shot of Gravol to help with the nausea and they waited a few more minutes before trying to get Callie dressed again.

Callie managed to pull her pants on but Lena could tell by the way her head lulled to the side that the Gravol was already making her drowsy. "Here, let me" Lena murmured gently, taking Callie's shirt from her hands and taking over dressing her, carefully sliding the shirt over Callie's bandaged neck.

Callie was too out of it to even be a little embarrassed about Lena helping her get dressed and she didn't even argue as they moved her from the hospital bed and into a wheelchair.

Lena thanked the nurses before wheeling Callie down into the lobby and outside.

Stef was leaning against the car waiting for them to come out. "What took so long?" She asked as she approached the two of them.

"We had a minor snag," Lena told her.

"Mmhmm," Callie grinned widely at Stef.

"What?" Stef's eyes widened at the loopy grin Callie gave her as she looked over at Lena for an explanation.

"Callie was feeling a bit sick, they gave her a shot of Gravol," Lena explained.

"Oh," Stef nodded, suddenly understanding why Callie seemed much more out of it than she had fifteen minutes ago. "Well, missy, let's get you into the car," Stef smiled at her daughter, helping her out of the wheelchair and into the backseat of the car, buckling her seatbelt for her.

"Thanks," Callie smiled at Stef before closing her eyes.

"You're welcome," Stef laughed, kissing the top of Callie's head before closing the door and walking over to the driver side. She waited for Lena to get in and buckle her seatbelt and then she put the car in drive, pointing it in the direction of home.

xxxxxx

Callie was pretty sure that only one minute passed between getting in the car and Stef pulling into their driveway. She'd felt like she was flying the entire drive home and she wondered if that was a side effect of the anesthesia or the Gravol.

She managed to get herself out of the car before either Stef or Lena could get to her but she'd only made it three wobbly steps before Lena's arm slid around her waist. She tried to protest but when she nearly stumbled over one of her own feet she shut her mouth.

They'd barely made it through the front door when the four remaining members of the family came barrelling out of the living room.

"Callie!" Jude called, looking like he wanted to get closer but sliding to a stop beside Mariana.

"Hi baby," Callie gave him the same goofy grin she'd given Stef in the parking lot.

"What's wrong with her?" Jesus asked, his eyes wide. He clearly wasn't the only one to notice how odd she looked – the others were looking at her strangely too – but he was the only one to say something.

"Jesus…" Lena warned but Stef just shook her head.

"This," Stef motioned to Callie, "is why you should never do drugs."

Mariana rolled her eyes at her mother.

"Are you feeling okay?" Brandon asked quietly, ignoring his mother's bad joke, as his eyes scanned Callie up and down, trying to discern for himself if she was okay besides the obvious.

"Ya," Callie nodded, smiling at him the same way she'd smiled at Jude.

Jude was looking at her now too, his eyes settling on the bandaged portion of Callie's neck. "Does it hurt?" He asked quietly.

"Nope, not one bit," Callie shook her head vehemently, telling the truth and not just reassuring him. She wobbled slightly.

Even though Lena still had her arm around Callie's waist, Stef grabbed Callie's elbow to help steady her, "I think we should take Callie upstairs now guys."

"But…" Jude started but stopped, biting his lip, clearly uncertain if he should continue.

Lena looked over at him, smiling gently, "But what buddy?"

"We were going to watch a movie," Jude mumbled, looking down at the ground.

"Earlier we were saying that we should have a family movie night," Mariana jumped in, explaining, as she wrapped her arm around Jude's shoulder, pulling him closer to her. "We picked out a movie and we were just waiting for you to get home."

Stef smiled gently at Jude in understanding but said apologetically, "How about tomorrow night?"

"No," Callie spoke then, "Let's watch a movie now."

Stef and Lena shared a look over the top of Callie's head before Lena searched Callie's face carefully for some kind of indication about how she actually felt. "Are you sure sweetheart?"

Callie nodded. Jude needed to see that she was okay. Besides, it wasn't like he'd asked to play tackle football or something. She could easily watch a movie with him, with her whole family – that wasn't exactly a chore.

Stef wanted to protest but finally she conceded, "Okay." When that one word brought a smile to every single one of her children's faces she couldn't help but smile too, winking at Jude and adding, "But only if someone makes me popcorn."

Everyone groaned but Brandon did disappear to make popcorn, bringing Jesus with him to fill drink orders.

They got Callie settled in the middle of the couch with Jude curled up against her on one side and Mariana sitting on the other.

She was sound asleep within ten minutes of the start of the movie.

xxxxxx

Callie had spent a lot years waiting – mostly waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her and Jude to be sent away from their latest foster home – but waiting for her biopsy results was like no waiting she had ever experienced. It felt like she was walking along the edge of a cliff and that any minute she might topple over the edge. Sometimes every minute felt like ten. Sometimes they felt longer.

Shortly after Callie's biopsy, Mariana had nominated herself chief distractor and had then proceeded to talk their moms into letting them re-decorate their room – her idea of a perfect distraction project. Callie had thought the room was just fine before but she appreciated what Mariana was trying to do – the project, which was nearly complete, really had helped to distract Callie. Yet, still, it seemed like she could make it through no more than five minutes without thinking about those results, wondering when they would come in and what they would say. Sometimes it took all of her energy not to scream or to get up in the middle of a conversation or class and just walk away. She almost wished the doctor had never suggested that it might not be lymphoma or, at least, that Stef and Lena hadn't told her what he'd said. It wasn't that she wanted it to be lymphoma – she hoped with every fiber of her being that it would turn out to be something else – it was just that there was something absolutely terrible about not knowing. It made the waiting nearly unbearable.

A week after Callie's biopsy, Stef took her to a follow up appointment with the ENT. He pulled the stitches out of the three inch long incision, assured her that the feeling in her shoulder, which she seemed to have lost, should come back over time, and then informed them that the biopsy results still hadn't come back. Callie cried silently the entire ride home. She didn't even know why. She was pretty sure she was going crazy. The stress of waiting for the results was just becoming too much to handle.

Over the next weekend, the family doubled their efforts to keep Callie distracted. Jesus insisted that she play video games with him and Jude, Brandon talked her into jamming with him, and the entire family participated in putting the finishing touches on the girls re-decorated room, hanging some pictures that Callie had taken, which, as Mariana had insisted they would, looked fantastic blown up and framed.

The doctor finally called Monday night.

Lena held Stef's hand the entire way up to the girls room. They paused in the doorway, bracing themselves for the conversation that was ahead.

With a final hand squeeze, Stef pulled Lena into the room, her hand brushing lightly against the freshly painted yellow walls – smiling briefly as she remembered Callie saying that they were the colour of sunshine.

Callie was sitting cross legged on the bed reading a book for her English class. Mariana was downstairs, so it was just the three of them in the room.

"Hi sweetheart," Lena greeted.

"Hi," Callie smiled softly looking up in their direction.

"Can we talk?" Stef asked.

Callie stilled, her eyes searching Stef's face, but eventually she nodded, sitting up straighter as she set her book aside.

Stef and Lena moved closer and Callie shuffled over on the bed so that Lena could sit beside her, while Stef sat in front of her.

Stef was the one to speak first, "Dr. Alder just called," she explained.

"Okay…" Callie nodded nearly imperceptibly as she held her breath in anticipation, knowing that the waiting was finally over.

Stef swallowed thickly, her eyes on Callie's face as she told her, "I'm sorry love but you _do_ have Hodgkin's Lymphoma."

Callie blinked slowly, staring at Stef but saying absolutely nothing.

"We're really sorry that this is happening sweetheart," Lena hummed, reaching over and gently brushing Callie's hair back, tucking it behind her ear, so that she could see her face better.

"It's okay," Callie shrugged then. _It was official, she had cancer_. She'd assumed she would feel something when she finally heard the biopsy results but right now she didn't feel anything. She was numb. She looked between Stef and Lena and then mumbled in monotone, "I guess it's good that you couldn't adopt me."

"What?!" Stef sputtered out, louder than she probably should have. Of everything that she'd expected Callie to say upon hearing that her diagnosis was official, the possibility that the girl she whole heartedly considered her daughter would spit out such an absurd statement had never even crossed her mind.

Lena shot Stef a look before she turned her head back in Callie's direction. "Callie? Can you explain? Please," she asked gently.

Callie shrugged, looking down at the bed and picking at invisible lint as she mumbled, "If you'd adopted me, then the state wouldn't pay for treatment."

_She'd just been told that she definitely had cancer and this was what she was worried about? The cost of treatment?_ Stef didn't know if she should scream or cry. She settled for grabbing one of Callie's hands and squeezing it as tightly as she dared. "Callie, you better look at me right now," her voice was firm and it left no room for debate. When the teenagers brown eyes lifted to meet hers, Stef continued, "Mama and I both have health insurance through work. _When _we adopt you, you will be added as a dependant. So that means that we don't need the state to pay for anything…not that that really matters…"

Lena picked up Stef's train of thought, wanting Callie to be really clear that Stef's message was coming from both of them. "Sweetheart, even if adopting you tomorrow meant that it was going to cost us a million dollars, we'd still want to adopt you. You are ours. And we want that to be official as soon as possible."

"Mama's right. The second we either find your birth father and get him to sign away his rights or that the required searching period is over, I am marching you into a courtroom and making you officially mine. It's the only way I can guarantee that you won't leave me when I'm old and crotchety," Stef declared, still incredibly serious but trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Callie shook her head at Stef's last statement, offering her the faintest of smiles.

Stef smiled back at her, "We love you so much. You know that? Yes?"

"Yes," Callie confirmed – and she did know it because Stef and Lena always made sure that she did.

"Good," Stef murmured, "Don't you ever forget it."

Stef leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Callie then, pulling her into a hug. Lena's arms were quickly added and it became a mom sandwich.


	4. Chapter 3: A New Alphabet

A/N: Thanks again for the feedback! I really love hearing what you all think! :) This next part is a bit tedious...with a lot of boring medical junk...but I was just hoping to show how overwhelming it would be for Callie to sit in a doctor's office and try to process all of this new information. There's nobody but Callie, Stef, and Lena in this part but I promise the remaining Fosters will be making a reappearance in the next chapter. Despite the medical junk, I really hope you enjoy this...let me know what you think...

xxxxxx

_**Chapter 3: A New Alphabet**_

Two days after the diagnosis was official, Callie, Stef and Lena were seated in an exam room in the hematology wing of the local cancer center waiting to meet Callie's oncologist for the first time.

Callie was nervous but she was trying to pretend that she wasn't – the result was a mix of irritation and anstiness that hadn't gone unnoticed by either Stef or Lena. Callie's irritation was currently being directed at the form they'd given her to fill out. Lena had offered to fill it out for her but Callie had refused the offer with a much angrier than necessary, "I can do it myself," which she'd sheepishly apologized for seconds later, feeling bad even though Lena just waved her hand as if it were no big deal.

The first part of the form had been easy – name, date of birth, address, emergency contact. The second part about her medical history had been fairly easy as well – she'd had her tonsils taken out when she was seven, other than that, no surgeries and no major illnesses besides a bout of pneumonia when she was ten, which she was pretty sure wasn't the kind of major illnesses that they were talking about. She'd completely skipped the third section about family medical history – there was no box to check if you didn't even know who your birth father was. She was currently filling out the fourth and final part of the form, which asked her to rate on a scale of 0 to 10 how she was feeling today in several different categories. She started reading the questions out loud to Stef and Lena, "Are you depressed? Are you anxious? How is your appetite? Are you tired? Are you drowsy? Are you in pain?" She trailed off not finishing the extensive list and instead grumbled under her breath, "This is worse than group therapy."

Stef raised an eyebrow at her, having caught her words, "Is it really _that_ bad?"

"Group therapy or this form?" Callie returned the raised eyebrow.

Stef shrugged, "I don't know. Either?"

It was Callie's turn to shrug as she turned her attention back to the form, circling zero in every category except for tiredness, where she circled a two, and appetite, where she circled a one – it might not be the exact truth but there was no way she was going to admit, on paper, to being anxious.

Callie had just finished filling out the form when the door to the exam room swung open, a young blonde woman stepping in.

"I'm April, one of the nurses who works with Dr. Lawson," the blonde woman greeted with a smile, "you must be Callie."

Callie nodded but offered no other greeting.

"And…" She turned her head towards Stef.

Taking the cue, Stef jumped in, "Stef."

"And I'm Lena," Lena followed.

"Nice to meet you all, although, as we usually say around here, I'm sorry that it had to be under these circumstances," April smiled at them all again before looking directly at Callie and asking, "Did you finish with the forms?" When Callie nodded, April reached for them. She spent a few minutes flipping through the pages – if she was surprised by the lack of details in the family medical history section, she didn't say so.

Once the forms had been placed in Callie's file, April pulled a chair up and sat down across from them and proceeded to ask a multitude of questions about how and when the symptoms leading to Callie's diagnosis had started – when Callie's one word answers were clearly insufficient, Lena jumped in to fill in the gaps. April also asked whether or not Callie had experienced any fevers, night sweats, or itchiness, symptoms she explained were generally associated with more extensive disease, to which the answer was thankfully no.

When April had finally run out of questions, she left the room to go and get the oncologist.

Dr. Lawson was a tall, thin man, with short brown hair and Callie was surprised by how young he looked. She didn't know why she'd assumed he'd be some old guy with white hair but she had.

Upon entering the room, Dr. Lawson immediately approached them, holding his hand out to shake first Callie's and then Stef and Lena's hands – a gesture Callie would later learn he liked to perform at each and every appointment. After the introductions were out of the way he pulled up a chair and sat beside April, facing them. "I imagine you have all kinds of questions," he started.

Callie shrugged but both Stef and Lena nodded.

"So, I'll do my best to explain everything. Your biopsy showed that you have Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I'm not sure how much you've read about Hodgkin's…" he trailed off, "but I want to start by telling you that it is curable in most cases…"

Callie blinked slowly, trying to keep her breathing even as he spoke. _Curable_. What a much nicer C word than cancer.

Dr. Lawson was still speaking in an even but warm tone, "With Hodgkin's, surgery to remove the cancer is not a viable treatment method. Since it's a blood cancer, we need to take a more systemic approach. What that means is that you're going to have at least four months of chemotherapy and possibly radiation…"

Everything the oncologist was saying Stef had already read, ad nauseum, on the internet but, still, hearing it from a doctor was much different than reading it on a computer screen. Actually hearing the oncologist say that Callie was going to need chemo, somehow made this whole nightmare real, and the resulting knot in Stef's stomach made her feel like she was going to be sick.

"I'm not going to get into specific treatment details too much today because, to some extent, the treatment plan we come up with is going to depend on your staging, which still needs to be determined," he paused, taking a breath and folding his hands in his lap before continuing, explaining, "To figure out staging we will need to do run a few additional tests. We'll do some blood work before you leave today. We'll get another CT scan to make sure we have the most up to date picture for comparison purposes before we start treatment. We'll also get a PET scan done, which is sort of like a CT scan but it uses a form of radioactive sugar to track down highly active cells. Basically, since cancer is highly active, the radioactive sugar tends to pool in cancerous areas. The PET scan will confirm that there is cancer in the places that we see swollen nodes on the CT scan and will also confirm whether or not there is cancer in any places that don't show up as swollen on the CT scan," Dr. Lawson knew that he was delivering a lot of technical information at once so he paused a few seconds, before finishing, "The last test we need to do is a bone marrow biopsy to check and see if the cancer has spread to your bones."

_A bone marrow biopsy?_ Callie almost stopped breathing. She'd seen enough medical related TV shows to have placed bone marrow biopsy pretty high up on her list of medical procedures she never wanted to have done – the only thing really beating it on her list of dreaded medical procedures was that test that required a needle to be placed in your eye, not that she really knew what that one was for.

Even though her face was blank, Lena could sense that Callie hadn't liked something the oncologist had just said – she'd been fidgeting all morning but now she was barely breathing, let along moving. Lena reached for Callie's hand and squeezed it tightly in her own to remind her that she wasn't alone before asking Dr. Lawson, "When will these tests get done?"

"We'll schedule the CT scan and PET scan today and let you know the exact dates and times but it will definitely be within the next week. That way we can schedule another appointment for late next week to go over the results and the detailed treatment plan. As for the bone marrow biopsy, if Callie agrees, we'll do that right now," His eyes turned to Callie with his last words.

_If Callie agrees?_ She wondered if that meant she could disagree. _Could she suggest never as an alternative time?_

Stef noticed that Callie looked paler than she had moments ago and she wasn't saying anything. Stef reached for Callie's remaining free hand and, like Lena had moments ago, she squeezed it to remind her daughter that she was right here to support her.

Callie swallowed thickly, but with the warmth of Stef and Lena's hands radiating in her own she found the courage she needed to nod, yes.

"Alright," Dr. Lawson folded his hands together, "unless you have any other questions I can answer right now, I'm just going to do a quick physical exam and then I'll step out for a minute so that April can get you ready for the bone marrow biopsy."

When neither Callie, Stef, nor Lena asked him any questions, he stood, waiting for Callie to get up on the exam table before performing a quick but thorough exam – feeling her neck and underarms, checking her spleen and abdomen, and listen to her lungs and heart.

Once Dr. Lawson left the room, April turned to Stef and Lena, "Do you remember where the waiting room is?"

"We can't stay?" Lena asked, glancing worriedly at Callie.

"No, I'm sorry," April apologized. It was really best not to have extra people, especially parents, in the room for these kinds of tests – parents didn't generally respond well to seeing what was essentially a metal rod being jabbed into their child's hip bone.

Lena sighed but she nodded getting up. Stef was a little more hesitant to get up but eventually, when Lena held her hand out to her, Stef stood, taking the offered hand. Although Lena had been the one to offer her hand, Stef was the one to lead the way towards the door. She did, however, stop momentarily beside the exam table where Callie was still sitting to plant a kiss on the side of Callie's head before continuing towards the door.

Before leaving the room Lena looked back at Callie a final time, "See you soon sweetheart."

_Bye mama_ was on the tip of Callie's tongue but instead she mumbled, "Mmhm." She vaguely remembered calling Lena mama in the recovery room after her biopsy but without the influence of drugs she couldn't quite bring herself to do it now – the thought of saying it out loud terrified her actually, it was too big of a step.

Now alone in the room with April, Callie bit her lip nervously.

"It's okay," April told her, patting Callie's arm to try and calm her obvious fear before asking her to roll onto her side.

Once Callie had rolled over onto her side, April draped a sheet over her and, as instructed, Callie rolled her pants down and her shirt up, exposing her lower back. April left the room after that to go and get Dr. Lawson.

Lying on her side on the narrow bed waiting for her oncologist to come back in the room, Callie moved her hand so that the knuckle of her thumb was resting against both her bottom lip and her teeth, and her index finger was brushing up against her nose. The motion calmed her, although not quite as much as she would have liked. She tried to ease her fear by reminding herself that she was no stranger to pain – this procedure couldn't be much worse than some of the beatings she'd taken in previous foster homes. It wasn't the most successful strategy for calming fears but it was better than nothing.

Thankfully she wasn't lying there long before Dr. Lawson and April came back into the room.

Dr. Lawson smiled gently at her before moving behind her and pulling the sheet back. April brushed her hand soothingly along the top of Callie's head a moment, whispering, "Just breathe, okay?" before moving into place to assist Dr. Lawson.

The test itself was relatively short and Dr. Lawson talked her through the whole thing. He explained that he was using a local anesthetic to freeze the area where he would insert the hollow needle but added softly and apologetically that there was no way to freeze the bone. The needle he used to inject the local anesthetic stung much more than Callie had anticipated and she sucked in a breath, pushing harder on her teeth with the knuckle of her thumb.

Moments later, when the site was numb, Dr. Lawson explained that he was inserting the hollow needle. There was a lot of pressure and Callie almost wished she could see what exactly her oncologist was doing – it felt like he might be pushing with all of his strength and if that indeed was what he was doing, she thought it would be quite comical to see. Despite the pressure, she was surprised to find that there wasn't nearly as much pain as her horrified brain had imagined there would be.

Once the hollow needle had been pushed in far enough, Dr. Lawson completed the first step of the biopsy – aspirating the fluid in the bone marrow using a syringe. Even if he hadn't been explaining everything that was happening, Callie would have known instantly that the fluid had been removed – the feeling was like no feeling Callie had ever experienced, her head tingled as if electrified. She was still getting over the shock of the strange new feeling when Dr. Lawson completed the final step of the biopsy – removing a sample of solid bone marrow tissue.

"All done," April was the one to soothe as Dr. Lawson removed the hollow needle and place a bandaid over the site.

Even though the test was done, Callie was hesitant to move.

"Do you want to see the sample?" Dr. Lawson asked.

The question startled Callie and her hesitation to move was replaced with curiosity. She removed her hand from where it had been resting comfortingly against her mouth and nose and twisted her head so she could see the vial that he was holding up. She was surprise to find that it looked like red pencil lead – she didn't know why but she'd expected it to be white.

Smiling at Callie, Dr. Lawson told her, "I've got to get this stuff down to the lab. I'll see you next week, okay?"

Callie returned her oncologist's smile with a small smile of her own, "Okay."

xxxxxx

After April got Callie cleaned up she pointed her in the direction of the waiting room.

Callie walked stiffly towards Stef and Lena.

Seeing her Stef and Lena both immediately bounced up, closing the distance between them.

"How was it?" Stef asked.

"How are you?" Lena asked at nearly the same time.

Callie shrugged, "It was fine. I'm fine."

Stef raised her eyebrow at her, "Fine? _Seriously?_ Sometimes I worry that's the only word you know, Sweets." Stef's words were delivered lightly but they carried a great deal of truth. She didn't really want to push hard when she knew that Callie was having a rough day but at the same time she knew that the months ahead were going to be worse not better – she wasn't sure they would survive if all Callie ever had to say about anything was that she was fine.

"It was fine. Seriously," Callie grumbled, shoving her hands in her pockets.

"Callie…" Lena hummed softly, not wanting an argument to start but also understanding where Stef's words had come from – sometimes talking to Callie felt like talking to a brick wall. "Are you honestly okay, sweetheart? It didn't seem like you were walking normally a moment ago."

Callie stared directly at Lena for several moments. She thought maybe if she stared long enough without saying anything Lena would let it go but the woman didn't seem to be budging. Callie sighed, pulling her hands out of her pocket and running one of them through her hair. "I'm just a bit stiff," she conceded quietly, hating to admit anything that suggested she was anything but perfectly fine. When Lena kept staring, she added, even quieter, "Honestly, it really didn't hurt as much as I thought it would."

Lena smiled at Callie then, "okay. Thanks."

Stef suppressed a chuckle, draping an arm around Callie's shoulder, "Now was that so hard?"

Callie's response was a shrug but this time Stef let her get away with, glancing in Lena's direction as she declared, "I don't know about you two but I'm starving."

xxxxxx

Over the next week, as Dr. Lawson had said she would, Callie went for another CT scan as well as her first PET scan. The tests were pretty uneventful – although she discovered that the drink they made her consume for the PET scan was mixed with room temperature tap water and tasted ten times worse than the orange mystery drink they used for the CT scan. All that was left to do after those tests were complete was wait to go back to cancer center to find out what the verdict was. Before that could happen though, Stef and Lena had another test to go to – just the two of them.

Lying on the exam table with Stef standing beside her holding her hand, Lena watched as the ultrasound technician squirted cold gel onto her belly before pulling out the ultrasound wand.

As the technician moved the wand back and forth across Lena's belly, she motioned to the screen, pointing out the baby's head.

Lena watched the screen in awe, squeezing Stef's hand but not looking away, completely enamored with the flickering picture of her unborn child. She could have watched that imagine forever but eventually the ultrasound technician pulled the wand away from her belly and the image disappeared.

It wasn't until the image was gone that Lena glanced over at Stef, surprised at what she saw. "Are you…Stef are you crying?" Lena asked blinking over at her wife in disbelief.

Stef wiped at her eyes, trying to control the tears, "I just…that's our baby." She said the word _baby _like it was the first time she had ever uttered it.

Lena smiled softly at Stef, their eyes locked, the words _our baby_ floating like music in her ears.

The technician cleared her throat, clearly feeling bad about interrupting the moment. Lena stared at Stef a moment longer before glancing slowly over at the technician.

The technician held up a printout, "I have a snapshot of the ultrasound for you."

Stef smiled widely, through still glistening tears, taking the printout from the technician.

"Alright," the technician said then, "That's everything. I'll leave you to get change."

"Thanks," Lena called softly as the technician left the room. Once the woman was gone, she glanced back at Stef.

Stef was brushing her thumb against the image of their unborn child, fresh tears rolling slowly down her cheek.

"Give me that, before you get it all wet," Lena instructed softly, reaching for the printout but instead of taking it she just brushed her thumb along the back of Stef's hand. She dropped her voice, whispering, "Honey, please tell me what's wrong."

"I just…I love you so much Lena," Stef started, her eyes locking with her wife's.

"I love you too Stef," Lena murmured, continuing the rub her thumb along the back of Stef's hand, encouraging her to continue.

"I love you so much and you're growing this whole new person inside of you that I already love more than words could ever describe…" Stef wiped at her eyes with her free hand, "…and it just makes me…I just keep thinking that for the next seven months while our baby grows bigger and stronger inside of you, Callie will be…our Callie will…" Stef couldn't bring herself to finish the thought, let alone speak it out loud. Seven months from now she had no idea exactly what state Callie would be in but she did know that the months ahead were going to be difficult ones. She didn't know yet exactly what chemo would steal from Callie but she couldn't picture her beautiful, strong, daughter escaping unscathed – howcould she when they were about to pump poison through her veins?

Tears filled Lena's eyes then too – just when she'd thought she had finally stopped crying over Callie's diagnosis. "Stef…oh, honey…"

Seeing the tears in Lena's eyes, Stef immediately stepped forward and crushed her wife into the tightest hug she could offer.

"She's going to be okay, right?" Lena whispered almost inaudibly into Stef's shoulder.

"She has to be," Stef's broken voice responded. Moments passed and then she spoke again, her words stronger, "We're going to make sure that she is."

Stef knew that there were some things that they couldn't control – the things she tried not to let herself think about – but there were thing that they could do. They could support Callie through whatever was coming next and they could make sure that she felt more loved than she'd ever felt before.

xxxxxx

On a Friday, two days after Lena's ultrasound, Callie, Stef, and Lena were back sitting in the exam room in the hematology wing of the cancer center, Dr. Lawson was sitting across from him.

"I have good…sorry…I mean decent news," Dr. Lawson, smiled apologetically at Callie at the slip, before continuing, "there hasn't been much change since your last CT scan and the areas that lit up on the PET scan correspond with the areas showing visible disease on the CT scan. There also doesn't appear to be any disease in your organs and your bone marrow biopsy came back negative."

Stef sat up straighter, relieved to hear that the cancer hadn't spread to Callie's organs or her bones. "So…what does that mean staging wise?"

Dr. Lawson smiled, "It means that it's still early stage – specifically 2A." When Callie blinked confused, he added, "the A just means you don't have fever or night sweats. The 2 means that your cancer is on one side of your diaphragm but it's in more than one spot."

Callie nodded, understanding, but not saying anything.

Lena watched Callie carefully. She kept hoping that Callie would find her voice, that she would ask questions, but when she didn't, Lena spoke for her, "What will treatment entail?"

"Well, we have two options. Either just chemo or chemo followed by radiation. I'll set up a meeting with our radiation oncologist for some time in the next few weeks for you to discuss it with him but my original inclination is to say that for someone your age we should avoid radiation. There are possible late effects that could be caused by radiation that I prefer to avoid if possible," Dr. Lawson explained, folding his hands in front of him. "Regardless, what we will do is give you two cycles of chemo and then we will do another PET and CT scan to re-evaluate. If everything looks good, you will only need 2 more cycles after that just to make sure we got everything."

"And if it doesn't look good?" Stef reached for Callie's hand as she asked the question, squeezing it tightly in her own. She hated to ask the question but she needed to know the answer.

Dr. Lawson took a breath, watching them carefully as he answered, "It depends on what exactly the results show but possibly more cycles or a different kind of chemo."

Callie tilted her head as she finally asked a question, "what is a cycle?"

If Dr. Lawson was surprised to hear Callie speak, he didn't show it. "The kind of chemo you will be getting is called ABVD. Each letter stands for one of the drugs you'll be getting. Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine, and Dacarbazine," he paused a moment.

Callie blinked slowly, taking this new information in. _ABVD? Like almost the alphabet? What happened to C?_ She supposed it being the almost alphabet would make it easy for her to remember.

"ABVD gets administered every two weeks," Dr. Lawson continued, "and, here's the tricky part, every cycle includes two treatments."

"So…" Callie frowned, doing the math, "Every cycle is a month? And four cycles is eight treatments?"

"That's right," Dr. Lawson nodded.

Lena ran her hand over the back of Callie's hand, tilting her hand in the oncologist's direction as she asked, "What about side effects?"

Dr. Lawson nodded again. Having anticipated the question, he pulled out the information sheets he'd brought with him, handing them to Callie, who blinked down at them and then immediately handed them off to Stef.

"If you look through those they have a pretty extensive list of side effects but the most prevalent will likely be nausea. You'll be leaving today with a number of prescriptions for anti-nausea medications that should help with that. I'll also be giving you a prescription for a medication to protect your kidney's during your first treatment," He explained before pulling out another handout, following Callie's previous lead and handing it to Stef, "This package goes over some of the things to look out for while you're on chemo. Specifically, you'll have to watch carefully for any sign of a fever because the chemo will compromise your immune system."

Everyone nodded and Stef clutched onto the package like it was gold – she would be sure to read this material cover to cover until she had it memorized.

"What about fertility?" Lena asked. She noticed the way the question caused Callie to blush and she wished it hadn't but she didn't regret asking. Callie might be too uncomfortable to even say the word sex out loud right now but someday she might want to have children and Lena wanted to make sure that the doctor had at least considered this option – she couldn't assume that he had.

Dr. Lawson nodded, not bothered by the question at all. "With ABVD the risk to fertility is pretty low. Given that, I wouldn't recommend egg collection because the process takes a few weeks and we really shouldn't delay the start of treatment any further." He directed his next words directly at Callie, "You might experience temporary menopause during treatment but things should go back to normal once treatment is finished."

Callie blushed further ducking her head.

Dr. Lawson noticed the girl's reaction so he moved along, "Do you have any other questions?"

Callie looked back up. There was one question pressing at the back of her mind but she hesitated to ask it. She bit her lip, chewing on it a moment before finally asking barely above a whisper, "Will I lose my hair?"

Dr. Lawson pursed his lips, nodding his head slowly, "Unfortunately, yes, it's more than likely." His voice was filled with sympathy.

Callie didn't react outwardly, or at least she didn't think that she did, but inside her mind was screaming. She'd known that chemo basically meant hair loss but actually hearing it was like a punch to the stomach. She knew logically that it was just hair and that it would grow back but it didn't stop her from feeling horrified at the idea of it all falling out.

Stef felt Callie flinch, although just barely, beside her and she squeezed her hand tighter.

"Any more questions?" Dr. Lawson prompted once more.

Callie's mind was still stuck on the high probability of hair loss, so even if she'd had more questions, there was no way she would be able to formulate them now.

Stef and Lena were also both out of questions – at least until they read more carefully through the material that he'd given them.

"Okay, so all that's left is to pick a date for your first chemo. Does next Wednesday work for you?" Dr. Lawson directed this question at all three of them.

Callie stared at him, slightly horrified at the date he was proposing. _Five days from now? Did it really have to be so soon?_ She knew that the only way to get this thing done and over with was to start treatment but still she couldn't help but wish that her first chemo could be postponed indefinitely. _Her first chemo_ – that still sounded so strange. Right now everything felt surreal but she was sure that once she actually started treatment it would get real, real fast.

Lena felt Callie tense beside her and she patted her knee, answering for her, "Wednesday is fine."

Stef nodded her agreement and, after a round of handshakes, Dr. Lawson left them.

"Well…" Stef filled the silence that had overcome them.

Callie turned her head slowly to look at Stef.

"What do you think, sweets? Time to go home?" Stef finished, reaching over and brushing at Callie's hair, trying not to frown at the sudden realization that she probably wouldn't be able to perform this soothing gesture for much longer.

Callie nodded slowly. There had been much too much information to take in and she needed time to process it. Home sounded good.


	5. Chapter 4: Welcome to this Alien Planet

A/N: I just wanted to apologize for the long delay in getting this part done - the next one should hopefully be up much quicker! Also, just wanted to say again, thank you so much for your feedback. I absolutely love reading each and everyone one of your reviews. :) Anyway...after the long wait, hopefully this doesn't disappoint...

xxxxxx

_**Chapter 4: Welcome to this Alien Planet**_

The day before Callie's first chemo treatment also happened to be Brandon's seventeenth birthday. That night, after dinner, cake and presents, and after Mike had left, Callie knocked lightly on Brandon's bedroom door.

"Hi," Brandon called, sitting up on his bed and pulling his headphones off.

"Hi," Callie returned the greeting with a smile, leaning against the door frame and peering into the room at him.

"You can come in, you know," Brandon told her as he watched her lean against the door.

Callie just shook her head, explaining, "I'm going to bed in a minute." She reached up and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, glancing down at the floor a moment before looking back up at him. "I just…wanted to apologize," she offered, her words quiet, "I'm sorry your birthday had to be so…last supper." Callie's entire day had felt ominous, overshadowed with what tomorrow would bring, and she knew that the mood had spilled over into Brandon's birthday celebration.

Brandon didn't pretend to not know what she was talking about – everyone, even his dad, had been shooting worried glances at Callie all night long – but he did wave his hand indifferently at her, murmuring, "Don't worry about it. It's not a big deal." It really _wasn't _a big deal. He watched her carefully a long moment before asking, "Are you scared for tomorrow?" He was scared for her.

Callie's first instinct was to lie and say, no, but instead she just shrugged, nudging at the ground with the toe of her foot. The truth was that she might not be scared per say but her stomach was filled with nervous butterflies. She kept trying to imagine what it would be like to get chemo, kept wondering how it would make her feel, and none of the possibilities she was imagining were pleasant. She hated that she had to have chemo at all but she hated even more not really knowing what to expect.

Brandon nodded, knowing that that was as close to admitting she was scared that Callie would probably ever get. "Callie…I…I want to apologize too," his words were soft and hesitant.

Callie frowned over at him, "What for?"

He took a breath, rubbing the palm of his hands against his knees to calm himself, so that when he spoke his words came out steady. "I just…I finally realized how selfish I've been. But I'm done with that now, I promise. I was…I was pretty angry for a while there when you got over me so quickly. But now…" Brandon could tell that Callie was about to interrupt and he held his hand up to stop her, wanting to finish what he was trying to say. His voice softened as he spoke his next words, "Now…I just keep thinking that if you'd done what I wanted, if you'd picked me instead of this family, you wouldn't be living here right now. You would be about to start chemo…" he swallowed thickly, the word chemo almost tasting funny coming out of his mouth, before starting again, "You'd be going through all of this without moms and all of your siblings by your side…not in the same way as they are now anyway. And that…it really wouldn't be fair. So, I'm sorry for ever even suggesting that you should do anything but be a member of this family."

Callie blinked slowly, stunned by his words. She didn't know what she expected him to say but it wasn't this. She knew how much she'd hurt him and she hated it. "Brandon…" she started, her voice pained.

Brandon held up his hand once more, "Callie, stop, please," his voice was still soft, "Just accept my apology, okay? Please."

"Brandon…" Callie started again, her eyes searching his face, "I…" a multitude of words flooded her brain but finally she settled for the one she knew he wanted to hear, "Okay." It came out so quiet that he had to strain to hear it.

"Thanks," Brandon smiled at her gently then, pausing a long moment before adding with another soft smile, "Do you know what I wished for when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake today?"

Callie's brow creased ever so slightly, "I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to tell people."

"I'm pretty sure that's just an old wives tale," He shrugged, pausing before continuing softly, "I wished that someday I'd get to be Uncle Brandon to your child."

Callie blinked slowly as he spoke. She supposed she should be at least mildly annoyed that he'd just assumed that she wanted to have a child someday but all she could really hear was the intention behind his wish. He'd wished that she would live long enough to have a child and he'd wished that when that happened he would be her brother. He wanted her to live and he wanted her to be a permanent part of this family. Now she truly did believe that he really did finally understand how badly she needed to be a member of this family, how badly she needed Stef and Lena to be her parents even when that meant that he would be her brother – it was his birthday but he was the one giving her a gift. She swallowed, her eyes locked with his, "You shouldn't have wasted your wish on me," the words were meant to be teasing but they came out filled with emotion.

Brandon could tell by the way she was looking at him that he'd said the exact right thing and it warmed his heart. "I'd use every single one of my wishes for the rest of my life on you if it meant that you would be okay," his words were impossibly quiet but they were filled with truth.

xxxxxx

Down the hall, Stef and Lena were getting ready for bed when there was a knock at their door.

Although she had five children, Stef narrowed down pretty quickly who was standing on the other side of the door. She knew instantly that the child requiring their attention wasn't either Jesus or Mariana, either twin would have just barged in without bothering to knock, she was also pretty sure it wasn't Brandon, who might have knocked but who wouldn't have waited for her to call out "come in" to open the door, which only left Callie or Jude.

When at her instruction to "come in", the door swung open to reveal Jude, Stef wasn't surprised. She'd been pretty sure it was her youngest son at the door when the knock had come as soon as the footsteps had stopped outside the door – if it had been Callie, Stef was certain she would have hesitated at least a few seconds, debating whether or not to knock.

"Hi sweets," Stef smiled at the boy, looking over from where she'd been putting clothes away.

Jude paused in the doorway, mumbling softly, "Hi," in return.

"What's up bud?" Lena called from the bed, setting her book on the nightstand and patting the bed beside her, "Come snuggle with me."

At Lena's words any hesitation that Jude might have been feeling dissipated and he moved quickly over to the bed, climbing in beside Lena and snuggling into her side, sighing contently as her arm wrapped around him.

Lena kissed the top of his head, rubbing his shoulder before asking, "Is something wrong?"

"No…" Jude rested his head on Lena's shoulder, pausing a few minutes before whispering, "I just…I wanted to know what's going to happen tomorrow," there was some curiosity in his voice but it was mostly laced with fear.

Lena glanced over at Stef who had finished putting the last piece of clothing away and was walking over to join the pair on the bed.

Stef climbed in beside Jude, sitting cross legged facing him and Lena. "Well…" she started slowly, "…you're going to go to school and mama and I are going to take Callie to the cancer center."

Jude nodded slowly, "and Callie's going to get chemo there?"

"Yes," Lena murmured.

Jude gnawed on his lip a minute, "But she doesn't have to stay there?" He'd never liked being apart from Callie but ever since she'd run away the thought of her spending a night somewhere that wasn't here bothered him even more.

"That's right," Stef confirmed easily. They'd already discussed all of these things but she figured Jude just needed some extra reassurance. This was his sister after all, the person he'd trusted to protect him and love him all the years that nobody else had – the thought that something might happen to her must be terrifying for him. "All of her treatment is going to be out patient. That means she's going to be home with us every night," she offered soothingly.

Jude took a breath, his eyes searching Stef's a long moment before he asked another question. "Will she be sick?"

Lena ran her hand gently through his hair, "We don't really know yet bud but I think we can expect that she's not going to feel very good for a while."

Jude frowned ever so slightly. He'd assumed as much but it was different actually hearing it. He snuggled even closer to Lena as he mumbled, "We're going to take care of her though right?"

Without meaning to, Stef gave him a funny look, wondering where this question had come from. "Of course we are sweets." _Why would he doubt that?_

"Callie's not really good at letting people take of her," Jude offered softly in response.

Stef couldn't help but laugh then, "Ya, we kind of already noticed that."

"Then you won't be mad at her?" Jude looked away from Stef as soon as the words left his mouth.

Stef frowned, sharing a concerned look with Lena.

"Mad?" Lena was honestly puzzled. "Jude, buddy, of course we won't be mad at her. Especially not just because she doesn't know how to ask for help."

"It's not her fault she's sick," Stef added, reaching over and running her hand along Jude's cheek.

At the warmth of her touch, Jude tilted his head back in her direction. His eyes were filled with sadness as he whispered, "Then you promise you won't send her away?" In the first foster home they'd been in, Callie had gotten pneumonia, she'd been in the hospital for three days, three of the worst days of his entire life. Two days after she'd gotten out of the hospital, they'd been moved to another home.

Stef's eyes widened, as her heart broke. She dropped her hand from his cheek and reached for his hand instead, squeezing it tightly in her own. "We love you and we love Callie. We are _never_ sending either of you anywhere. I promise."

"But…she's not adopted," Jude mumbled quietly in response.

"But she will be," Stef replied immediately, no hesitation in her voice.

Lena ran her hand through Jude's hair, "Buddy, I know Callie being sick is scary but I don't want you to worry about _this_ kind of stuff." Lena knew that she couldn't keep Jude from worrying about Callie's health – it wouldn't be fair to ask that when she worried about it nearly every minute of the day – but it broke her heart to see him worried about things that shouldn't even cross his mind. Just the fact that he would even consider that they would send Callie away pained her – she knew those thoughts were a product of the things he'd experienced in his previous foster home. "This is your forever home and it's Callie's forever home too. That means we love you and we keep you no matter what happens. Understand?"

Jude craned his neck to look up at her, nodding slowly, "Yes."

"Good," Lena murmured softly, pulling him closer to her, wrapping him up in a tighter hug.

xxxxxx

The next morning after the other four Foster children had been sent off to school with Brandon driving, Stef, Lena and Callie found themselves back at the cancer center.

Callie hadn't said a single word the entire drive and, besides a mumbled "thanks" when Stef held the door open for her, there hadn't been much improvement since they'd stepped foot in the cancer center.

Since it was Callie's first treatment, they were currently seated in _Chemo 101_, a short class given by an oncology nurse and a pharmacist that was supposed to tell them everything they needed to know about the chemo suite rules, how to follow the complicated instruction on the anti-nausea drug prescription bottles, what to do and what not to do post chemo, how to deal with general chemo side effects, and when to call the emergency 24/7 number. That last thing was something Stef hoped they would never have to do.

Although the information being delivered was important, as they neared the end, Stef was having a hard time paying attention – it felt a little too much like being back in school. Her eyes drifted over to Callie who was staring straight ahead with a slightly more horrified looking than usual blank stare. The oncology nurse was currently explaining about a side effect called chemo brain and Stef leaned over and whispered in Callie's ear, "I think I have _Chemo 101 _brain. My brain doesn't want to listen to any more of this."

The words had their desired effect as Callie supressed a laugh, reaching up and covering her mouth with her hand.

When Lena glanced at both of them, Stef just smiled easily at her, albeit a little wider than necessary.

It wasn't long after that _Chemo 101 _was finally over. As the other participants filtered out of the room, Callie fidgeted in her seat.

Lena reached over and ran her hand over Callie's head, "Ready to head over to the chemo suite sweetheart?"

Callie blinked slowly over at her. "I…maybe you shouldn't come with me."

"What?" Lena frowned, "Of course we're coming with you."

"No…" Callie shook her head, indicating that Lena had misunderstood. "I know that someone has to come…" even though she'd prefer to go alone, "…but I don't think you should."

Lena looked hurt and Stef immediately jumped in asking, "Why Callie?" She was sure there was some kind of explanation that only made sense to her daughter. If Callie really hadn't wanted Lena there she would have said something _before_ they left home.

Callie looked down at the ground, mumbling, "What if it hurts the baby?" In her spiel about what to do after getting chemo, the oncology nurse had explained that for the first week it was a good idea to flush the toilet twice as a precaution to protect those you shared a bathroom with from coming into contact with traces of chemo. If _that_ could be a problem, Callie imagined it would be even worse being in the same room while she was actually getting the drugs.

Lena sighed sadly then, reaching for Callie's hand, "Sweetheart, look at me."

Callie lifted her head slowly to look at Lena.

Lena's free hand settled on her stomach before she spoke her next word, "Holding your hand while you get chemo is not going to hurt your little brother or sister." Lena knew this for sure, she'd actually already checked with her doctor. "I promise I wouldn't do anything that would hurt the baby. You're just going to have to trust me on this one, okay?"

Callie stared at her a long moment but eventually she nodded her head slowly, "Okay."

Lena leaned forward and kissed her forhead, whispering softly, "I love you."

Stef smiled, sneaking in a kissing of her own before declaring, "Well…I think it's time we got this show on the road."

"Do we have to?" Callie grumbled but she stood and let Lena and Stef lead her out of the room.

xxxxxx

They'd been sitting in the chemo suite waiting room for a little over an hour. They'd been warned during _Chemo 101_ that they were usually running behind by at least two hours – it seemed like getting chemo was going to be a whole day event.

They'd mostly been sitting quietly and Stef couldn't help but use the time to scan the room curiously – it was the cop in her. She wasn't surprised to find that Callie was the youngest person in the room but she was surprised to find that the next closer person in age to her daughter couldn't be much younger than Stef herself and that people in that age range were also few and far between. The majority of the people in this room were her mother's age, if not older. When about the tenth person shot a sad look in Callie's direction, clearly thinking that she was too young to be here, Stef wondered if maybe they should have pushed to have Callie treated at a children's hospital. The thought that popped into her head, of being surrounded by small children without hair, was enough for Stef to instantly change her mind and decide that they were in the right place.

When they'd checked in a plastic hospital bracelet had been snapped around Callie's wrist and she'd been handed a number. They'd been told that the number was for anonymity but Callie was pretty sure when you were the youngest person in a room by decades it was hard to really remain anonymous. She turned the number over and over in her hand, wondering how much longer they were going to have to wait to be called.

Lena checked her watch and then reached for her purse, pulling out two pill bottles, prescriptions she'd had filled at their local pharmacy last week. "Callie, sweetheart, I think it's time for you to take these." As it had been explained to them, nausea was much easier to prevent than it was to control, which was why it was important to take these pills before she started chemo.

Both Callie and Stef looked over at Lena. Callie nodded and Stef reached for a water bottle, unscrewing the cap and handing it to Callie.

Lena counted out the pills and handed the fistful to Callie.

Callie stared down at the numerous pills in the palm of her hand a long minute before taking a big gulp of water and shoving them in her mouth, swallowing quickly to keep them from dissolving.

As she handed the water back to Stef, the woman raised her eyebrow at her, "You didn't have to swallow them _all_ at the same time."

Callie shrugged, smirking at Stef, "They were small."

xxxxxx

A half an hour later, Callie's number was finally called and they were led back into the chemo suite.

Callie wasn't sure what she'd expected but as she followed the nurse she couldn't help but glance around wide eyed taking everything in. The room was large and open. There were some hospital beds set up in the center of the room, but the majority of the patients were sitting in recliners that lined the perimeter of the room. The nurses bustling around the room were all dressed in what practically looked like hazmat suits and Callie couldn't help but stare skeptically over at Lena, wondering again if it really was safe for her to be here.

As if sensing her thoughts, Lena reached for Callie's hand, squeezing it tightly and holding it until the nurse stopped them in front of an available recliner.

As Callie got seated, the nurse, who introduced herself with a smile as Karen, set a Styrofoam tray containing an assortment of things down on the tray table beside the recliner and then proceeded to hang three bags from the IV pole beside the recliner – one large clear bag, a smaller clear bag, and a bag wrapped in brown plastic. Noticing Callie staring at the bags, Karen motioned to each in turn, identifying them as, "saline, Bleomycin, and Dacarbazine."

Callie nodded slowly, chewing on her lip and dropping her gaze to the Styrofoam container.

Following her gaze, Karen added, "The other two drugs you're getting today are in there, we give Adriamycin and Vinblastine as pushes instead of drips." She pulled the other contents of the container out to show Callie the filled syringes resting on the bottom – one bright red and the other clear.

Karen patted Callie's arm, offering soothingly, "I know the first time is a bit overwhelming but don't worry, we're going to take good care of you, I promise."

Callie took a breath nodding nearly imperceptibly, trying to ignore the way her stomach was twisting in knots as Karen pulled a chair closer to sit beside her.

As Karen got herself situated beside Callie, she motioned to another available chair and spoke to Stef and Lena, "One of you can take that chair if you want and sit on the other side. You can use this chair too once I get Callie's IV set up."

Stef and Lena shared a look but they didn't debate which one of them was taking the free chair – clearly it was going to be Lena.

Lena positioned herself beside Callie, grabbing the girl's free hand and holding it tightly with both of her own, while Stef hovered nearby.

Callie looked away while Karen was starting the IV, focusing her eyes on Stef, but, much to everyone's relief, the process went much smoother than it had when she'd had her biopsy.

"Okay," Karen smiled gently, as she started the saline drip, "All set. I'm just going to run and grab you the Tylenol your oncologist ordered and then we can get started."

Callie fidgeted as Karen walked away.

"You're doing great sweetheart," Lena murmured, pulling the hand she was holding up to her lips to kiss it.

"Much better than I would be," Stef hummed in agreement, which made both Lena and Callie laugh.

It wasn't long before Karen was back with the Tylenol and, after Callie had swallowed it, she took her seat beside Callie again, pulling out the red syringe and pushing it slowly in through the IV.

Callie watched curiously as the red liquid left the syringe and entered her body. She'd been nervous about this moment for days but now it all seemed kind of anticlimactic. If she were to look away right now, she doubted she would even be able to feel the drug entering her arm. Her eyes never left the syringe the entire fifteen minutes it took for its contents to be emptied into her system.

"One down, three to go," Karen declared, as she got up and disposed of the syringe in a biohazard container, coming back to start the Bleomycin drip, adjusting the rate on the pump. "This one will take about twenty minutes," She explained, moving backwards and motioning to Stef that she should take the chair beside Callie. Before she turned to leave she glanced at Callie, "Do you want a warm blanket?"

Callie blinked slowly, confused. "Umm…no?"

Karen smiled, clarifying, "They're basically just blankets that just came out of the dryer. If you're cold, I can get one for you."

Callie considered whether she was cold or not. She definitely wasn't warm but she didn't think she needed a blanket, so she shook her head no.

"Okay," Karen smiled again, "Shout if you need anything, I'll be around."

xxxxxx

Halfway through the Bleomycin drip, Callie had to get up to go to the washroom, which was much more challenging then she anticipated. First the IV pump had to be unplugged from the wall and then she had to drag the pole with her. Figuring out how to hold the washroom door open and get the IV pole into the room took two tries.

When Callie came back from the washroom, Lena noticed that she was noticeably paler than she'd been when she'd gotten up to go.

As Callie got herself situated back in the recliner and Stef plugged the IV pump back into the wall, Lena reached over and brushed hair out of Callie's face. "Are you okay, sweetheart?"

Callie fidgeted nervously, as she glanced around the room, searching for something.

"Callie?" Stef tried, picking up on Lena's concern and Callie's nervousness as she took her seat again.

"Umm…" Her eyes continued to scan the room, debating if she should say anything before deciding that she couldn't really not say something "…my umm…pee…umm… looked like red Kool Aid."

Stef's eyes widened, suddenly understanding why Callie had been searching the room. Spotting Callie's nurse, Stef jumped up and went over to talk to her, coming back a few minutes later and dropping back into her seat. "Okay…so apparently that's…normal." _What alien planet were they living on where urine that looked like Kool Aid was considered normal? _"Apparently it shouldn't last long…it's because of that red drug, the Adriamycin," Stef paused a minute and then, trying to lighten the mood added incredulously, "Did it _really_ look like red Kool Aid?"

"Stef…" Lena groaned, shaking her head at her wife, "you're worse than Jesus."

Callie just laughed.

xxxxxx

It was another hour after that before the last drop of Dacarbazine, the final chemo drug, was being shaken from its bag and they still had to wait twenty more minutes after that before Karen was finally pulling the IV out of Callie's arm and taping a piece of gauze over the injection site.

Callie sat motionless while the IV was being removed her eyes fixed off in the distance, trying to decide how she felt. She was tired and she was cold but otherwise she didn't feel much different than she had when they walked in here this morning. Actually, since the knot in her stomach had finally unwound, she probably felt a bit better than she had this morning.

Stef watched Callie carefully, wondering what was going on through her head. Eventually she gave up on trying to figure it out and she reached forward to pat Callie's knee, "Ready to go home sweet girl?"

Callie nodded. _Yes, she was definitely ready to get out of here._

xxxxxx

When they finally pulled into their driveway and walked into the house, they were surprised at how quiet it was. Stef had expected her remaining children to greet them at the door but they seemed nowhere to be found. She listened carefully, picking up sound in the distance. She glanced over at Lena and shrugged, "Kitchen?"

"I think so," Lena nodded, heading in that direction, Callie and Stef following her.

They stopped in the entryway to the kitchen, taking in what was going on in the room. Brandon and Jesus were setting the table and Jude and Mariana were standing by the stove.

"Hi babies," Stef greeted her children.

At her voice, everyone turned to look at the trio, although it was clear that they were mostly looking at Callie.

No one said anything for a minute and then Jude moved from the stove, picking up his pace as he slammed into Callie, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist.

Everyone stilled waiting for her reaction but she just smiled. "Nice to see you too baby," Callie told him with a laugh, ruffling his hair.

"How was it?" He mumbled into her shirt.

"It was okay," Callie shrugged one shoulder, her eyes glancing momentarily in the direction of her other siblings as she said it. "How was your day?" Her eyes were back on Jude as he pulled back from the hug and looked up at her.

"It was good…we made dinner," Jude grinned at his sister.

"With the stove?" Stef was the one to raise an incredulous eyebrow, as if this was the scariest thing she'd ever heard.

"It's just spaghetti," Mariana rolled her eyes, stirring the pot of sauce before smiling cheekily over at her mother. "Don't worry. We kept Jesus _far _away from the stove. I didn't think you'd be too happy to come home to a burned down house."

"Hey…" Jesus protested, "I'm not _that_ bad."

"You are," Everyone else called back and the room erupted in laughter.

It was exactly what Callie needed after a long day.

xxxxxx

Callie went to bed at nine and fell instantly into a deep sleep. She didn't open her eyes again until ten the next morning. She rolled over slowly, squinting in the direction of her alarm clock before bolting upright. _Why hadn't any woken her up?_

She rushed through her morning routine and stumbled down the stairs into the kitchen, stopping in her tracks as she spotted Stef.

Stef looked up from the paper and called, "Morning sweets."

"Hi," Callie mumbled, as she dropped into a chair across from Stef.

"How do you feel?" Stef asked.

Callie shrugged, "I'm fine." It wasn't even really a lie. She'd seen enough movies with cancer patients in them that she'd expected to wake up puking in the middle of night but that clearly hadn't happened and, even now that she was awake, her stomach didn't really hurt, it just felt uneasy. The only other symptom she seemed to have, besides the tiredness, was a weird taste in her mouth.

Stef scanned Callie up and down trying to discern how her daughter was actually feeling – there didn't seem to be anything overtly wrong though, so she gave up. "Do you want some breakfast?"

At the question, Callie realized that she wasn't even remotely hungry. She shook her head quickly and, hoping to divert Stef's attention from the subject, she proceeded to ask several questions of her own. "Why didn't you wake me up for school? Why aren't you at work? Did Lena go to school?"

Callie had just asked more questions than she usually asked in an entire day and Stef eyed her carefully from across the table, trying to figure out if she was being serious. "Mama is at work and I took the day off. As far as why I didn't wake you up…do you have chemo brain already? You do remember that you had chemo yesterday? Yes?"

Callie frowned at her, clearly unimpressed by Stef's attempt to be funny. "That was yesterday. I don't have to have chemo again for two weeks. I thought you said I could still go to school."

"Riight…" Stef frowned too, slightly disappointed that she hadn't managed to make Callie crack a smile. She and Lena had wanted Callie to stay home from school once treatment started but Callie had balked at that idea when they'd proposed it to her. After a lot of prodding, and some guessing, they'd figured out that she was worried that time away from school would prevent her from graduating on time – a horrifying thought for someone who basically hated every minute she had to be in that building. After the hesitant agreement of her oncologist – who'd said he wouldn't stop her from going to school if that's what she wanted even though he was worried about her being around so many other kids with a comprised immune system – they'd reluctantly decided that if there were days that she was feeling up to it, she could go to school. They'd just assumed, however, that the first day after chemo wouldn't be one of those days and, in anticipation, Stef had scheduled today off.

"So…" Callie droned from across the table when Stef didn't say anything.

Stef sighed, resting her elbows on the table and leaning forward, "Tell you what sweets, you stay here and watch movies with me all day today and I promise that if you feel okay tomorrow, you can go to school."

Callie stared at her for a long time, saying nothing, but eventually she nodded slowly, "Okay." She'd rather go to school today and pretend like everything was normal but she was pretty sure it would be useless to argue with Stef.

"Great," Stef grinned slowly across the table at Callie before shoving her chair back and getting up, walking over to the basket where they kept Jesus' medication and pulling it down from the shelf.

Jesus' one bottle was now practically lost in the assortment of bottles with Callie's name on the label. Stef had to keep herself from shuddering at the sight of all of that medication – such a clear indication that, despite what the stubborn girl at the table wanted her to believe, her daughter was incredibly unwell. Pulling four of Callie's five bottles out, Stef counted out doses of two different anti-nausea medications, the medication to protect her kidney's, and a recommended over the counter medication intended to help with the constipation that they were told was basically guaranteed from taking the first two medications. The last bottle with Callie's name on it in the basket was a third anti-nausea prescription – it was a backup in case the first two weren't enough that Stef really hoped she wouldn't have to uncap.

Also grabbing the thermometer that Lena had left in the basket, Stef walked back to the table setting first the pills and then the thermometer down in front of Callie.

Callie stared at the pills, grumbling under her breath, "I could have gotten those." It was going to be a long four months, or more, if Stef and Lena were going to treat her like she couldn't do anything for herself.

Stef pretended that she didn't hear Callie, kissing the back of her head quickly before heading for the fridge, "I'll get you some water to take those. Why don't you check your temperature first?"

Callie's gaze turned to the thermometer that Stef had set down and frowned. "Why?" She asked quietly.

"You heard what they said in Chemo 101 yesterday, we have to be on fever watch," Stef explained steadily as she poured a glass of water.

"But I don't have a fever," Callie mumbled, slumping forward in her seat and resting her head in her hands.

Stef walked back over to Callie and set the glass on the table, rubbing her hand across Callie's back, "I know I'm being annoying love but being annoying is basically a mother's job. So forgive me, please?" When Callie didn't say anything, Stef continued, "Look, I'm sure you're right about not having a fever but I'm going to worry about it until you check it. Worrying is a mother's other job. So will you check it for me, please?"

Callie sighed but she reached for the thermometer, pressing the button and slipping it under her tongue. She didn't even know why she'd protested, it wasn't as if it was that difficult to check it. She just hated how many new things she had to do, how many things there were to remind her that she had cancer, that she was getting chemo – as if the uneasy feeling in her stomach and the weird taste in her mouth weren't enough to remind her of that.

When moments later the thermometer beeped and flashed green, confirming that Callie indeed did not have a fever, Stef whispered, "thank you," kissing Callie's cheek before she took the thermometer from her hand and put it back in the basket on the shelf.

Stef turned back towards the table in time to see Callie swallowing the last of her pills. _Oh how their lives had changed_.

xxxxxx

Callie and Stef spent the rest of the day watching movies on the couch, stopping only for lunch, Stef persuading Callie to eat by making macaroni and cheese, winking at her as she told her not to tell Lena.

When the remaining Fosters came tumbling through the front door later that afternoon, Stef and Callie were still on couch. Stef was sitting with her legs propped up on the coffee table and Callie was curled up in ball, her head in Stef's lap, sound asleep.

xxxxxx

Although Callie woke up feeling marginally worse than she had Thursday morning, she did go to school on Friday. When she was met with almost as many stares as there'd been when she'd first come to Anchor Beach she almost regretted her decision – clearly word had spread about her cancer. Among the sea of stares, however, was Wyatt's friendly face and that, along with Brandon and Mariana who basically followed her everywhere, was enough to get her through the day.

She took her last required dose of anti-nausea medication at dinner that night and when she went to bed, exhausted from the day but still feeling mostly decent, she wondered if maybe being on chemo wasn't going to be as bad as she'd imagined.

It was a nice thought but when she woke up Saturday morning, it was a thought that she completely forgot ever having.

xxxxxx

The instant Callie opened her eyes Saturday morning she slammed them back shut, groaning. Her mouth had tasted weird the last few days but overnight the taste had gone from annoying to horrendous. Not only did it taste terrible but it ached. Worse than her mouth though, was the way her stomach was rolling, almost as if it was trying to mimic ocean waves.

She needed to use the washroom but she was terrified that if she moved even an inch she was going to be sick. Eventually the urge was too strong to resist and she reluctantly stumbled out of bed and into the washroom.

By the time the tank had replenished itself so that she could flush the toilet the required second time, Callie had been standing much too long and, in protest, her stomach had gone from mimicking ocean waves to mimicking ocean waves during a hurricane. As soon as she was able to flush the toilet a second time, she bolted out of the washroom, knowing that the sooner she could get herself curled back into the fetal position, the less likely she would be to throw up – the thought of vomiting terrified her.

She passed Jude in the hallway but she didn't say a word to him, practically running back to her bed, climbing in, lying on her side and drawing her knees to her chest, rocking slightly as she tried to calm the storm that was raging in her stomach.

"Callie?" Jude called concerned, having followed her back into her room. "What's wrong?"

Callie's eyes were squeezed tightly shut but at Jude's voice she blinked them open, trying to focus in his direction, wanting to reassure him that everything was fine, even though it really wasn't. "Nothing's wrong baby," she managed to get out, although her voice was strained.

Jude frowned, "It doesn't look like nothing's wrong," he told her softly.

Callie to a breath through her nose, still working on settling her stomach, "I'm fine," she mumbled.

Jude shook his head, looking at her sadly. "You don't have to pretend for me Callie."

"Jude…" Callie shuddered, closing her eyes and trying to figure out what to say. She didn't have the energy she needed to deal with this properly.

Watching his sister a moment longer, Jude decided, "I'm going to get mom."

"Jude…" Callie said again, blinking her eyes back open to look in his direction but he was already gone.

Both Lena and Stef came into the room moments later.

It was Lena who kneeled beside the bed, her hand running over the top of Callie's head as she murmured softly, "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

Callie opened her eyes and stared at Lena but she didn't say a single word. It wasn't even really that she didn't want to – it was that she couldn't quite make her brain and her mouth work together. She wasn't sure she even remembered how to admit she didn't feel well.

"Callie?" Lena tried again, humming softly, "Do you feel sick? Does something hurt?"

"I'm just nauseous," Callie sighed, closing her eyes again momentarily.

Lena glanced back at Stef who nodded quickly and disappeared from the room. Lena continued to run her hand soothingly over the top of Callie's head, smoothing her hair, as she waited for Stef to return.

Stef wasn't gone long. When she came back into the room it was with a glass of water, the backup bottle of anti-nausea medication she'd hoped just days earlier that she wouldn't have to open, and a heating pad that she'd warmed up in the microwave.

"Here sweets, this should help your stomach," Stef murmured, handing the heating pad to Lena to give to Callie.

Lena placed the pad gently over Callie's stomach, the heat immediately permeating through the fabric of the girl's pajama top. "Mmm…" Callie mumbled incoherently, opening her eyes slowly as she pushed the pad tighter against her stomach – the heat actually feeling wonderful.

"Sshh," Lena hummed, brushing her hand along the top of Callie's head one more time before rolling back on the heels of her feet and standing to make room for Stef.

Stef chose to sit on the edge of the bed, murmuring to Callie, "Do you think you can sit up for a second love? I've got your backup nausea meds."

Callie didn't really want to move but slowly she raised her head, propping herself up on her elbow and taking the pills and the glass of water from Stef, swallowing them quickly before handing the glass back to Stef and dropping her head back onto the pillow. "Thanks," she mumbled quietly, with her eyes closed again.

"Always," Stef hummed back, leaning forward and kissing Callie's forehead before standing. "Rest, okay? We'll come back to check on you but if you need something, yell."

"Mmhm…" Callie mumbled in response, already drifting back to sleep.

xxxxxx

Stef and Lena took turns checking on Callie throughout the day – although they weren't the only ones. More than once when either of them came into the room, they found one of their other children already there. Jude said he was just reading a book – the window in here had better lighting than the one in his room, or so he told Lena. Jesus told Stef that he was just looking for a pencil – it was the same excuse Brandon used with Lena later that day. Mariana, for her part, just shrugged, offering, "Last time I checked, this was my room too."

Lena tried to get Callie to eat lunch but she flat out refused. When Callie said she also wanted nothing for dinner, they decided that they weren't taking no for an answer – she couldn't go the entire day without eating anything. Stef brought a bowl of soup upstairs and when Callie stared at it horrified for several minutes before finally admitting quietly that her mouth was sore, Stef sighed and came back twenty minutes later with fluffy mash potatoes.

Callie looked like she still wanted to protest but Stef just sat down on the edge of the bed and insisted that Callie was either going to take a few bites of her own volition or Stef was going to spoon them into her mouth – it was enough incentive for Callie to pick up the spoon.

After four bites she looked up at Stef with wide eyes, practically begging her to let her stop. She just wasn't hungry.

"Okay, okay," Stef sighed, taking the spoon from Callie – those eyes were going to be the death of her.

xxxxxx

Sunday wasn't much better than Saturday. After lunch – pancakes that Lena had brought her in bed and that Callie had taken all of three bites of – Callie decided that she might feel better if she got up and had a shower.

It seemed like a good idea until five minutes into the shower when, just after she had lathered her hair with shampoo, her body started to protest having to stand for so long. She tried to ignore the rapidly increasing rippling in her stomach but when her vision started to get spotty she knew that she wouldn't last standing up for even another minute. Shutting the tap off on the shower, she stepped out, quickly spreading her towel on the ground and curling up into the fetal position – there was no time to get back to her room, she wouldn't make it there in one piece and, besides, she still had shampoo in her hair.

She stayed on the floor for fifteen minutes. It wasn't until there was a knock on the door and she heard Stef's voice calling, "Callie, are you okay in there?" that she even thought about getting up.

"I'm fine," she called back through the door, standing slowly and getting back into the shower, not wanting to give Stef anymore time to worry. She turned the water spray back on, rinsing her hair as quickly as possible before rushing to get changed into fresh pajamas so that she could climb back into her bed before her vision had the opportunity to go spotty again.

xxxxxx

Monday was marginally better than Sunday. Lena stayed home with her and Callie managed to make it from her bed down to the couch, where she spent the entire day.

Stef and Lena had given up the day before on trying to get Callie to eat solid food and, so, at lunch Lena handed her daughter a bottle of Ensure. Callie eyed it skeptically but she took it from Lena, sipping it slowly, surprised to find that she managed to finish the entire bottle.

xxxxxx

Tuesday Callie managed to stomach both lunch and dinner, albeit fairly small portions of each. She also managed to shower without feeling like she was going to pass out – an accomplishment that she didn't mention to Stef or Lena because that would require her having to explain what had happened the previous time she'd had a shower. She had no intentions of ever revealing that particular event – Stef and Lena were already looking at her like she was made of glass, Callie didn't want to give them any more reason to.

xxxxxx

Wednesday Callie felt half human again and by Thursday she'd talked Stef and Lena into letting her go back to school. She only made it halfway through the day. Lena came to check on her at lunch, and, alarmed by how pale she looked, she ignored Callie's half-hearted attempts to protest and took her home.

xxxxxx

By Tuesday of the following week, Callie felt like herself again. Or, as close to herself as she imagined she was ever going to feel. She was pretty sure that the girl she'd been two Tuesday's ago no longer existed. Chemo, or maybe cancer, had obliterated her.

It had been two weeks since she'd gotten chemo and she almost felt like herself again, which meant it was time to do it all over again.


	6. Chapter 5: Gains, Losses

A/N: As always, I want to thank you all for your reviews - reading them definitely makes my day! :) This chapter was supposed to be "short" but it kind of got away from me. I've now decided that it's not possible for me to keep anything short when it comes to this story, which unfortunately means it's taking me a lot longer to update than I'd hoped it would. Hopefully this was worth the wait though...enjoy :)

xxxxxx

_**Chapter 5: Gains, Losses**_

On the Wednesday morning two weeks after her first chemo treatment, Callie sat beside Lena in an exam room in the hematology wing of the cancer center, waiting to see her oncologist. Instead of coming with them, Stef had gone to work this morning. After much debate earlier in the week, they'd decided that Lena and Stef would take turns taking Callie to chemo. Callie had been pretty adamant about only wanting one of them there, which they would have just ignored if it weren't for the valid point she'd made that three had been a bit of crowd around the recliner in the chemo suite at the previous infusion.

Despite the earlier decision, Stef had almost changed her mind earlier that morning and Lena had had to push her out of the door, insisting she would provide updates throughout the day if that was _really_ what Stef wanted. Lena was currently texting Stef one of the promised updates. A short message – _Just waiting for Dr. L_.

Callie, for her part, was currently picking at the tape holding a piece of gauze in place in the crook of her left arm – she'd started the morning down in the cancer center lab having her blood drawn.

Putting her phone away, Lena glanced over at Callie, noticing her daughter's fingers picking at the tape on her arm and recognizing it as sign that Callie was nervous, or possibly bored. Regardless, she reached over and stilled Callie's hand, grabbing it and lacing her fingers with Callie's. "Are you okay?"

Callie looked over at Lena, shrugging one shoulder, "I'm fine." She was really starting to get tired of being asked that question ten times a day.

Before Lena could say anything else, the door swung open and April, Callie's oncology nurse, walked in, carrying Callie's chart with her. She smiled at the pair in greeting, "Hi."

"Hi April," Lena returned the greeting with a smile of her own, while Callie just nodded.

"Dr. Lawson will be in a minute," April informed them, as she took a seat across from them, "I just wanted to check in first, see how you are feeling today and how you're last few weeks were."

Callie offered April the same response she'd given Lena moments ago, "I'm fine."

April glanced momentarily over at Lena, as if to ask if this was indeed true, but instead of waiting for Lena to offer anything, April turned her head back to Callie, "And how did everything go after chemo?"

Callie shrugged, glancing away from April as she mumbled quietly, "It was okay."

"Callie…" Lena interrupted then, her tone soft but disbelieving, encouraging Callie to speak up and explain that, in fact, she hadn't felt very good following her last treatment.

Callie's head tilted slowly to look over at Lena, her eyes saying more than she ever did with words. She really didn't want to talk about how chemo had made her feel. _Did it really matter? It wasn't like she'd puked or anything._

Lena sighed, reaching up and brushing at Callie's hair. "Sweetheart, April and Dr. Lawson need to know how you felt, so that they can help you better manage the side effects."

"Your mom is right," April added gently.

Callie pulled her hand out of Lena's and started picking at the tape on her arm again as she mumbled nearly incomprehensibly, "I was just nauseous."

Lena glanced sadly at her daughter. _Just nauseous_ was more than just a bit of an understatement. Deciding that Callie was never going to provide April with enough information, Lena supplied additional details, "She was _really_ nauseous. She spent Saturday and Sunday in bed and she was pretty sick for most of the week after that as well."

Callie just frowned, continuing to pick at the tape on her arm, finally manage to free one side of it from her skin.

April's eyes widened, "Oh wow, that sounds pretty bad Callie. Were you using the backup nausea medication?"

Callie finished pulling the taped piece of gauze away from her skin, glancing down at the small dried spot of blood where the needle had been inserted earlier this morning and mumbling, "Ya. It didn't help. And it made me sleepy."

Lena was surprised when Callie offered anything but April just nodded slowly, "Okay. Well, we've got lots of options. I'll talk to Dr. Lawson and make sure that you get some different anti-nausea medication for your next round of chemo… unfortunately that won't be happening today though."

Callie's head immediately titled up, looking away from her arm and at April. _Did she hear that properly? She wasn't getting chemo today?_ She glanced quickly over at Lena and, based on the confused look on Lena's face, Callie guessed that she hadn't actually misheard April.

Sensing their confusion, April clarified, "Your white blood cell count is too low to proceed with chemo today. Your overall count is only 2.3, which is low. The number we're really looking at though is a specific type of white blood cells called neutrophils, which fight infections. We like your neutrophil count to be at least 1.0 to give you chemo and yours is only 0.5."

Callie tried to pay attention to everything that April was saying but it was hard when her mind kept wandering back to the fact that she wouldn't be getting chemo today.

Lena was managing to be more focused than Callie and when April finished explaining about Callie's blood counts she asked, "Does that mean she's at risk for infection?"

"Potentially, yes. Right now she's what we call neutropenic, so you _do _want to be careful," April confirmed before asking, "We gave you the list of foods to avoid while on chemo, right?"

Lena nodded, Stef had insisted on posting the list of foods to avoid on the fridge – it included things like raw fruit and vegetables, especially those that were difficult to wash completely, any meat that wasn't cooked completely through, and raw nuts.

"You definitely want to make sure you're following that while she's neutropenic, okay?" April explained.

Lena nodded again, looking over at Callie who seemed to be staring off into space, "We can do that. Right, sweetheart?" She prompted, reaching over and patting Callie's knee, hoping to bring the girl back from wherever her head had taken her.

"Hmm…" Callie turned her head to look over at Lena. "Umm…ya," she said as slowly.

Lena smiled softly at Callie, reaching over and tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear before glancing back at April. "If Callie isn't getting chemo today when is she going to get it?"

"We typically delay by one week but I'll go get Dr. Lawson and let him come in and explain to you what's going to happen now," April answered before standing up and leaving the room.

xxxxxx

Within five minutes, Dr. Lawson was opening the door to the exam room. He greeted them with a smile and a handshake before setting Callie's chart down and resting his elbow on the counter. "So April told you about your white blood cell count?"

Callie nodded slowly but didn't say anything.

"And she explained that we're going to wait until next week to do your next chemo?" He asked next.

"Mmhmm," Callie nodded slowly again.

He smiled gently. He'd only met Callie a few times to date but he was already used to her non-responses. "I know it's a bit of a shock to come here and expect to get chemo and be told that you won't be but it's not uncommon after the first treatment. A one week delay won't affect your prognosis in the long run and we're going to make sure that there are no further delays by adding a growth factor shot."

Callie blinked slowly, staring at her oncologist and waiting for him to continue. She was more focused now than she'd been when the nurse was in the room.

"You'll get a Neulasta shot two days after your chemo treatments from now on and it will stimulate the growth of white blood cells," he explained.

Callie nodded, taking this new information in, as Lena asked, "Will we have to come back here on Friday's for Callie to get the shot then?"

"No," Dr. Lawson shook his head, "The first time we'll have someone come to your house to show you how to use it but after that either Callie can give it to herself or you or your wife can do it for her."

_She was going to have to give the needle to herself?_ Callie tried not to sound horrified as she mumbled, "I'll do it."

Lena looked over in Callie's direction, sighing but not bothering to tell Callie that she didn't have to do it herself. Callie insisting that she was going to do it herself was exactly what Lena expected of her daughter – the odds of Callie willingly letting anyone do anything for her were basically slim to none – but that didn't mean that Lena didn't wish things were different. She wished Callie would accept their help easily. She wished her daughter had never learned to be so self-sufficient in the first place.

Dr. Lawson nodded, moving over to the exam table and patting the top of it, "Can you hop up here, Callie? I just want to do a quick exam and then I promise I'll leave you alone so that you can enjoy the rest of your day now that you don't have to stick around for chemo."

Without hesitation, Callie got up and climbed onto the exam table, sitting with her legs dangling over the side as Dr. Lawson listened to her heart and lungs before moving behind her to feel the lymph nodes in her neck and under her arms.

Feeling under Callie's left arm, Dr. Lawson shot a smile in Lena's direction as he spoke to Callie, "I can't feel the lymph node under your arm anymore Callie and the one in your neck is definitely smaller than it was as well."

Callie craned her neck to look back at Dr. Lawson, "Really?" She couldn't keep the surprised word from slipping out.

"Really," Dr. Lawson smiled at her.

"It's…it's working? _Already_?" Callie asked, still disbelieving, even as the corners of her mouth twitched upwards, forming a small smile.

"Yes. It's certainly promising to see a reduction after the first treatment," Dr. Lawson continued, still smiling at her, patting her arm and adding, "Now why don't you hop down…I think your mom wants to give you a hug," he winked, motioning in Lena's direction.

Callie glanced back at Lena, surprised to see tears in the woman's eyes. She hopped off the exam table and shuffled towards Lena, stopping in front of her. Looking up, she whispered, stating the obvious, "You're crying."

Lena wiped at her eyes. "It's the baby hormones," she laughed as she reached forward and pulled Callie into a tight hug, whispering, "I love you," in her ear.

xxxxxx

Later that afternoon, Callie was sitting cross-legged on her bed reading her English book. Either Lena or one of her siblings had been bringing her work home on the days when she didn't go to school but she had still managed to fall behind and she was hoping she'd be able to catch up with this extra week off.

Across the room, Mariana was lying on her stomach on her own bed, propped up on her elbows with her feet dangling in the air, doing her math homework. Tapping her pencil against her work book, she glanced over at Callie, "So…are you coming to school tomorrow?"

Callie's eyes drifted in Mariana's direction, "Ya."

Mariana nodded, she'd expected Callie to say as much, but she raised an eyebrow, adding incredulously, "Moms are _letting_ you?"

Callie shrugged but her lips twitched upward in a smile, knowing that Mariana was teasing. "I think they'd prefer if I didn't but they didn't say no."

"What they'd prefer is if they could put you in a bubble," Mariana laughed – although the truth was that there was some seriousness behind her words. She couldn't help but wonder if it really was safe for Callie to come to school. Moms had acted like it wasn't a big deal that Callie wasn't healthy enough to get chemo today but Mariana suspected that had mostly been for Jude's benefit. After all, Callie needed the chemo to get better – she doubted they would really not give it to her unless something was really wrong.

Callie snorted, rolling her eyes, "Tell me about it." The first thing Stef had done when she'd gotten home from work, after hugging her tightly, was put her hand on Callie's forehead to check and see if she was warm. Callie was _positive_ that if Stef could figure out how to put her in a bubble, she would.

Mariana bit her lip and watched Callie carefully. Finally unable to stop herself, she mumbled quietly, "You're okay, right?"

Callie groaned, flopping back on her bed and closing her eyes, "Not you too."

Mariana watched Callie a moment longer before she mumbled quietly again, "Sorry."

Callie blinked her eyes back open, sitting up again and shooting an apologetic look in Mariana's direction, "I'm fine. Really."

"Okay," Mariana nodded, accepting Callie's words, and turning back to her math workbook. She finished another problem before glancing over at Callie again and offering conversationally, "At least now you won't feel like crap this weekend."

"That's what Wyatt said," Callie told her, not looking up from her book. Callie understood where Wyatt and Mariana were coming from but she wasn't as excited as she would like to be about gaining an extra week of feeling decent. The truth was that all that gaining the extra week really meant was that this whole cancer thing was going to have to last a week longer. When all Callie really wanted was for the whole experience to be over as fast as possible, it was hard to see this gain as anything other than a loss.

"You talked to Wyatt?" Mariana's eyebrow rose at this revelation.

Callie looked up from her book then, "He texted me to ask how chemo went and I told him it didn't. He said we should do something this weekend to celebrate me gaining an extra weekend of freedom."

"Like a date?" Mariana pulled herself into a sitting position, intrigued by what Callie was saying.

Callie's eyes immediately widened and she shook her head vehemently, "No! Like _friends_." She couldn't date Wyatt now, not while she was falling apart – she'd told him as much and he'd seemed understanding about it.

"_Sure_," Mariana grinned, teasing her.

Callie just shook her head amused at Mariana's reaction. She suspected she wouldn't be able to _really_ convince Mariana otherwise, so she didn't bother to try again.

When Callie didn't say anything for several minutes, Mariana rolled back over onto her stomach and went back to her math homework. She was halfway through the problem she'd just started when Callie called her name softly across the room.

Callie set her book down, fidgeting nervously as she waited for Mariana to look over at her. When Mariana's eyes did meet hers, she hesitated a moment before asking softly, "Could you…uh…could you help me with something?"

Mariana eyed Callie curiously but her reply of, "Sure," came without hesitation – she would help Callie with whatever she needed, that's what sisters were for.

Callie got up off of her bed, waving her hand indicating for Mariana to stay, "I just have to go get something."

Mariana's eyes followed Callie curiously out of the room until she disappeared from site before going back to her math homework while she waited for Callie to return.

Callie wasn't gone long, coming back into the room and stopping beside Mariana's bed.

"What are you doing with the scissors?" Mariana eyed her funnily, rolling over and sitting up, letting her legs dangle over the side of the bed.

"I want you to cut my hair," Callie offered, as if that should have been obvious.

"You want me to cut your hair?" Mariana repeated Callie's words incredulously.

"Yes," Callie nodded seriously.

"You want _me_ to cut your hair," Mariana was still looking at Callie like this was the craziest thing she'd ever heard.

"_Yes_," Callie confirmed a second time.

Mariana raised her eyebrow at Callie, "You do realize moms would take you to a salon if you asked them, right?"

Callie shrugged, "What's the point? Why waste the money? It's just going to fall out anyway." She knew that Mariana was right, Stef and Lena would take her to a salon in a heartbeat – they'd probably be thrilled that she even asked – but the thought of actually asking still made her stomach turn. The logical part of her brain knew that she could ask Stef and Lena for pretty much anything but the part of her brain that had been in foster care for more than six years didn't like to ask for things. Besides, she really did believe what she'd just told Mariana. _Why bother when it was going to fall out anyway?_

Mariana frowned, eyeing Callie carefully before asking curiously, "Why cut it at all?"

"Umm…because…I, uh, noticed today that I can do _this_…" Callie ran her hand through her hair and pulled it back, showing Mariana the long strands of dark hair caught between her fingers – it was way more hair than should ever come out with that simple action. Although, she thought, at least it wasn't coming out in clumps.

Mariana couldn't help the way her eyes widened at Callie's action. For once in her life she was speechless.

Callie missed the look on Mariana's face, having walked over to the garbage pail they kept in their room to drop the fistful of hair into the basket. She shook her hand to get the last clinging strands of hair off. She turned back to Mariana and sighed, "It's gonna get _everywhere_. It would be better if it was shorter…right?" Even though cutting her hair had been her idea, her last words came out hesitant. She needed Mariana's reassurance.

Mariana doubted that there was actually any way to make losing your hair _better_, but she just nodded, offering immediately "Ya, I think so." What Callie needed was for her to be supportive and, so, Mariana ignored the lump in her throat, standing up and walking over to Callie, taking the scissors from her sister's hand and suggesting, "Bathroom?"

Callie nodded slowly before letting Mariana lead the way out of the room.

xxxxxx

Forty minutes later, they were being called down for dinner.

Callie followed Mariana down the stairs but she stopped just shy of the kitchen.

Mariana walked into the kitchen but when she realized that Callie wasn't with her anymore, she stopped, turned back around and walked out.

Stef and Lena shared confused looks but Stef just shrugged, going back to scooping food onto Jude's plate.

Mariana didn't have to go far to find where Callie had stopped. She grabbed her sister's wrist, telling her, "Come on, it looks great, everyone is going to think so," as she pulled her into the kitchen.

Callie let herself be pulled into the kitchen but as everyone's eyes turned in her direction she dropped hers to the ground. She didn't want to see their reaction as they took in her now chin length hair.

Jude was the first to get over the initial shock at Callie's new haircut and speak, "You cut your hair." His words didn't sound surprised or shocked, they were simply delivered as a statement.

Callie nodded, raising her eyes slowly to glance in his direction.

"I like it," Jude smiled at his sister.

"Me too," Brandon agreed from beside Jude at the table.

"See I told you," Mariana grinned, shoving Callie lightly, encouraging her to head towards the table and take a seat, Mariana following her and taking her own seat.

Stef finished scooping food onto the last empty plate before taking an indirect route to her seat, brushing her hand across the back of Callie's head and planting a kiss there as she passed her, murmuring, "Your brothers are right, it looks nice love."

"Yes it does," Lena hummed her agreement, smiling gently at Callie from across the table.

Jesus took a large bite of his dinner, chewing it as he stared at Callie, finally deciding, "It does look good…but I think you should have gotten a Mohawk instead."

"Jesus…" Everyone groaned.

xxxxxx

Three days later, on Saturday, Callie was getting ready to go out with Wyatt. It had taken more convincing than she'd expected but Lena and Stef had finally agreed to let her go out – as long as she promised to keep her phone on and with her at all times and that she would call if she felt even the slightest bit unwell.

Callie had been in the bathroom a long time and Mariana pounded on the door, "Callie what is taking so long? Wyatt's going to be here any minute."

When no answer came from the other side of the door, Mariana tried again, louder, "You're going to be late for your _date_."

Mariana was sure that the teasing would prompt an answer from the other side of the door, so when it didn't her heart started to flutter in worry. She was just about to go and get moms when the bathroom door slowly slung open.

Callie was standing on the other side of the door with wet hair and wide eyes. She just stared at Mariana not saying anything.

Mariana's eyes drifted to the object in Callie's right hand. It took her brain a moment to process what she was seeing and to realize that the object was a brush. The head of the brush wasn't visible at all – it was completely covered by a mass of dark hair. If it weren't for the handle of the brush, Mariana might have thought Callie was holding some kind of furry creature. "Oh Callie…" she hummed.

At Mariana's words Callie startled, blinking rapidly as she tried to formulate words of her own. Before Mariana had knocked on the bathroom door she'd been frozen, staring horrified at the brush. Her hair had been falling out in strands for days now but this was so much different – this wasn't strands, it was clumps. She'd spent a lot of time thinking about losing her hair in the weeks leading up to her first treatment but she'd never actually thought about _how_ it would happen, just about the end result. She'd never considered that a task as simple as brushing her hair would suddenly seem like an impossible feat. The first pass she had taken, the one that had resulted in the brush looking like some sort of ugly Chia pet, hadn't even made it from the top of her head to the bottom of her hair. "I…uhh…do you have another brush?" _Maybe a brush with different bristles would work better._

"Umm…" Mariana was still staring at the brush in Callie's hand, "…yes…" she got a hold of herself, nodding firmly and sounding more confident as she said again, "Yes." She moved quickly into their bedroom, grabbed the brush and came back.

xxxxxx

Five minutes later Stef was calling up the stairs, "Callie. Wyatt is here."

"We need a minute!" Mariana was the one to yell back down the stairs.

Stef frowned, suddenly concerned – Callie didn't usually take so long to get ready. Brandon was walking by and she grabbed his arm, "Will you entertain Wyatt a minute?"

Brandon considered her question only a split second before nodding slowly and turning to Wyatt, "Living room?"

Wyatt nodded and followed him as Stef turned and walked up the stairs. The bathroom door was open and she poked her head in, "What's going on up here?"

Mariana was sitting on the counter and she turned her head to look at her mother, motioning with her head that Stef should come in but not actually saying anything.

Stef took a few steps into the room and stopped, trying to figure out what was going on.

Callie, who was standing beside Mariana facing the mirror, heard Stef come into the bathroom but she didn't turn to look at her, instead focusing on the task at hand. The brush that Mariana had brought from their room wasn't any better than the originally brush but slowly and surely she was managing to untangle her hair. She kept expecting the surprise to wear off each time she pulled the brush back to find it completely hidden by tangles of dark hair but it didn't really. She wasn't as upset about it as she thought she would be either though – the whole thing really just felt surreal. She handed the hair covered brush to Mariana, exchanging it for the other brush.

Mariana wordlessly took the brush Callie offered her, slowly untangling the hair from the bristles and dropping the clump into the garbage pail she had dragged over between them. She held the now clean brush in her hand waiting to exchange it with Callie once more. She'd offered to brush Callie's hair for her but Callie had shook her head vehemently – truthfully Mariana was sort of glad she wouldn't have to actually feel Callie's hair pulling away from her head. She wasn't sure she would have managed to maintain her composure.

Stef watched her daughters pass the brushes between each other in what felt like an easy practiced motion and she couldn't help but bring her hand up to her mouth as she took a shuddering breath. _Callie's hair was falling out. _She understood what was happening now but she couldn't quite figure out what to say. Instead she stood in silence and let them finish.

Callie pulled the brush away from her head a final time and instead of handing it to Mariana, this time she pulled the hair away from the bristles herself. Glancing down into the garbage pail as she dropped the large clump of hair into the basket, she was surprised to find that it was full nearly to the top. Shuddering ever so slightly, she glanced back to the mirror, taking in the distinct change. There was still hair on her head but it was significantly thinner than it had been this morning and she could see her scalp in places.

Stef walked closer to Callie then and, as her figure appeared in the mirror, Callie finally acknowledged her presence, murmuring, "Hi," to the reflection in the mirror.

"Hi baby," Stef hummed, reaching up and placing her hand on the back of Callie's head, pulling it closer so that she could plant a lingering kiss on the side of her daughter's temple, trying to pass all of her love with that simple action. After a moment she pulled back, moving her hand to rest on Callie's lower back and asking softly, "Do you still want to go out with Wyatt?"

Callie considered the question only a second before nodding. _She couldn't just not leave the house because her hair was falling out. _She definitely wasn't about to spend the next four months, or more, cooped up in this house. Yet she couldn't help but glance back at herself in the mirror, subconsciously reaching up to touch her hair.

Sensing Callie's trepidation, Stef spoke softly again, asking, "Would a hat help?"

As soon as Callie nodded, Mariana hoped down from her perch, declaring, "On it!"

xxxxxx

When Callie finally came downstairs, Mariana and Stef following her, she was surprised to find all three of her brothers in the living room with Wyatt.

Jesus grinned a little too widely at her and she eyed the three of them suspiciously. She reached up to make sure the hat that Mariana had found for her was firmly in place on her head before she asked hesitantly, a little worried about the answer, "What's going on in here?"

"We were just giving Wyatt the rules for dating our sister," Jesus said, trying to sound innocent, as Jude giggled into his hand.

"It's _not_ a date," Callie groaned. _Why would nobody believe her?_

"That's what I keep telling them," Wyatt said, smiling slowly over at her, noticing the hat but not saying anything. "They don't listen."

Callie laughed as Mariana declared, "Ya, you don't have to tell us that."

"So…where _are_ you taking my daughter on this not date?" Stef raised an eyebrow in Wyatt's direction, putting on her best cop face, unable to keep herself from joining in in harassing him. It might not be a date per say but it was still fun to watch him squirm.

"Well…I sort of…it's kind of a surprise," Wyatt ran his hand through his long hair, smiling hopefully over at Stef.

Lena appeared in the doorway to the living room then, leaning against the wall, "Leave him alone Stef, I already talked to him," she smiled amused.

"You're no fun," Stef crossed her arms and pretended to pout.

"Sorry," Lena rolled her eyes and laughed at her wife, not sounding actually sorry at all.

Wyatt rubbed the palm of his hands against his knees before he glanced over at Callie, "Are you ready to go?"

Callie glanced quickly between Stef and Lena, wanting their final okay, before she looked over at Wyatt and nodded, "Yes."

xxxxxx

After Callie and Wyatt had left, Mariana turned to her mothers and asked, "Can Brandon take me to the mall?"

"What? No," Brandon called out before either mother could respond. He was pretty sure he had better things to do than play chauffer.

Mariana rolled her eyes at him, "You didn't even hear why yet. You'll want to go, trust me."

Brandon stared at her several moments before caving, "Fine. Why?"

"I want to get some things for Callie," Mariana crossed her arms and fixed him with a gaze that dared him to deny her request now.

Brandon sighed, rubbing his hand across his face, not wanting to admit that Mariana was right – now he _did_ want to go. If it was something for Callie he definitely wanted to help. It had been hard since she started chemo to figure out what to do for her.

"What kind of things?" Jude asked curiously from his seat on the couch.

"Hats," Mariana told him, glancing back at her mom then, wondering how much she should tell Jude.

Stef smiled gently at her daughter, "That's a great idea love." She moved over and sat beside Jude on the couch, occupying the space Wyatt had been sitting in. She ran her hand absentmindedly along his back as she explained not only to him but to her other sons and Lena, "Callie's hair started falling out."

Lena had suspected as much when she'd spotted the hat on Callie's head but it still pained her to hear it. She wished she'd had a chance to talk to Callie before she left.

"Oh…" Jude's face fell.

Seeing her youngest son's reaction to this newest development, Stef said, "Why don't we _all _go shopping? That way you can help pick out something nice for Callie as a surprise?"

Jude perked up a little bit at those words, "Really?" He liked the idea of helping pick something out for Callie. In the years they'd lived in foster care, Callie had sometimes managed to get surprises for him but if she had ever gotten a surprise herself, he couldn't remember.

"Well…we can't let Mariana have _all_ the fun," Stef winked and everyone laughed.

xxxxxx

While the rest of the Foster family were at the mall, Wyatt took Callie to the Museum of Photographic Art in Balboa Park. It was a perfect choice and Wyatt was rewarded with a large grin as soon as they walked through the door to the museum – it was exactly the reaction he'd hoped for.

They walked through the exhibits talking and laughing and if it weren't for the hat on her head, which she reached up to adjust periodically, Callie might have forgotten that her life was anything but normal. It was exactly what she needed and she was thankful to have a friend like Wyatt who recognized that.

After they'd wandered through the museum for a while, Wyatt could tell that Callie was getting tired and he suggested that they leave to go get a late lunch. Lena had warned him that Callie had to be careful about what she was eating but she had also said it would okay for him to take her out for lunch as long as he took her somewhere clean, that wasn't a buffet, and where everything she was going to eat was cooked in an oven. Considering his options, Wyatt had decided that his favourite pizza place was the perfect place.

Entering the restaurant they walked over towards a booth and Callie pulled her coat off. Her eyes widened immediately as she realized that the back of her coat was covered in hair. There was actually so much hair on her coat that she almost laughed. She frowned instead though, wondering what people had thought as they wandered through the museum. She glanced accusingly at Wyatt, "Why didn't you tell me I had a freaking squirrel on my back?"

Wyatt looked guilty, looking down at the table and mumbling softly, "I…I didn't know what to say."

Callie sighed, suddenly feeling bad for making him uncomfortable. Of course he wouldn't have any clue what to say. "Sorry," she apologized, pausing momentarily before adding, "I'm just going to run to the washroom, okay?"

"Sure," he smiled gently at her before she walked away.

In the washroom, Callie glanced around, glad to find that there was no one else in there but her. The first thing she did was pick the hair off of her coat and drop it into the garbage. She then moved over towards the row of sinks, pulling off her hat and glancing at herself in the mirror. It seemed that not all the hair that had fallen from her head since she'd left the house had made its way onto the back of her coat – a great deal of it had gotten caught in the bottom of her remaining hair. She reached up and pulled the loose hair away as best as she could, although, without a brush, it was difficult to completely untangle it.

Eventually satisfied, or at least conceding that there wasn't much else she could do, she pulled the hat back into place and left the washroom, walking back to Wyatt and sliding into the booth across from him.

She tried to go back to pretending her life was normal but it was harder to do now than it had been at the museum.

xxxxxx

Wyatt dropped Callie off back at home later that afternoon. As soon as she stepped through the door, Jude was practically bouncing towards her. He skidded to a halt in front of her, grinning widely, his excitement palpable.

Callie had no idea what had her brother so excited but she couldn't help but grin back at him, it was nice to see him looking so happy, "Hi baby."

"Hi Callie," Jude grinned even wider.

"What's going on?" Callie asked, still wondering why he seemed so happy, as she reached forward and ruffled his hair.

Jude reached for her hand, "It's a surprise. For you. Come see," he tugged on her hand, eager to bring her to the kitchen to show her all of the hats they'd picked out for her.

"A surprise?" Callie tried not to laugh at his enthusiasm as he basically pulled her into the kitchen. She was surprised to find that her entire family was in there – although she doubted them being in the same room was the actual _surprise_.

Callie glanced between the members of her family one by one, stopping when she got to Jesus, who had a clearly feminine black hat perched on the top of his head. "Is the surprise that Jesus has decided to have questionable fashion taste?" She smiled over at Jude.

"No!" Jude giggled.

"Hey…" Jesus feigned indignation, sticking his lip out and pretending to pout as he asked Callie, "You don't like my new hat?"

Callie couldn't help but laugh as she shook her head, "It's beautiful Jesus."

"Good," Jesus grinned sloppily over at her, "because it's yours."

"Mine?" Callie asked confused.

Jude couldn't contain himself any longer, rocking on the balls of his feet as he told Callie, "We went shopping for you!"

"You _all _went shopping…for _me_," Callie's eyes widened in genuine surprise. It wasn't that Stef and Lena had never bought her anything, it was the thought of her entire family going shopping together for no other reason than to get _her_ something that she found surprising.

"Trust me, it was a real _treat_," Brandon offered sarcastically but with a warm smile.

Jude continued to practically bounce beside Callie, "We picked out lots of nice hats for you!"

_Hats? Plural?_ Callie's eyes scanned the room. When she spotted the stacks of hats resting on the table, her eyes widened further. "How…how many hats did you get?" She asked with a mixture of wonder and disbelief. _Did they really get all of those for her?_

Stef grinned, Callie's reaction confirming for her that they'd done the right thing. "Just a few…dozen," She shrugged before adding with a wink, "Mariana went a bit overboard."

"_Mariana_," Mariana raised her eyebrow incredulously when her mother implied that this was all her doing, "Excuse me but I'm pretty sure mama picked out at least half of those and I saw you and Jesus fighting over which ball cap to get…which I'm pretty sure is why we ended up with _three_."

"As if Callie would really believe _that_," Stef tried to keep her face straight but she couldn't as she started to laugh.

Callie couldn't help but smile at the banter but she didn't join in, instead walking over to the table and brushing her hand across the material of one of the hats resting on the table. There were tuques in various colours and materials, the three ball caps that Mariana had mentioned, and an assortment of hats similar to the one still perched on Jesus' head. She didn't know why but she suddenly had the urge to cry – she was just overwhelmed by her family doing something so nice for her.

Lena walked up beside Callie, gently wrapping her arm around her daughter's shoulder and whispering softly, "We'll take you to pick out a wig this week if you want but we just thought it would be nice for you to have some other options."

"I…I don't know if I want a wig," Callie mumbled quietly still staring at the assortment of hats on the table. She hadn't really thought about it too much before but her first thought was that maybe she didn't want a wig. She would have to think about it some more.

Lena squeezed Callie's shoulder, "Whatever you want, sweetheart."

Callie moved her hand, touching another one of the hats on the table, her fingers brushing gently along the soft material. "This is…" she almost said too much but instead she whispered, "…perfect."

A soft smile came to Lena's face at Callie's words and she rubbed her daughter's shoulder gently.

Callie glanced around at her entire family then, smiling as she told them, "Thank you."


	7. Chapter 6: Russian Roulette

A/N: Thanks again for the feedback. Hearing what you like about/that you like this fic, definitely motivates me to keep going! :) With this chapter done, we are now at the halfway point of the story (at least as far as number of chapters goes). It's a bit shorter than the last one but it covers something that I think is pretty important to Callie's journey. I hope it doesn't disappoint...let me know what you think...

_**Chapter 6: Russian Roulette**_

In the days that followed her trip to the Museum of Photographic Art with Wyatt, Callie found hair _everywhere_. She'd wake up and her pillow would be covered, she'd pull whatever hat she'd selected for the day off of her head and inside she would find a mess of dark hair, and, even though either Lena or Stef were vacuuming daily, she would frequently spot hair clinging along the baseboards in the hallway or stuck in the edges of the steps.

She was surprised to find that her head ached constantly, like she'd left her hair tied in a tight ponytail too long, but that wasn't the _most _surprising thing about losing her hair. The truth was, she was surprised each time she looked in the mirror and found that she still even had any hair left – for the moment she still had enough stragglers hanging on that, with a hat on, someone might not know that something was amiss. What surprised her most about losing her hair though was that it didn't really bother her, not the way she'd thought it would anyway. In the weeks leading up to her first chemo treatment she'd worried incessantly about losing her hair – logically she knew that what everyone was telling her was true, that it was just hair and that it would grow back, but she had still been horrified at the prospect. Now though, it just felt like one more thing she had to get through to get better – one thing among a sea of many. Now, there were so many_ other_ things to worry about.

xxxxxx

Although a week delayed, Callie's second chemo treatment, the last in her first cycle, went off without a hitch.

Along with this second treatment, also came her first experience with the growth factor shot, Neulasta. A nurse came to the house the Friday after chemo to show Callie, Stef and Lena how it should be given. Actually getting the shot hardly hurt at all but when Callie woke up Saturday morning she was pretty sure she must have forgotten getting hit by a bus. Every bone in her body ached. She wouldn't have said a word about the aching but Lena caught her getting up off the couch like she was ninety not sixteen and pried the truth out of her. The warm bubble bath Lena drew for her after that helped but it was days before the aching finally subsided.

Despite the added side effects associated with the growth factor shot, Callie actually thought that the second treatment went better than the first. As promised, her oncologist prescribed her extra anti-nausea medication and, although she was still nauseous, she didn't end up curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor – she figured that was probably as much as she could hope for.

xxxxxx

Conversely, from the beginning, the first treatment of Callie's second chemo cycle did not go smoothly.

The morning of that treatment she started, as usual, in the cancer center lab, where it took two tries to get blood to leave a vein in her arm and, even then, it only dribbled out, barely filling the bottom half of the collection vials – Callie had never realized how little blood they actually needed to perform their tests.

It didn't get much better once she'd been sent off the chemo suite, where they had an equally difficult time starting an IV.

She should have known it was a sign of things to come.

xxxxxx

The Friday after that treatment, Callie stayed home from school and Stef stayed with her.

They were both sitting at the table. Stef was reading the paper, or at least pretending to, while Callie just sat staring at the packaging of the Neulasta shot she'd taken out of the fridge to warm up.

Every few minutes, Stef peered over the top of her paper at Callie but her daughter's eyes only ever left the package holding the growth factor shot to glance nervously in the direction of the clock.

After fifteen minutes Callie mumbled quietly, "I think it's been long enough."

Stef carefully folded her paper and set it down on the table, checking the clock to confirm that Callie was right, before saying slowly, "Yes, it has."

Callie didn't say anything else – she just pushed her chair back from the table and walked over to the sink to wash her hands. When she came back to the table, she reached for the alcohol swab she'd taken out earlier. She tore the foil package open, slowly lifting her shirt up and swabbing at a place on her stomach. After that she reached for the Neulasta package, her hand shaking as she peeled the seal back.

Watching Callie's hand shake, Stef stood and moved closer. "I could do it," she offered gently, even though what she really wanted to do was insist not offer. Stef might not like needles but she knew she could do _this _for Callie – she knew that her daughter, however, was too stubborn to accept the help.

"No," Callie shook her head vehemently, "I'm doing it." She might not want to give herself a needle but she _really_ didn't want Stef to have to do it for her. She pulled the needle out of the package, steadied her shaking hands as best as she could and turned the needle point so that it was angled towards the spot she'd swabbed on her stomach. She took a breath, then another, and then finally worked up the nerve to push the needle into her skin – she was surprised at how much force it actually took to insert the needle into her stomach. She took a couple more calming breaths before she slowly pressed down on the plunger, the liquid stinging as it left the syringe.

When Callie finally pulled the needle out, Stef let out the breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. "Give it here sweets," she murmured gently, taking the empty syringe from Callie's hand and walking it over to the sharps container that the nurse had left behind for them last week. Once the needle had been safely disposed of she walked back to Callie, wrapping her arm around the girl's shoulder and squeezing gently, "You did good love. Better than I would have." Callie really never ceased to amaze her – even though she wished the girl was better at accepting help.

Callie just shrugged, ducking her head. _It wasn't as if she'd had a choice_.

xxxxxx

A few hours later, Stef came to check on Callie, who had taken up residence in the living room. Stopping in front of the couch, Stef smiled gently at Callie. "It's lunch time. Do you want pancakes?"

Callie looked up at Stef and shook her head, no.

Stef tried again, "How about macaroni and cheese?"

Another head shake.

"Grilled cheese?" Stef offered instead and when Callie shook her head a third time she sighed, "Callie, you have to eat _something_."

Callie growled at Stef much louder than she intended, "I _know_." She might have apologized if she weren't so frustrated, instead she continued, " I don't _feel_ like anything. Ever. I _hate_ food. Yesterday at dinner, ketchup was too spicy, it burned my mouth. In a few days everything will be so bland that I'll barely be able to taste it. And don't even ask me about liquids. Every time I take a sip of water all I can taste is whatever must have died in my mouth and left its stupid funk behind." As the last frustrated words left her mouth, her eyes widened, appalled at her outburst. She never yelled at Stef or Lena. She never let her emotions spill out this way. She wanted to take all of her words back, to shove them all back into her mouth. She wanted, no she _needed_, to flee before Stef could react or say anything to her. Callie stood up, intent on doing just that. Unfortunately all she managed to do was sway unsteadily as her vision went black.

"Sit down now," Stef ordered forcefully as she watched Callie sway dangerously, taking two steps closer to the couch, prepared to grab Callie's elbow to keep her upright if she didn't listen.

Callie did listen though, sinking slowly back onto the couch and dropping her head into her hands, waiting for her vision to return, the black spots slowly fading away.

When Stef was positive Callie wasn't going to pass out she told her daughter to, "Stay," waiting for Callie's nod confirming that she'd heard her before she walked quickly out of the room.

Callie waited nervously for Stef to return, wondering where she had gone and what she was going to say when she came back. She wanted to curl up in a ball and pretend that she hadn't just said all of those things to Stef_. _

Stef was only gone a few minutes, she came back into the living room with a piece of paper and a pen in her hand. She dropped down onto the couch beside Callie, setting the supplies onto the coffee table. "Callie…" she started slowly.

"I'm sorry," Callie interrupted, biting her lip as she fixed her eyes on the ground.

"Don't be," Stef hummed gently, reaching up and running her hand across the top of the soft green tuque Callie had pulled over her head that morning. "You're allowed to be upset and frustrated, you know. You don't have to keep everything inside all of the time."

"But…" Callie mumbled, still chewing on her lip. She didn't know where she was going with her words just that she still had the overwhelming need to apologize. Despite what Stef had just said, she didn't feel good about snapping. Stef and Lena were so good to her and they deserved better from her, even if their constant need to ask her if she was okay sometimes drove her crazy.

"But nothing," Stef shook her head, her words firm. "I know mama and I have been…a little… overprotective lately," Stef chose her words carefully, "I'm sorry if we've…if I've…been making you uncomfortable. It's just that we…" _we're scared_ were the words that popped into Stef's head but she pushed them away, "…we just want to help you, love. We can't really if you won't less us in. I don't know what you need." Stef reached over and tapped lightly on the side of Callie's head with her index finger, "I want to know what's going on in that pretty little head of yours. Despite what I tell your brothers and sister, I can't _actually_ read minds."

"I…" Callie sighed. It wasn't that easy. Callie didn't even know how to express the things she was feeling. When they asked how she was and she said fine, she wasn't being stubborn, she was just trying to protect them. They took such good care of her, she figured she owed them that much. She'd seen the way they looked sadly at her when they didn't think she was paying attention. They didn't need to know the truth. Knowing how bad she really felt was only going to upset them further and it wasn't like there was anything they could do about it. There was nothing they could do about how terrible her mouth felt, or how nauseous she got, or the way every bone in her body ached the days after she took her Neulasta shot, or the way that, on the worst days, she was exhausted but restless, or the way the drugs sometimes made her feel so uneasy that she thought she was going to crawl right out of her skin.

Stef could practically see the wheels in Callie's head turning. "It's okay, you don't have to say anything right now," she soothed, as she leaned over and wrapped her arm around the girl's shoulders, pulling her into a hug. "Just think about it. Yes? Mama and I love you so much and we're right here, ready to help, whenever you are ready to let us." She rubbed Callie's shoulder, adding lightly, "and maybe even when you're not."

Callie nodded nearly imperceptibly, snuggling in closer to Stef and dropping her head onto her shoulder. They sat like that for several minutes in silence, relaxed. Eventually Callie's eyes drifted to the paper and pen that Stef had set down earlier on the coffee table, "What's the paper for?"

Stef smiled gently, rubbing Callie's shoulder as she explained, "That's so you can make me two lists of things you absolutely don't want to eat. One for when everything is too spicy and one for when everything is too bland."

"Why?" Callie asked curiously, not moving her head from Stef's shoulder.

"So that you never have to be asked what you feel like eating again," Stef explained. "This way, all you have to tell us is too spicy or too bland and we'll know what _not _to make you."

"Oh…" Callie said, the surprise evident in her voice "…that's…" it was actually a brilliant idea. Callie was stunned, "…thanks."

"I'd do anything to make your life even a little bit easier, love. Anything," Stef murmured. She hoped that someday Callie would _really_ understand that. She hoped someday her daughter wouldn't be surprised every time they did something for her.

xxxxxxx

Later that night Stef and Lena were in their room, Stef checking her email on the laptop and Lena reading a baby book, when there was a knock on the door.

"Come in Callie," Stef called.

The door swung open and Callie stepped into the room, her eyes wide and surprised. "How did you know it was me?" She asked curiously.

"It's my superpower," Stef winked over at Lena and Lena laughed. The truth was she'd heard Callie's footsteps in the hallway, plus, the girl had hesitated to knock, which had been a dead giveaway.

Callie didn't really understand what was so funny, or how Stef had _actually_ known it was her, but she just shrugged looking down at the ground.

"What's up sweetheart?" Lena asked gently, her eyes now sweeping Callie up and down, trying to discern if there was something physically wrong. Callie was in pajamas and she'd taken off the tuque she'd been wearing earlier – the sight of the ever thinning hair on Callie's head, the clear indication of how unwell she was, still sent a shot of pain through Lena's heart. There didn't appear to be anything blatantly wrong, so Lena waited for what Callie would say.

Callie brushed at her nose, her eyes lifting to meet Lena's. "I…uh…I was just wondering if you could get…" her eyes shot over towards Stef, reminding herself of the conversation they'd had earlier that day, reminder herself that they _wanted_ to help. "Umm…the toothpaste we have hurts my mouth," she admitted quietly, biting her lip.

Stef couldn't help the way her eyes widened in surprise. She might have spoken to Callie earlier that day about how much Lena and she wanted to help but she hadn't been too optimistic about the prospect of Callie actually opening up. Sure this was just a simple request for different toothpaste but it was the first material thing Stef could remember Callie asking for. It felt like a big step.

The corners of Lena's mouth twitched as she tried to suppress a grin at the request – she was equally as surprised and delighted as Stef. "Okay. We'll get you some different kinds to try, sweetheart. There must be something out there that won't bother your mouth quite as much," she offered easily.

Callie smiled slowly at her, "Thanks."

Lena returned the smile, "Is there anything else we can get you? Something else that would help?"

Callie shrugged, tilting her head and biting her lip again as she seemed to contemplate the question. Her eyes drifted between Stef and Lena as she finally decided to say, "Well…the brush we have really hurts my head."

"We can definitely find something better," Lena told her quickly in response. "Anything else?" she asked eagerly.

This time Callie shook her head, reaching up and rubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand.

Stef noticed the action and smiled gently at the girl, "You going to bed love?"

Callie nodded, shuffling closer to Lena's side of the bed, leaning down and hugging the woman, "Goodnight."

Stef shared a look with Lena over the top of Callie's head – it always surprised her when Callie was the one to initiate physical contact because she did it so rarely. She wiped the surprise look from her face as Callie pulled back from Lena and moved over to Stef's side of the bed, repeating the action with the blonde woman.

"Goodnight," Stef murmured, her hand brushing gently against the back of Callie's head.

After that, Callie left the room. Stef waited until she was certain that her daughter was far enough down the hallway that she wouldn't hear before she grinned over at her wife, "Oh my goodness."

"Did she really just ask us for something?" Lena grinned back.

Stef grinned widely at Lena a moment longer before asking, "Do you think maybe we should be less happy that our daughter basically just told us that her mouth and head hurt?" Despite her question, she couldn't wipe the grin from her face.

"Probably," Lena nodded but, like Stef, she was still smiling. "I just…she's never asked us for anything before, Stef!" She squealed.

Stef laughed, "I know."

"I kind of want to go out and get that stuff right now," Lena admitted.

Stef laughed again, "I think you can probably wait till morning."

Lena laughed too.

xxxxxxx

Early the next morning Lena went out shopping. She came back with ten different varieties of toothpaste and a soft brush and comb set that she found in the baby section of the store.

When Stef raised her eyebrow at her wife, suggesting that maybe she'd gone a bit overboard with the toothpaste, Lena just shrugged. She'd buy a hundred different varieties of toothpaste if that's what it took to find one that didn't bother Callie's mouth. It was the first material thing her daughter had ever asked her for and she wasn't about to screw it up.

xxxxxx

Although Callie asking them for something unprompted, even something as simple as different toothpaste and a softer brush, was indeed a big step, four nights later, Stef realized that they still had lots of steps to take.

It was 3am when their bedroom door swung open and Mariana came barging in. Stef was a light sleeper and the she shot up instantly mumbling a groggy, "Huh?" As she pried her sleepy eyes open, squinting in the direction of the door.

Lena was slower to wake but Stef's jerky movement from beside her brought her out of her deep sleep. She didn't actually move though until she heard Mariana speak.

"Something's wrong with Callie," Mariana mumbled.

Stef was out of bed in an instant, Lena two steps behind her as they followed Mariana who padded down the hallway back to her room.

Stef stepped into the girl's room, surprised to find Callie's bed empty. Her heart instantly hammered harder in her chest, "Is the something that she's _missing_?"

"No," Mariana shook her head, "She went downstairs a few minutes ago. I don't know what's wrong but she's been groaning and tossing and turning all night. She didn't want me to go get you but…you should check on her," Mariana's sleepy voice conveyed concern. She yawned and rubbed at her eyes, "I'm going back to sleep."

Stef smiled gently at Mariana, grabbing her arm as she started to walk towards her bed, pulling her close so that she could plant a kiss on the side of her head, "Thanks, love. Getting us was the right thing to do."

Mariana just shrugged, mumbling, "Ya, sure," as she walked back to her bed and climbed in. She pretended like she was going back to sleep but the truth was she wouldn't actually sleep until Callie was back in the bed across from her. She just didn't wanted to go downstairs. She didn't want to see Callie's face when she realized that Mariana had ratted her out.

Stef and Lena quickly made their way downstairs, checking the kitchen first and, not finding Callie there, heading towards the living room. Callie was curled up on the couch, the soft glow from the TV illuminating the room.

"Callie?" Stef called gently as they walked into the room.

Callie sat up, startled as Lena and Stef came into the room, "I'm sorry…did I wake you up?"

The volume of the TV was barely on and Stef shook her head, "No."

Callie frowned but before she could ask why they'd come downstairs, Lena was speaking, "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

Callie's frown deepened as she shrugged, "I couldn't sleep."

Stef raised a disbelieving eyebrow at her – Callie had been sleeping nearly twelve hours a night since she'd started chemo. "_Really_?" She surveyed her daughter, taking in the way she cradled her left arm to her chest, the pinched expression on her face, and the way her foot was tapping in a continuous motion. _Something was wrong._

Callie shrugged again. It wasn't really a lie. She _couldn't_ sleep. She'd just withheld the reason _why _she couldn't sleep.

Lena moved to sit beside Callie on the couch. "Callie, please tell us what is wrong." She noticed all of the same indicators as Stef that something was clearly not right.

Callie tapped her foot more rapidly. She sighed, caving under the two intense gazes directed her way. "My arm hurts."

"Let me see," Lena hummed, reaching for Callie's arm.

Callie hesitantly withdrew her arm from her chest, letting Lena pull it towards her. Her arm was throbbing. The pain was pulsing up and down from the crook of her elbow into the palm of her hand. It wasn't excruciating but it was annoying enough that it was keeping her awake and keeping her from focusing on much else but the pain. Tapping her foot helped to detract from the pain, but not enough.

"Could you please turn the light on Stef?" Lena asked, realizing that the soft glow from the TV really wasn't enough light to examine Callie's arm.

Stef moved quickly, flipping on the switching before walking closer to Lena and Callie, hovering as Lena checked Callie's arm.

"I don't know," Lena finally gave up. "I don't see anything."

Stef rocked on the balls of her feet nervously, "Should we call the emergency number?"

"No!" Callie declared firmly in response.

"Sweetheart…" Lena started slowly, "if you're in pain, it might be a good idea to call the number. Maybe we should be taking you to the emergency room."

Callie sighed, pulling her arm away from Lena and cradling it against her chest once more. "The emergency number is for _emergencies_. I don't have a fever."

Lena moved to place her hand on Callie's forehead but the girl shrugged away from her.

"I already checked with the thermometer," Callie offered as explanation.

Although a part of Stef wanted to insist that she check again, she pushed that urge away. "Fever isn't the only reason to call the emergency number sweets."

Callie shook her head stubbornly, "I'm fine."

"You are not fine," Stef eyed her skeptically.

Callie sighed, her eyes pleading, "Please. I don't want to call the number. I _really_ don't think this counts as an emergency." She didn't relish the idea of waking whichever doctor was on call tonight for a problem that she was pretty sure was nothing.

Stef sighed too, sharing a look with Lena, trying to figure out what to do.

Lena would prefer to call the emergency number but she supposed that Callie wasn't exactly wrong – if she didn't have a fever it could probably wait until morning. It was hard to consider her daughter being in pain as anything other than an emergency but she finally she said, "Okay, how about, as long as it doesn't get any worse, we can wait until morning and call the office then." She looked up at her wife, hoping Stef would agree that this was the right decision.

Stef sighed again but she nodded, agreeing with Lena, "Okay, but only if you come up and sleep with mama, Callie." She wanted to make sure that someone was keeping an eye on Callie for the rest of the night, just in case, and she wasn't about to kick her pregnant wife out of her own bed.

Callie blinked up at Stef, "Where are you going to sleep?"

"Your bed," Stef explained easily.

xxxxxx

Fifteen minutes later, Stef climbed the stairs with the heating pad she'd warmed up in the microwave. She walked into her bedroom where her wife and daughter had already climbed under the covers.

Stef approached her daughter and placed the heating pad gently on her arm. "I'm sorry I can't give you any painkillers," she murmured – they'd been instructed not to give Callie Tylenol because it might mask a fever, something that was critically to detect right away. "Hopefully the heat will help."

"Thanks," Callie mumbled, pushing the heating pad down tighter on her forearm.

Stef leaned down and kissed Callie's forehead. She couldn't help but whisper softly, "You should have woken us up." The words weren't chastising, just tinted with sadness. She wanted so badly for Callie to ask for help, for Callie to stop feeling like she had to shoulder the entire burden all of the time.

Callie looked down at the blankets, mumbling nearly imperceptibly, "I didn't want to bother you."

"Oh Callie," Lena sighed sadly from beside her daughter, reaching over and grabbing her right hand and squeezing it. "You could never bother us."

"Never," Stef agreed, kissing Callie's head once more before straightening. She patted Callie's leg and offered lightly, "Don't let mama put her cold feet on you, okay?"

"Hey…" Lena protested.

Stef just grinned cheekily, winking at Callie before declaring, "Goodnight my loves," turning off the light and walking out of the room.

xxxxxx

When her mother instead of her sister climbed into Callie's bed, Mariana blinked confused, squinting across the room, "Mom?"

"Looks like you've got a new roommate Miss Thing," Stef told her youngest daughter as she pulled the covers up over her shoulders and rolled over in the twin bed.

Mariana was silent for a minute before she asked quietly, "Mom. Is Callie okay?"

"Her arm is just sore, she's okay," Stef hummed softly. She wasn't a hundred percent sure it was the truth but she wasn't going to tell Mariana anything different.

xxxxxx

Callie did marginally better beside Lena than she had in her own bed but she didn't get all that much sleep.

In the morning, she reluctantly admitted that her arm was still just as sore and, so, once all of her siblings had been shuffled out of the door on their way to school, Lena called her oncologist's office.

Callie wasn't exactly surprised when they insisted that she come in to have her arm checked, but she would have preferred to not have to go to the cancer center. Especially when the first thing they did when she got there was send her down for blood work.

Afterwards, she waited nervously in a chair in an exam room, flanked by Stef and Lena who had both insisted on coming to the appointment. She was glad when Dr. Lawson finally came into the room, offering them an easy smile as he shook their hands.

The first thing Dr. Lawson did, after shaking their hands, was tell them that Callie's blood work was normal – no sign of infection. The next thing he did was check her arm, asking her if the sore arm was the one she'd gotten her last chemo treatment in, which it was. He spent a lot of time pushing on different parts of her arm and he even took out a tape measure to check the circumference in comparison to her other arm, before finally deciding that it wasn't swollen.

He made a note in her chart as he explained, "I don't see anything wrong."

Callie shrugged looking down at her feet, which were dangling over the side of the exam table.

Lena was the one to ask, "What is causing the pain then?"

Dr. Lawson set his pen down and turned towards Lena, "Sometimes chemo can leak out of the vein and cause irritation around the access site but usually the pain would occur within a few days of treatment not an entire week later. The other thing that could cause pain is a blood clot but there aren't any signs that that's the problem." He ran his hand through his hair, "Truthfully, sometimes with chemo, strange symptoms just occur for no apparent reason. Chemo is kind of like…Russian Roulette. You never know what you're going to get," He smiled gently over at Callie and was glad when she returned his smile with a small one of her own.

"So what do we do about the pain?" Stef asked, still concerned.

"Well, I'm going to prescribe a painkiller that Callie can take," he looked over at Stef before directing his next words at Callie, "It's Codeine. Sort of like Tylenol 3 but easier on the stomach and it won't mask a fever. I'm also going to send you right now to go have an ultrasound done on your arm. Like I said, it doesn't look like a blood clot, but it's better to be safe and get conclusive proof that it isn't. As long as the ultrasound is fine, you can just go home and get some rest and, of course, if it gets worse, give us a call."

Callie nodded slowly.

xxxxxx

Much to everyone's relief, the ultrasound did come back normal. There was no blood clot.

Stef was pretty sure she was going to have a heart attack if this was the kind of thing they had in store for them after every treatment. Even though Callie's oncologist hadn't seemed concerned, Stef had barely breathed until the ultrasound technician had given them the green light to go home.

Callie, on the other hand, hadn't been concerned about the ultrasound results. She trusted her oncologist's opinion. Plus, she was too busy thinking about what her oncologist had said about chemo being like Russian Roulette.

_If chemo was like Russian Roulette, did that mean there was a way to win? Would she ever get that lucky?_


	8. Chapter 7: This World of Grey

A/N: So...this chapter was kind of hard to write. I feel incredibly nervous about it. It, once again, includes some tedious medical discussions that I felt were necessary for the progression of the story. The hardest part about this chapter though was trying to figure out how to appropriately convey thoughts/emotions. I'm not sure how successful it's turned out. I really hope it comes across the right way. Oh and, just so you know, I had to make an assumption about what time of year it was...I'm not sure that my assumption is exactly consistent with the timeline in the show but hopefully it's not _too_ far off. Anyway...enough rambling now...

xxxxxx

_**Chapter 7: This World of Grey**_

After days spent mostly asleep, drowsy from the pain killers, Callie's arm pain finally subsided three days before she was set to get her next chemo treatment and two days before her first appointment with the radiation oncologist.

The day of the appointment with the radiation oncologist both Stef and Lena came with Callie to the cancer center – they knew that this appointment would be important in making decisions about Callie's treatment and neither was willing to miss it. Besides, it wasn't a chemo day, so none of Callie's usual protests about the crowded chemo suite applied.

At the cancer center, before being led back into an exam room in the radiation wing, Callie was weighed, the same way she was weighed every time she had an appointment in the hematology wing. Her weight had been checked more times in the last two months than it probably had in the last six years. Callie ducked her head as she stepped off of the scale, avoiding Lena's sad eyes and pretending she didn't see the frown on Stef's face. She'd dropped five more pounds since the last time she'd been here, under a week ago.

After Callie was weighed, they followed the nurse into the exam room, a room that looked nearly identical to the exam rooms in the hematology wing. She took a seat between Stef and Lena. The pair always somehow managed to herd her into the middle seat without her even realizing what they were doing. Not that she really minded. It was nice to feel their support from either side of her.

They'd only been waiting a few minutes when the radiation oncologist stepped into the room. He seemed to be just as young as Dr. Lawson and it made Callie think that maybe she should re-evaluate the way she pictured doctors in her head.

"Hello," the tall man greeted, "I'm Dr. Sullivan."

"Hi," Callie nodded but she didn't bother to introduce herself. _Why should she bother giving him her name when he was holding a, now rather thick looking, file with her name emblazoned on the side?_

"Nice to meet you," Lena offered the doctor a smile, "I'm Lena and that's my wife Stef," She pointed in Stef's general direction. "We're Callie's moms," she said as she dropped her hand gently onto Callie's shoulder, squeezing once before pulling it away.

"Nice to meet you too," Dr. Sullivan smiled back as he pulled up a stool. His eyes settled on Callie as he asked, "So, did Dr. Lawson explain to you the purpose of today's appointment?"

Callie shrugged. Obviously she was here to discuss the possibility of getting radiation but she didn't really know much else than that.

Dr. Sullivan, undeterred by her wordless response, explained, "Well I'm a radiation oncologist…which basically just means that I get to play with laser beams for a living."

Callie blinked startled by his response. _He was joking with her? _She _definitely_ had to re-evaluate the way she pictured doctors in her head. She glanced over at Lena wondering what her reaction to this doctor would be.

"Well that sounds pretty cool, huh?" Lena smiled gently at Callie, glad when the startled expression on the girl's face was replaced with a smile.

Callie glanced back at Dr. Sullivan with the smile still on her face, "Sure. Lasers. Like a superpower." _Forget radiation oncologist, she was just going to think of him as radiation man from now on._

Dr. Sullivan smiled too, a twinkle in his eye as he revealed, "I also get to dabble as a tattoo artist. Although, I apologize, I don't do roses. I've really only mastered black dots."

Callie's eyes widened as she glanced at Stef this time.

"Tattoos?" Stef asked, quirking an eyebrow.

Having accomplished his goal of breaking the ice, Dr. Sullivan got more serious as he explained, "If we do decide to do radiation we will need to give Callie a handful of tattoos, just small black dots, that we will use to make sure we get the laser aligned perfectly each time. I like to pre-warn about the tattoos when moms are involved."

"So…should I just pack my bags now?" Callie couldn't help but laugh at the slightly horrified expression on Stef's face.

"Pack your bags?" Stef asked confused.

"You know, because of your strict, not while you're living under my roof, tattoo ban," Callie joked.

Lena laughed then too, "Don't worry sweetheart, I won't let her kick you out."

Stef shook her head, narrowing her eyes at her wife and daughter, although she couldn't maintain the serious expression for long. It was wonderful to see Callie, who had been pretty sullen the last few months, joking and laughing, even if it was at her expense. She was suddenly extremely grateful to this doctor she'd just met who had taken what might otherwise be an overwhelming appointment and managed to plant that smile on her daughter's face. "I think I could probably make an exception just this once, sweets. But it better not give your brothers and sister any bright ideas."

Callie laughed again as she turned her head back towards Dr. Sullivan.

"Well…now that that's settled," Dr. Sullivan smiled amused at the family. "I think we should rewind a bit. I do want to give you some general information about radiation and what treatment would entail if we go that route but really today I mostly want to discuss your options."

Lena crossed her leg over her knee and folded her hands in her lap, leaning forward as she offered, "Dr. Lawson seemed to think that it might be a good idea to avoid radiation if possible." She was curious to hear what Dr. Sullivan's opinion would be.

Dr. Sullivan nodded, "The concern with radiation, especially with young adults, are the potential late effects. In Callie's case, we're dealing with mediastinul disease, so the radiation field would have to include her chest. In some cases, radiation to this area can lead to breast cancer or heart disease farther down the road."

_Wait. The treatment for her cancer could give her cancer?_ Callie stared blankly at the doctor.

Stef had read as much during her internet searches when Callie had first been diagnosed but she still asked, "Why would we choose to do radiation then?"

"We have to determine if the benefit of radiation, which is a reduction in relapse rate, outweighs the risk of potential late effects." Seeing the confusion on Callie's face, Dr. Sullivan reworded, "If we think you're at a higher risk for relapse, then we'll suggest you do radiation. The risk would be worth it to reduce the possibility of relapse."

Callie still felt confused and she mumbled, "How will you know?"

Dr. Sullivan nodded, expecting the question. "So here's how it usually works," he said as he pulled a blank sheet of paper out of Callie's file and a pen out of his pocket. He uncapped the pen and started drawing a flow chart, showing it to all three of them as he explained, "You'll be getting another PET scan and another CT scan after your next treatment. If you're PET scan comes back positive, or in other words still shows evidence of disease, then without question we will be adding radiation," He tapped on the branch of the flow chart where he'd written _PET positive_ before moving over to the other branch he'd drawn. "If you're PET scan comes back negative though, then we're going to turn and look at your CT scan results." He pointed to the chart again, showing them the extra branches he'd drawn under _PET negative_, as he continued, "Normal lymph nodes should be less than 1cm. With Hodgkin's, we expect that there will be some scar tissue, so we aren't exactly looking for your nodes to return to 1cm but we do want to see them less than 2cm. If they are less than 2cm than I think we can safely not do radiation and just have you finish with the planned 4 cycles of chemo. If they're bigger than 2cm though, then you'll have two choices. Either add radiation or do an extra two cycles of chemo."

Callie stared at the piece of paper he was holding out to them, trying to grasp everything he was saying. _Why was this so confusing? Shouldn't it be simple? Shouldn't it just be – you're sick, this is how we fix you? Why did every single thing in her life have to be so freaking complicated all of the time?_

Lena could see the hint of frustration starting to appear in Callie's otherwise blank expression and she reached for the girl's hand, squeezing it tightly. "So what you're saying is that a decision can't be made until we have the scan results?"

Dr. Sullivan nodded, "That's correct."

xxxxxx

That night at dinner, Callie pushed mashed potatoes, corn, and chicken around her plate, taking small bites, as she listened to her siblings babble on about their school day.

"So on the way home from school we were telling Jude about that summer we rented a cottage and how much fun we had," Brandon was saying between bites of dinner.

"Oh ya," Stef smiled remembering the trip Brandon was talking about. It was their second summer with the twins and it had been a crazy trip, complete with a meltdown or two, a trip to the ER, stitches, and lots of laughter and love – despite of, or maybe because of, the foibles that occurred she always looked back on that trip fondly. She glanced over at Jude winking at him as she said, "Did Jesus tell you that he ate a worm during that trip?"

Jude scrunched up his nose. "Really?" He shot the question in Jesus' direction.

Jesus just shrugged, grinning sloppily, "Brandon dared me."

Brandon's unbothered shrug mimicked Jesus' – he'd been a ten year old boy, he wasn't going to make any apologies.

Mariana snorted, rolling her eyes at her brothers as Callie's lip twitched upwards in a smile.

Jesus drummed his fork against his plate, stopping when Lena shot a simple raised eyebrow in his direction. "So…can we go on a trip like that this summer?"

Stef was surprised by the question, not having seen it coming when Brandon brought up the past trip. "Umm…" she started.

Mariana jumped in, interrupting anything Stef might have said, "We were just thinking it would be a good idea because…you know, it's Jude and Callie's first summer with us and…" she shrugged, trailing off but her eyes lingered in Callie's direction and it was clear what she was thinking. It had been a rough year, and a really rough few months, they all could use a vacation, but Callie, especially, deserved one.

Stef glanced at Lena, trying to figure out what to say, "Well…mama's going to be pretty pregnant by summer…" Summer vacation was still a little over two months away and by then Lena would only have two months left until her due date, "…and…" her eyes drifted in Callie's direction but, like Mariana, she didn't finish the thought. Technically, if everything went their way, in a little over two months Callie could be done with chemo.

"And _nothing_," Mariana scoffed as if her mother was being ridiculous. "Mama can lie around at a cottage just as easily as she can lie around here. Maybe even better. It's not like the baby will be born yet."

"Mariana isn't wrong Stef," Lena hummed as she looked at Stef, "A vacation might be nice."

Stef nodded slowly, the soft smile on Lena's face hard to resist. They would have to talk about it later alone but maybe they could make it work. She glanced around the table then, not surprised to find hopeful faces smiling back at her. She could already feel herself caving – that was until her eyes drifted in Callie's direction. She was surprised to find that her eldest daughter was staring intently at her plate as if she was trying to burn a hole through it.

Before Stef could say anything, Callie glanced up and asked, "May I be excused? I'm done eating."

Stef wanted to protest. Callie had only eaten half of her meal and usually no one left the table until everyone was done but Callie was already pushing her chair back and Stef couldn't manage to form the words to ask her to stay.

Callie brought her plate to the sink before slipping out of the kitchen and heading up the stairs while Stef watched confused.

Stef quirked an inquisitive eyebrow in Lena's direction, wondering if her wife thought something was up as well. The look on Lena's faced confirmed that her wife was just as concerned.

Lena leaned in towards Stef and placed her hand on her forearm as she whispered, "I'll go check on her". She waited for her wife's nod of agreement before pushing her chair back and heading in search of Callie.

xxxxxx

Lena found Callie in her bedroom. She was lying flat on her back, her hands folded over her stomach and her eyes trained on the ceiling.

"Sweetheart?" Lena asked softly, approaching the bed slowly and sitting down on the edge, "Are you okay?"

Callie just continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing.

"Callie?" Lena tried again, reaching over and running her thumb along the back of Callie's folded hands as she asked, "Are you feeling sick?"

"No," Callie mumbled quietly, her eyes finally drifting away from the ceiling and over towards Lena.

Lena watched Callie carefully for several minutes before she guessed, "Were you upset by the vacation conversation? Do you not want to go on vacation?"

Callie sighed, pulling herself into a seated position and drawing her knees to her chest, making more room for Lena on the bed. "It's not that…"

Lena moved further onto the bed, taking up the space Callie had made for her, sitting cross-legged across from her daughter, her hand settling on the now clearly visible baby bump. "Then what's wrong? Please tell me," Lena pleaded softly.

"I just…" Callie bit her lip as she tried to figure out how to explain what she was feeling properly. "Summer is so far away…." Her words were quiet, wistful.

Lena's brow creased as she tried to decipher Callie's cryptic words.

Callie rubbed her nose with the back of her hand. "I can't…I can't think that far ahead."

_What did she mean?_ _Why couldn't Callie think that far ahead?_ Lena blinked rapidly, her heart rate increasing as she instantly wished that Stef were here. A horrified thought suddenly crossed her mind. _What if Callie was worried about dying? _They'd never discussed that particular topic with her– maybe because their own fears scared them too much.

Callie drew her legs closer to her chest, resting her head on her knee. Thinking about where she would be and what she would be doing two months from now was too much. One, maybe two, days into the future was her limit. If she tried to think any further ahead than that all she could picture were the test results looming after her next chemo treatment and that made her heart beat in a strange rhythm. _How could they make plans for the summer when she didn't even know if she'd be done chemo then? _She wanted nothing more than to believe that she would just need the four months of chemo and that would be it, that by summer she _could _go on vacation. But she couldn't make her brain work that way. It wasn't that she thought treatment wasn't going to work, or that she was worried about dying, because she wasn't, not really. The truth was she tried not to think about those possibilities at all. But not thinking about them meant that she couldn't think about the future. Especially not now, before she knew what those interim scan results would say. Before she knew for sure what her complete treatment plan would be.

"Callie," Lena spoke softly, reaching forward and running her hand over the top of Callie's head, tucking thin strands of hair behind her ear but then quickly pulling her hand back, worried that the once soothing gesture would bother Callie now. "We don't have to plan a vacation right now. Your brothers and sister will understand. But…sweetheart, if you're worried about something, if you're scared, I wish you would tell me. I hate thinking about you worrying with nobody to talk to."

Callie watched Lena, her brown eyes swimming in emotions that she didn't have any clue how to vocalize. "I'm not scared," she mumbled.

_Not scared or not willing to admit you're scared?_ Lena wondered but she didn't say anything, she just waited, hoping Callie would fill the silence.

"I'm _not_," Callie re-iterated somewhat defensively, sensing that maybe Lena didn't really believe her. "It's just…what if you book a trip and then we can't go…because I'm still getting chemo. What if…four months isn't enough?" _What if, what if, what if._ If she didn't stop herself, _what if_, would be the only thing she ever thought about.

"Oh sweetheart," Lena hummed, immediately reaching forward and wrapping her arms around Callie, pulling her as close to herself as she could with Callie's knees still drawn to her chest. She rubbed Callie's back as she tried to figure out the right thing to say. As Callie's arms slowly un-snaked from around her knees and she leaned into the hug, wrapping her arms around Lena, her hands clinging to her back, Lena realized that maybe she didn't have to figure out the right thing to say, that maybe this, maybe comfort, was exactly the thing that Callie needed.

xxxxxx

Callie's next chemo treatment went smoothly enough. There was no arm pain this time. Sure the nausea, sore mouth, exhaustion, and bone pain were just as bad as always but at least now she was prepared for them. The truth was she was starting to feel like a professional cancer patient.

A week after her chemo treatment she went for the scheduled CT and PET scans. The tests themselves were uneventful, except for the realization that the mystery drink tasted much worse when you were nauseous.

After the scans were complete, all that was left to do was wait for the results. As badly as she wanted, no needed, to know those scan results, she spent a lot of time in that next week actively trying _not_ to think about them. The truth was that she didn't really want to think about the actual results until she was sitting in an exam room at the cancer center at her next chemo appointment and her oncologist was standing in front of her, report in hand, seconds away from giving her the verdict. She knew that thinking about the results would drive her crazy if she let it, and she didn't need crazy right now.

Sure, she knew what she wanted those scans to say – not hoping for the best would just be silly – but, the thing was, whatever was going to happen was going to happen. Yes, she knew that the news wasn't going to be terrible because she already had visual proof that treatment was working, but it was still a matter of figuring out _how_ well it was working. Unfortunately, over the last two months she'd come to realize that she didn't get to control outcomes. _Fighting _cancer was turning out to be less of a fight and more just about showing up. She got to show up, sit in a chair, and let them pump chemicals that she knew were going to make her feel terrible into her veins, and that was where her role in the whole thing really ended. Her body became a battle field but science and drugs were doing all of the real work. All she really got to be was a spectator.

xxxxxx

After what felt like an eternity, it was finally time for Callie's next chemo treatment. It was Stef's turn to take Callie to chemo, so Lena had very reluctantly headed to work that morning, where all she would really do was wait by the phone for Stef to call and tell her about the results.

Callie fidgeted nervously beside Stef in the exam room while they waited for her oncologist to come in, her leg bouncing up and down and her heart hammering loudly in her chest.

Stef was just as nervous as Callie but she tried not to show it, instead reaching for Callie's hand, squeezing it tightly in her own before bring it up to her lips and kissing it.

Moments later, Dr. Lawson came into the room, offering them a smile and his customary handshake, before rolling a chair closer and sitting down across from them.

With Dr. Lawson now sitting across from her, the rate that Callie was bouncing her leg at increased rapidly until Stef reached over and placed her hand on her knee, stilling the motion.

"So you went for your PET and CT scan last week," Dr. Lawson offered, more as a statement than as a question before continuing, "I've had a look at the scans and the PET scan showed normal levels of uptake in the areas that previously had increased activity."

_Normal levels._ Stef's heart skipped a beat and she could feel it starting to soar. _That was good news._

"The CT scan results were…a little trickier," Dr. Lawson continued and, just like that, Stef's soaring heart started to sink.

Dr. Lawson looked Callie in the eye as he explained, "All of your nodes have shrunk by about two thirds, which is good news. However, some of them are still bigger than two centimeters."

Callie sat unblinking and barely breathing. _Was she supposed to consider this good news or bad news?_ Her mind raced as she tried to figure out what to think.

Stef was the one to speak, remembering their conversation with the radiation oncologist two weeks ago, "So that means that she can't stop after four cycles of chemo?"

"Well…it's sort of a grey area," Dr. Lawson explained apologetically.

Callie continued to stare ahead blankly. _A grey area – what did that even mean?_ Grey sounded so boring but there was absolutely nothing boring about what was happening right now. She would give anything for boring.

Dr. Lawson continued steadily, "Just because the PET scan didn't pick up any cancer cells, it doesn't necessarily mean that there are no stray cancer cells left in the still swollen lymph nodes. Now, the two more cycles that we already had planned might be plenty to mop up any stray cells that exist but the problem is that we just don't know that for sure. The study we typically use to make treatment decisions was completed before PET scans were used as a diagnostic tool. While it is possible that a negative PET scan is enough to say that Callie's had a complete response, we don't have concrete evidence to support that today. So, with nodes still bigger than 2cm, that means that I have to consider this a partial response. And with a partial response, you're right, I would usually recommend more treatment."

_More treatment. _Callie knew she should really be focusing on the good news, that the PET scan had been negative, that her nodes had all shrunk, but those two words, _more treatment_, were the only ones running through her head, like a broken soundtrack. She didn't want more treatment. She wanted to be done with cancer.

Stef watched Callie carefully as she suppressed the urge to curse. _Why couldn't they have just gotten a complete response? Didn't her sweet Callie deserve that much? _It wasn't that she wasn't grateful to hear that the PET scan was negative – she didn't know what she would have done if it had been positive – but that didn't stop her from wishing that they weren't sitting in, as Dr. Lawson had referred to it, a grey area. "And more treatment is either more chemo or radiation?" Stef asked, once again repeating what Dr. Sullivan had told them.

Dr. Lawson nodded slowly, "Yes we will either bump up to six cycles of chemo or add radiation."

"How do you decide?" Stef asked.

"Well…" Dr. Lawson glanced between Stef and Callie, "…usually we go with whatever the patient prefers to do."

_The patient_. _That was her_. Callie's breath caught and her eyes widened, making the blank look on her face appear much more horrified than it had moments ago. People had been making decisions on her behalf for years – she'd been shuffled between foster home after foster home without being so much as asked what she wanted, without once being asked what she thought was best for her or Jude. She'd hated it. But now with someone sitting in front of her, offering her the possibility of making such an important decision, she was terrified. _Was he kidding?_ _She hadn't even finished high school yet, how could she possibly be qualified to make medical decisions? Wasn't that what doctors were supposed to be for? Why did a decision have to be made at all? Why had no one warned her that cancer wasn't black and white? Was there not just a right decision? _It made no sense. Her thoughts continued to race wildly as she glanced over at Stef. Her eyes were desperate and pleading for help, "M-mom," she whimpered the word, so distraught about the possibility that Dr. Lawson would make her decide that she didn't even really process that she'd said mom instead of Stef.

Stef's heart broke as Callie looked up at her with terrified eyes. She didn't even feel momentary happiness when Callie called her mom, the word was dripping in such terror that it just broke her heart further. She wished then that she had insisted that Lena come with them to the appointment today. She wished that they hadn't agreed that because it was also a chemo day only one of them should go. _Lena would know what to say_. Stef reached for Callie's hand, only a little surprised when the girl's fingers clutched desperately at the offered hand, squeezing it with all of her might. "It's okay," Stef whispered as soothingly as she could before she glanced over at Dr. Lawson, "We're…we're going to need some time to discuss this. I need to speak to my wife."

Dr. Lawson nodded his head rapidly, "Of course. I didn't mean that you have to make a decision now…" he looked genuinely apologetic at the misunderstanding, "I'm going to make you another appointment to talk with Dr. Sullivan about the options. We will help you figure out what the right decision is for you. I just wanted you to know that, if you have a preference, we will listen to what you want."

Callie blinked, her hand still clutching at Stef's. Slowly she nodded her head, acknowledging Dr. Lawson's words, as her heart beat started to slow. _They would help_. And when Stef had spoken she'd said _we_. Callie was not alone.

xxxxxx

An hour or so later Callie was seated in a recliner in the chemo suite being fussed over by not one, not two, but three nurses. They were having an incredibly difficult time starting an IV. They currently had her right arm wrapped tightly in a warm blanket, trying to draw her veins to the surface. When the blanket was finally pulled away, there were head shakes all around and the conclusion that this arm wasn't going to work for them today. When they moved to her left arm, Callie shook, finally explaining haltingly about the arm pain from two chemo treatments ago, the last time she'd had an IV in that arm.

"Hmm…" one of the nurses frowned, "Dr. Lawson is your doctor, right?" She waited for the nod of confirmation before continuing, "I'm going to call now and tell him that you need a PICC or a port put in. You shouldn't have to put up with this." She glanced at Callie's chart, looking back at the girl and asking, "How many treatments do you have left?" The only thing that might prevent Dr. Lawson from agreeing to having a PICC or a port put in was if Callie only had a few treatments left.

The question wasn't meant to be a difficult one but Callie froze, looking like a deer trapped in headlights as she glanced over at Stef.

Stef reached over and rubbed Callie's shoulder as she explained quietly, "We haven't quite figured that out yet."

xxxxxx

Somewhere after her first cycle of chemo Callie had developed something that a nurse explained was called anticipatory nausea. Basically, what it meant was that her brain had formed a connection between getting chemo and feeling nauseous and, so, in what seemed like the most counterproductive move Callie could think of, her body's response to being in the same room as chemo drugs was now to make her feel sick instantly.

So, unlike her first few treatments, by the time they left the cancer center she already felt terrible, her skin having taken on a chalky white colour that always terrified Stef.

Today they drove home in silence, Callie sitting with her head resting against the window with her eyes closed and Stef running over and over in her head the things that Dr. Lawson had told them.

After they'd been given Callie's scan results earlier that day, Stef had immediately called Lena to inform her of what Dr. Lawson had said. So, she wasn't really surprised when they pulled into the driveway and Lena immediately stepped out onto the porch. It was exactly like her wife to not be able to wait until they made into the house to offer their daughter comfort. It was actually one of the things she loved the most about her wife.

Callie didn't say a word as she got out of the car and Lena wrapped her arms around her. She just pressed herself closer to the woman, dropping her forehead onto Lena's shoulder and breathing in deeply. As Lena's floral scent drifted up her nose she wondered if it was possible to breathe in all of the love Lena was offering.

xxxxxx

Thursday night, the day after her chemo treatment, Stef and Lena surprised Callie with a cake at dinner.

Callie watched confused as Lena placed a sparkler in the center of the chocolate cake, lighting it and bringing it to the table, setting it down in front of her. Callie watched mesmerized as the sparkler flashed brightly in front of her, burning rapidly down the stick. It was until the brightness from the sparkler finally faded out that she glanced around at her family.

Jude was grinning widely across the table at her, the smile lighting up his face. Mariana was grinning nearly as widely as Jude and Jesus was drumming his hands against the table in a motion that seemed to be emulating applause. Brandon's smile was a little more reserved but it was still there, tugging at the edges of his mouth as he looked over at her with earnest eyes.

Stef and Lena were smiling too, although their smiles seemed vaguely different than those her siblings were sporting. It took a second for Callie to realize that it was because they were masking something akin to nervousness. _They were worried that she wouldn't take this the right way. _

"What's with the fireworks?" Callie smiled slowly, easily. It was hard not to smile when her entire family looked so eager and happy.

"That's a sparkler, not fireworks, silly," Jesus grinned at her, "They wouldn't let us have _real_ fireworks," he moaned, as if deeply upset that there had been no actual fireworks involved.

"It's real difficult to be you, huh, Jesus?" Stef laughed at her son.

Jesus shrugged, "I'm just saying. Fireworks would have been _awesome_."

Everyone else laughed.

When the group settled down, Stef finally offered an actual answer to Callie's question. "We thought that your negative PET scan deserved _some _celebration," She moved over to Callie's chair, standing beside the seated girl and wrapping her arm around her shoulder, kissing the side of her head.

Lena added to what Stef had just said, "We know that you still have a long haul ahead of you and it's hard to think about anything else but that. But still, we just…" moisture flooded her eyes and she silently cursed the baby hormones, "We just wanted you to know how happy it makes us that you PET scan was negative. How happy we are to know that you _are_ getting better."

Callie blinked slowly. They were right, she _did_ still have a long haul ahead of her, especially now knowing that she was going to need more treatment. But they were also right that the PET scan was worth celebrating. Regardless of what was ahead of her, it _was_ good news. Plus, anything that could put that million dollar smile on her little brother's face was always _good_ in her books. She smiled in Lena's direction, "Thanks…the cake was a great idea."

Lena moved closer, standing on the other side of Callie's chair and draping her arm around Callie's shoulders as well, her arm brushing up against Stef's. "We love you so much sweetheart."

"So, so, much," Stef hummed in agreement, extracting her arm so that she could give Callie a proper hug – well as proper of a hug as she could give with Callie seated and with Lena's arm still draped across her shoulders.

Watching his mothers wrap their arms around Callie, Jesus declared exuberantly, "Group hug!" Jumping up and adding his arms to the mix.

Mariana, Jude, and Brandon quickly followed suite.

When they finally untangled themselves, Jesus', "Are we going to eat this cake now or what?" sent the group into a fit of laughter.

It was definitely still going to be a long haul but Callie was starting to think that maybe there were worse things. _Like not having this wonderful family to rely on._

xxxxxx

The one good thing about chemo was that spending the weekend huddled under three blankets on the couch, with the warmest tuque she owned pulled tightly down on her head, half asleep, with her body aching, left little room for thoughts about her scan results and the decision that had to be made regarding more chemo versus radiation looming in the near future.

By the time Callie was finally starting to feel better later into the next week, it was already time for the appointment that had been set up with radiation man.

Both Stef and Lena came with her. It was decision day and neither was about to miss such a critical moment.

Dr. Sullivan came into the room bearing gifts – well not gifts exactly, but Callie stared fascinated at the papers he handed her. They were printouts of her pre-treatment scans and her recent scans.

Dr. Sullivan pointed out what the pictures were showing – it turned out that the large lumpy thing in the middle was, in fact, not a tumour, but her heart. He showed her the swollen lymph nodes in her chest on the pre-treatment scan – they formed a nearly perfectly circular ball that was larger than she'd pictured it. The interim scan picture, on the other hand, was peculiar, or at least not what she was expecting. When Dr. Lawson had told her that the lymph nodes had shrunk by about two thirds, she had envisioned them shrinking uniformly – that, however was not the case at all. The previously round ball now looked like an apple core, like someone had been chewing at the sides of it. She traced it with her fingers, mesmerized and not even really sure why. It was strange to look at her cancer this way.

Once he'd finished showing Callie the pictures of her scans, which also included comparisons of the nodes in her neck and under her arm, Dr. Sullivan got down to the real business at hand. "So, Dr. Lawson told you that we have to decide whether to add to more cycles of chemo or do radiation?"

Callie nodded yes.

"Okay," Dr. Sullivan folded his hands in his lap, "How do you feel about adding more chemo?"

Callie shrugged. She'd talked about it with Stef and Lena before they'd come here today and the truth was she didn't know what to think. She was terrified of making the wrong decision.

"A lot of times with our elderly patients, they chose to add radiation because they just simply can't handle two more months of chemo. But you're young and strong," Dr. Sullivan started.

_Young and strong_. Callie suppressed the urge to laugh – she didn't feel strong at all and, as far as her age went, well, she didn't really need to be reminded that she was young. The other people in the chemo suite, who were all at least three or four times her age, were always looking at her with sympathetic eyes. She knew that they thought there was nothing worse than having cancer at her age – they said as much to Stef or Lena when Callie left the room, asking if she was going to be okay, and humming that she was too young to have cancer. The truth was, though, she couldn't imagine anything worse than having cancer at _their_ age. She was sixteen and chemo made her feel like she was eighty. She couldn't imagine what they must be feeling – they always looked so frail to her.

Dr. Sullivan watched Callie carefully as he continued, "Given your age, especially considering the risk of possible late effects from the radiation that we discussed before, I think that the six cycles of chemo would be the best route to go. You'll get another set of scans at the end of treatment and we can always add radiation then if we really think we have to."

Callie blinked. _Had he just made the decision for her?_ She had a strange urge to jump up and hug him. Dr. Lawson had terrified her with the possibility that she would be forced to make this important decision but with Dr. Sullivan's words she suddenly felt the weight being taken out of her hands.

"What do you think?" Dr. Sullivan asked her.

"I…" Callie glanced first at Stef and then at Lena, wondering what they thought she should do. Lena reached for her hand, squeezing it gently and nodding her head ever so subtly. It was exactly the encouragement Callie needed to turn her head back towards the doctor. "Okay," she mumbled quietly.

"Okay," Dr. Sullivan repeated her word back to her, offering her the gentlest of smiles.

"Okay," Callie nodded her head, her voice sounding firmer this time.

_Okay_. Just like that she had four more months of chemo ahead of her.


	9. Chapter 8: How (not) to be a Robot

A/N: I don't think I could ever possibly thank you enough for your reviews. Each and every one of you make me smile and motivate me to keep writing. You really are the best. :)

xxxxxx

_**Chapter 8: How (not) to be a Robot**_

With the decision made to add two additional cycles of chemo, Callie's oncologist scheduled an appointment for her to have a port put in. Her veins had been falling apart for weeks now and there was no doubt that they just wouldn't hold up to the seven more treatments that she had ahead of her.

They rushed to get her in so that she would have time to heal before her next chemo treatment. So, two days after the decision was made that she would get six instead of four cycles of chemo, Callie found herself in the day surgery unit at the local hospital. The procedure itself was relatively simple. Callie had been nervous when they'd first told her that she would have to be awake while the port was being inserted but the medication they gave her to relax her made her feel like she was floating on a cloud and the nervousness quickly dissipated.

During the surgery, where she was lying on a narrow bed so that an x-ray machine could be used to guide the insertion, she tried to listen while the doctor talked to her but it was hard to focus through the floating feeling. The surgeon had explained earlier to her and Lena what he would be doing and she tried to run through that conversation in her head now. The power-port, a device that was slightly larger than a quarter in diameter, would be placed under her collarbone on the right side. A tube would extend from the device and connect into a vein in her neck. The whole thing would be concealed under her skin. He'd said it was the Cadillac of interventional devices. She wasn't really sure what that meant but it sounded like a good thing. He'd shown them the actual port – it was purple and she reminded herself to mention that to Jude, she knew he would think _that_ was cool. Not that anyone would actually be able to tell that it was purple, mind you. The surgeon had said that all she would really see was a slight bump under her skin where the device actually was and that, if she looked carefully enough, she might see the tube snaking up towards her neck as well, but that someone who didn't know it was there probably wouldn't notice it at all. He'd also warned her that she might set off metal detectors since technically the port contained metal. Callie had made Lena laugh when she'd decided, "I'm going to be a robot."

When the surgeon finally declared with a pat to her arm that he was done, the floating feeling was just starting to fade. She watched the ceiling fly by the entire time she was being wheeled back towards the recovery room.

Within seconds of the stretcher being locked into place in one of the recovery room cubicles, Lena was pulling a chair up beside Callie, leaning down and kissing her forehead. "Hi sweetheart," she murmured, "How do you feel?"

"Mmm…" Callie smiled, "fine." The freezing they had used hadn't started to wear off yet and so, although she felt a bit stiff, there was no pain.

Lena smiled gently, running her hand across Callie's head before reaching into her purse and pulling out her phone to text Stef a quick message. "Mom made me promise to let her know the second you were done," she explained as she dropped her phone back into her purse.

Callie snorted, "Of course."

Lena smiled. _As if anyone expected anything less from Stef._

The nurse came by to check Callie's blood pressure then and to offer her some juice. Callie let Lena help her into a seated position, sipping slowly on the apple juice and not saying much. She still felt kind of out of it.

When the nurse had brought her the apple juice she'd left the curtain open and Callie's eyes followed the bustling movement of nurses and stretchers past her in the hallway. They were currently wheeling a little boy who looked no more than six into the cubicle next to her. She wasn't sure exactly why he was here but his lack of hair narrowed it down a bit. Maybe he was getting a port too, or maybe something different. Whatever it was, it was probably cancer related and that thought made her feel terrible. She couldn't imagine having cancer and being _that_ young. She couldn't imagine not really understanding what was going on. It didn't seem fair at all. The boy was crying and as they wheeled him into the cubicle next to her, she heard him whimper the word _mommy_. She shuddered, a vision of Jude, wide eyed and terrified in their first foster home coming to mind out of nowhere.

Lena noticed the boy being wheeled past as well but she had to look away, the sight making her heart ache. So, her eyes were on Callie when the shudder rolled down the girls shoulders and through her entire body. Lena instantly reached for Callie's hand and squeezed it tightly in her own. "Okay?" She asked softly.

Callie swallowed thickly, wanting to say that, no, she wasn't okay, but instead tilting her head and asking quietly, "Can we go home yet?' She wanted to be as far away from this poor little boy as possible. She hated the link her brain had made between that little boy and Jude. She wanted it to go away. She couldn't handle even thinking about the possibility of Jude _ever_ being sick. The thought made her stomach twist in terrible knots. She wondered if this was how Stef and Lena felt about _her_.

Lena watched Callie carefully, there were hints that she might be upset but, in typical Callie fashion, she'd fixed her face so that it was nearly motionless. Callie acted so strong, but listening to the little boy's cries next to them, Lena couldn't help but wonder if, somewhere inside, _that_ was what her daughter was actually feeling. If somewhere inside there might be a weeping child that Callie refused, or didn't know how, to let out. Lena tried to shake those thoughts away. With another squeeze of Callie's hand, she nodded, answering her daughter's question, "I'll go find out."

xxxxxx

When Stef came home from work later that afternoon, she found Callie sound asleep on the couch. One of her arms had fallen out from the throw blanket she had draped over herself and Stef paused to pull it back into place. She couldn't bring herself to move away afterwards, standing there and watching the rise and fall of Callie's chest, unable to take her eyes away from her sleeping child. Callie looked so fragile lying there, paler than she ought to be, her closed eyelids making it much clearer that half of her eyelashes were missing, some of her last remaining strands of thin hair covering the side of her face, and a white bandage, that Stef presumed must be covering the port incision site, peeking out from under her shirt and crawling up her neck.

Although Stef could have stood there forever, eventually she leaned down and kissed the top of Callie's head and walked away in search of her wife. She checked the kitchen first but found it empty, so she headed for the stairs to check their room.

Lena was sitting on their bed, she had a baby book open in her lap but she didn't really seem to be reading it. It wasn't until she slowly raised her head to look at Stef that it became clear that she was crying – or at least that she had been crying very recently.

Stef sucked in a breath at Lena's red eyes. Her initial instinct would be to assume that something was wrong with Callie but she'd just seen for herself that the girl was fine. She quickly moved over towards the bed and climbed up beside Lena, reaching over and placing he hand on her wife's forearm, "Love, what's wrong?"

Fresh tears flooded Lena's eyes as she breathed out, "Nothing…everything."

"Well clearly it's not _nothing_," Stef smiled ruefully, "And I'm not sure I can solve _everything_. But I can try."

Lena reached for Stef's hand running her thumb along the back of it before pulling it closer, placing it so that it was resting over her belly, watching Stef carefully, waiting for her reaction.

Stef blinked puzzled as Lena tugged on her hand but as sensed the fleeting movement under the palm of her hand, her eyes lit up in delight. "Is that…"

"That's your baby," Lena smiled softly at Stef.

"_Our_ baby," Stef murmured, a silly grin starting to form on her face, her eyes focused on Lena's swollen belly.

"Yes _ours_," Lena hummed in agreement, tears still glistening in her eyes a sweet smile on her face.

Leaving her one hand on Lena's stomach, slowly Stef tilted her eyes back to her wife's face, placing her free hand on her cheek, brushing at a stray tear as she asked, "Are these happy tears, then?"

Lena leaned into the hand that Stef placed on her check, watching her wife carefully as she nodded her head ever so slowly, "Yes…and no."

Stef ran her hand soothingly across Lena's cheek a moment before pulling it back and brushing at her hair. She tilted her head curiously, asking Lena to elaborate without saying a word.

Lena covered the hand that Stef still had on her belly with the palm of her own, as she started to explain, "Callie and I were watching a movie after we got home from the hospital. She fell asleep and I just couldn't take my eyes off of her…you know…"

Stef did know – she'd been doing the same thing fifteen minutes ago.

Lena continued, "…and then the baby started moving, really moving…" she'd felt some movement before today but this movement was different, it was the kind of movement that _other_ people would feel too. "…and it was wonderful and spectacular and amazing. I already love our baby so much Stef…"

"Me too, love, me too," Stef murmured softly, letting Lena know that she was right there, listening intently.

"And I just started thinking… I wish I knew Callie _this_ long," Lena motioned with her head towards her stomach, towards where their hands were resting, to the still moving baby, "From the second that I would have been able to feel her moving under my fingertips…that's how long I wish I knew her. All those minutes, all those hours, those days, those years that she wasn't ours, that I didn't know her…I want them, Stef. She's been alive sixteen, almost seventeen, years and all we've gotten is barely one. It's not long enough." The tears were threatening to leak out of the corner of Lena's eyes again.

Lena's words felt like they were tearing holes in Stef's heart. Somehow she managed to form words, her voice steady as she spoke, "Sixteen missing years seems like a lot now love…but it's not really. What will sixteen years be when she's forty? Fifty? Just a small fraction of her life."

Lena realized that, whether that was her intention or not, Stef was going to make her say it out loud, that she was going to make her acknowledge her worst fear. "But…what if she's in the thirteen percent?" They'd been told that Callie would have about a thirteen percent chance of relapse after the end of treatment. Fear that Callie would relapse after treatment wasn't Lena's real fear though. Her voice cracked as she added, barely above a whisper, "What if she's in the five percent?" Five percent of patients with Hodgkin's Lymphoma did not survive five years past diagnosis. Five percent was small. Especially when compared to the statistics associated with most other cancers. Yet, the tears spilled down Lena's cheeks.

Lena was usually the logical parent. She balanced Stef, whose reactions, in comparison, were always guttural. While Stef reached for a gun when their son was in danger, wanted to take their daughter to the ER at the first sign that something was wrong, Lena was the one who paused to think, to decide what the most appropriate response for the situation really was. But she wasn't being logical now and she knew it. A ninety five percent survival rate was excellent. But it didn't feel like enough. Against what she felt logic should tell her, she was terrified that Callie, her sweet Callie, would somehow fall in that small margin of people who did not survive. She wondered if this was what happened when you had all of those baby hormones messing with her brain. If it made logic fall out the window. Somehow she doubted it though. She wondered instead if this was what all parents with a child who had cancer felt. Like logic would never exist again. Like their world had shifted on its axis and nothing would ever feel quite the same again.

Stef would be lying if she said she hadn't wondered the same thing as Lena on nearly a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. Her thoughts were all punctuated with thoughts of Callie's cancer. Sure there were lots of happy thoughts, happy moments, in there but somewhere in the back of her brain she was always wondering, _will I get to see that smile for the rest of my life_? The truth was she'd barely slept since Callie's diagnosis. Somewhere along the line her brain had forgotten how to turn off. She worried constantly and worrying was exhausting. She was exhausted. And, now, watching her wife cry, she felt teas stinging at the back of her own eyes. Because Lena was so much stronger than she was and Stef was pretty sure that her wife didn't even realize it. Because Stef had been scared to admit how much she worried. To admit she thought about that five percent. She had been scared that whispering her fears out loud would make them real. _Were you supposed to be nothing but optimistic? Was that how it was supposed to work? Was that what the world expected from her? _She reached forward then, pulling Lena into a crushing hug, burying her head in her hair as she mumbled, nearly inaudibly, her words broken, "She can't be, she just _can't_." She didn't mean that Callie actually _couldn't _– someone _did _have to be in that five percent – just that she didn't know how they would survive if she was. It was all that she could think about sometimes but she also couldn't let her brain settle on the thought for too long. It hurt too much.

"I know the odds are good…" Lena sniffled woefully, as if she needed to explain, "…I know that I should be optimistic. I _am_ optimistic." And she was. You could be optimistic _and_ terrified. They weren't mutually exclusive.

"Lena, love, stop, please…" Stef pulled back so that she could catch her wife's eyes. She needed Lena to know that she wasn't alone in her fears. "Callie _can't _be in that five percent…" she emphasized the _can't_, hoping Lena would really hear what she meant this time, "…but the possibility _terrifies _me. Makes me _sick_. Constantly."

Lena sighed softly, air leaving her lungs. "Do you think it gets better? The fear."

Stef considered the question carefully before she decided, "Well, I hope it doesn't get _worse_."

Lena shook her head at her wife, her lips pursing into the faintest of smirks, "No, let's hope not."

Stef smiled gently at Lena in return, shuffling her body so that she was lying beside her, her head dropping to rest on Lena's chest, listening to the steady beat of her heart. After several minutes she asked, "Do you think she's _this_ scared too?"

Lena's breath caught in her throat, the question catching her off guard. It was a horrifying thought. Callie had enough to deal with without adding crippling fear to the mix. When she finally spoke, her words were soft, thoughtful, "I don't know…she always seems so…stoic."

"Stoic," Stef repeated the word, mulling it over and deciding she agreed, "Ya, that's our Callie." Sometimes Callie did seem bothered – like the way she had grasped desperately at Stef's hands the day her interim scan results had been revealed – but, even then, she had little to say and she _never _complained about anything. "Sometimes I really wish I could just read her mind. Even for a second," Stef mused.

"If only it were that easy," Lena hummed in agreement.

"I know," Stef added lazily, moving one of her hands so that it was resting over the baby bump again. The gentle movement under her hand and Lena's heartbeat still thumping steadily in her ear were soothing and she felt her eyes slowly flutter shut.

They staid like that until the rest of their children came home from school.

xxxxxx

Callie's new port was used at her next chemo treatment and she decided that Cadillac definitely meant _good_.

They accessed the port with a hooked needle that stung like a bee. She didn't mind the pain though because it only lasted an instant. It was actually a relief because there was only _one _needle stick. It was even more of a relief when she watched blood came out at more than dribble. She was a bit surprised to find that she could taste the saline and the heparin that they flushed the port with, and that they tasted _terrible_, but the nurse assured her that if she brought some hard candies to suck on next time she wouldn't notice the taste.

Aside from the easy access to her veins, maybe the best part about having the port though was that it left both of her arms were free and, so, the chemo pump, which usually freaked out and started beeping every time she bent the arm with the IV, remained mercifully silent the entire three hours she was getting chemo.

All in all, it was the most successful chemo treatment she'd had yet. At least as far as actually _getting _chemo went.

xxxxxx

The Thursday of the week following Callie's latest chemo treatment, Lena was talking to Sanchez in her office when Timothy barged in. He looked slightly flustered, like he'd been moving quickly, but his voice was steady as he said, "Sorry to interrupt but could you please come check on Callie, Lena? She fell asleep at her desk and I wasn't sure if I should wake her."

Lena could feel Principal Sanchez's eyes on her and she turned her head to look at the woman.

"Lena…" Principal Sanchez started, her lips pursed.

Lena wasn't about to let this woman say a single negative thing about her daughter and so she interrupted, fixing her with her most protective mama glare, "She's _sick _Karina."

Principal Sanchez held up her hands in defense, her eyes brimming in sympathy, as she shook her head, indicating that Lena had misconstrued her intentions. "Lena, if Callie wants to come here every day and do _nothing_ but sleep, that's fine by me. If being here makes her feel even a little bit better, than by all means she should be here. But…lately…I just wonder if being here really is doing her any good."

Lena tried to hide her surprise at Karina's words. She would have defended Callie's right to be here with everything she had but it was nice to know that she wouldn't have to. That being said, Karina's point about whether or not it was good for Callie to be here wasn't completely baseless. Lena had wondered the same thing herself countless times. When Callie had first started chemo she'd made it through most school days relatively unscathed but lately there were more and more days where she didn't even attempt to argue when they suggested she should stay home and even on the days she did come to school she seemed a lot more listless than she had months ago. Sometimes she would drag her feet to the car at the end of the day as if picking them up required too much energy. Yet, still, anytime Dr. Lawson asked increduously if she was still going to school, Callie always answered, 'not enough'. The truth was, Lena wasn't really sure what the best thing to do was. She sighed. "Thanks Karina…I uhh…" she glanced towards the door.

Principal Sanchez just waved her hand, "Go, Lena. Check on Callie."

Lena nodded, following Timothy out of the room and down the hall towards his classroom.

They stopped at the entrance to the classroom and Lena peered in through the door. It was lunchtime, so the classroom was basically empty. Wyatt, however, hadn't left with his classmates. The boy was perched on a desk, legs dangling over the edge, his gaze fixed intently on Callie, as if looking away might make her disappear.

Callie's head was down on her desk, her face completely buried in her forearms. Her breathing was heavy and shallow, the clear indication that she really was sleeping, not just resting her head.

Lena walked slowly into the room, approaching Wyatt and whispering, "Thanks for waiting with her."

"Of course," Wyatt shrugged one shoulder, as he hopped off the desk. He picked up his backpack up and shrugged it over one of his shoulders as if preparing to exit but then he stopped, his eyes lingering back in Callie's direction.

"I've got this," Lena murmured, sensing his hesitation to leave. "I'm going to take her home but I'll tell her to call you later, okay?" She smiled gently at the boy.

Wyatt nodded slowly, "okay." With one last look in Callie's direction he headed out of the room, Timothy leaving with him.

Alone now, Lena approached the desk that Callie was sitting at. "Callie, sweetheart," she whispered, laying her hand on Callie's back, trying to wake the girl as gently as possible.

Callie shrugged away from the touch, groaning as her eyes blinked slowly open, trying to figure out what was going on. It took a half a second for her to realize where she was and when she did she startled, jerking upright, making an unintelligible noise.

"Sshh…" Lena soothed, "It's okay. You fell asleep."

Callie frowned, rubbing at her eyes and squinting in Lena's direction. "Sorry," she mumbled.

Lena rubbed her hand up and down Callie's back, smiling softly at the girl, "Don't be."

Callie smiled back, still sleepy and enjoying the comfort of Lena's hand on her back.

After a few minutes, Lena bent down and kissed the top of Callie's tuque covered head, "Let me take you home."

Callie thought about arguing but right now her brain still seemed to be stuck in that place between being sleep and being awake, making it impossible to think straight. It wasn't that she wanted to stay at school – it was that she wanted to _be able _to stay at school. She wanted to _not_ fall asleep at her desk. She was frustrated that she didn't feel better. That _everything_ was difficult now. Even just sitting at desk and listening to someone talk. She was so tired of feeling sick. She was just _so tired_, period. She wanted to argue but she was too exhausted to even try. Instead, she let Lena lead her out of the classroom, stopping to grab their stuff, before heading out into the parking lot.

Lena walked with her arm around Callie's shoulders but when they got to the car she pulled it back, digging through her purse to find the keys for the car.

Callie moved sleepily towards the passenger side of the car, dragging her feet. She pulled on the door handle, frowning when it didn't open. She tried again, starting to feel frustrated when the door still wouldn't open. She made a noise, the frustration spilling out as she pulled harder on the handle.

At the noise Lena looked up from where she was still trying to find her keys. Alarmed at the look on Callie's face and the way she was pulling confused on the door handle, she quickly rushed to explain, "Callie, the door's locked, give me a second."

Lena's words clicked and Callie stopped yanking on the door, her shoulders slumping in a sigh instead. _Of course the door was locked. _Despite understanding why she couldn't open the door now, the frustration was still bubbling in her chest and she felt the sudden urge to kick at the car – the only thing that stopped her was that that would require lifting her leg and it seemed like too much energy to expend. She could feel tears stinging at the back of her eyes, threatening to form. _What was wrong with her?_

Lena finally found her keys, unlocking the door as quickly as possible, watching Callie get the door open before she moved to get into the driver's side.

Callie snapped her seat belt into place and stared intently out the window as Lena pulled out of the parking lot. She didn't want Lena to see her face. She was still on the verge of crying and she had no clue why. _Crying because you couldn't open a locked car door was ridiculous._

Lena tried to make conversation as she drove, "Do you want to watch a movie when we get home? We'll have time before I have to go back to get the others."

Callie shrugged, not looking over at Lena.

Callie might communicate with shrugs on a fairly frequent basis but she did usually at least glance in Lena's direction. The fact that she didn't worried Lena. "Callie?" She tried. When Callie still said nothing, her head turning even further away from Lena's gaze, Lena decided to pull over. _Something was wrong._

"Please look at me Callie," Lena tried once the car was shifted into park.

Callie wanted nothing more than to continue to stare out the window but she was pretty sure that Lena wasn't about to give up. She turned her head slowly, dipping her gaze so that she wouldn't have to see the look on Lena's face when she realized that tears were swimming in Callie's eyes.

Lena was shocked to see the glossy shimmer of unshed tears, a whispered, "Oh baby," slipping past her lips as she reached forward and rubbed Callie's arm. "What's wrong sweetheart."

"Nothing," Callie hitched out, biting her lip.

"Sweetheart…" Lena hummed.

"Really, _nothing_." The volume of Callie's voice raised in frustration. She was frustrated with herself as a single tear finally spilled over, sliding down her check, "What is wrong with me!"

Lena unsnapped her seatbelt, reaching over and doing the same with Callie's before leaning across the seat and wrapping her arms around the girl, pulling her into a fierce hug, "Sshh…"

Callie pressed her face into Lena's shoulder, letting tears roll down her checks. These weren't sobs, they were big, slow, tear drops. They were months of built up frustration finally spilling over, as if it they had nowhere else to go but out. After several minutes she took a shuddering breath, "I'm sorry."

"Why?" Lena murmured, running her hand up and down Callie's back. "For being upset?"

Callie pulled back, wiping gently at her eyes with her hand. "For being upset just because I couldn't open a door." She suppressed the urge to bury her head in her hands – it sounded so ridiculous when she said it out loud.

Lena titled her head, watching Callie carefully as she said, "Sweetheart, we don't expect you to be a robot, you know. You're allowed to have feelings. You're allowed to be upset. It's healthy even."

Callie bit her lip but didn't say anything.

"I wish you would tell me what you're thinking," Lena hummed, "maybe I could help."

Callie breathed out, admitting, "I'm just tired."

"Of course you're tired," Lena nodded sympathetically. She reached for Callie's hand and ran her thumb along the back of it, "I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you. You've been so brave, so strong."

Callie shrugged, looking away. She hated anything that even sort of felt like a compliment. She didn't feel like she deserved compliments. "I'm not strong…"

Lena reached up to tilt Callie's head back in her direction, locking her eyes with Callie, "You are."

Callie didn't blink for several moments. "I don't _feel _strong. I feel…like my head is all messed up," she shook her head, adding woefully, "_Who_ cries over a locked door?"

Lena squeezed Callie's hand, asking gently, thoughtfully, "Do you really think the door not opening is the only reason you're upset?"

Callie let Lena's words sink in. No she probably wasn't _just_ upset about the door. With Lena's _we don't expect you to be a robot_ from before ringing through her head, against what her instincts would usual prevent, words tumbled out of Callie's mouth, "I guess…I guess I'm just frustrated. I don't want to fall asleep in class. I want to be strong enough to go to school and stay awake and pay attention and not feel like... like I shouldn't be there. I'm…I just…I don't want to be sick anymore. I…" Her eyes searched Lena's face, for what, she wasn't sure. Regardless, all she found there was love. Her voice hitched as her next words tumbled out barely above a whisper, "Mama…I'm _so _tired."

_Mama._ With the word ringing through her ears, Lena reached for Callie, pulling her back into the tightest hug she could offer. There were so many things she wanted to say but she started with the one that mattered most, "I love you, Callie."

Callie wasn't sure what she'd expected Lena to say but for some reason those words startled her. Of course she knew that Lena loved her – she was told as much, all of the time – but hearing it now seemed to resonate harder than usual. Maybe because she actually heard what Lena was really saying – that she could be honest about what she was feeling and that they would _still _love her. "I love you too," she managed to mumble back.

Eventually Lena pulled back, running her hand along Callie's cheek. "Sweetheart, I think it's time you, me and mom have a conversation about you stopping school until you're better. If you're still worried about not graduating on time next year, we can figure something out. Summer school when you're done with chemo. Night classes next year. Something. But I think it's time."

"But…" Callie bit her lip. She knew it was the right thing to do but it still felt hard to give in. She worried that giving up on school might mean that the cancer was winning "…isn't that giving up?"

Lena's eyes widened and she shook her head vehemently, offering strongly, "It's the opposite actually. It's being brave enough to admit that nothing about chemo or cancer is easy. It's listening to your body and focusing all of your energy on being better. Because, Callie, there is nothing more important to me or mom than you getting better." She watched Callie carefully, asking, "Okay?"

Callie blinked once, twice, a third time, and then she nodded slowly, "Okay."

"Okay," Lena smiled gently at Callie, hugging her one more time before declaring, "Let's go home."


	10. Chapter 9: Letting Go, Holding On

A/N: As always, thank you for reading and thank you for reviewing. You all really are fantastic. We're getting close to the end now and I just want you to know how much you're support of this fic has meant to me.

In general I've been trying to keep everything as realistic as possible but, warning, I might have pitched realism out the window for the last half of this chapter. I've pretty much had the last scene stuck in my head since the original story outline I came up with many moons ago, so I hope you can forgive me just this once.

xxxxxx

_**Chapter 9: Letting Go, Holding On**_

Deciding that Callie would take a hiatus from school ended up being painless. By the time Lena got Callie home they'd both already made up their minds. It was time to let go. As Lena had said, taking a break wasn't an admission of defeat it was an admission that nothing about cancer was easy and that Callie's health, her life, was the most important thing to focus on at the moment.

When they sat down with Stef later that night to figure out the details, Lena was pretty sure that her wife was going to get up and dance on the couch – Stef had been expressing her desire for Callie to stop school to Lena for months. In the end they decided that until school let out in a month, Callie could stay home by herself on what they deemed were her good days – not that any of her days were particularly excellent anymore but some were at least better than others. However, on the bad days, namely the ones immediately following chemo, no matter how hard she protested, they weren't going to let her stay home by herself.

xxxxxx

The decision that Callie would take a hiatus from school meant that she was home when Stef and Lena came back from Lena's twenty-week ultrasound one afternoon a few days later.

As soon as they got home, Stef headed to the living room to check on Callie.

Callie had been lying down watching a TV show that she was hardly paying attention to but as soon as Stef came into the room she sat up, regretting the rapid motion when she was rewarded with a wave of dizziness.

"You okay?" Stef frowned, watching Callie slam her eyes shut.

"Mmhmm…" Callie mumbled taking a few breaths and waiting for the dizziness to pass before she opened her eyes and smiled widely at Stef. "So…"

"So what?" Stef smiled back.

"Boy or a girl?" Callie asked, still grinning much wider than necessary, hoping the smile would convince Stef to tell her.

"Would you believe me if I told you we decided not to find out?" Stef shot back.

"Umm…no," Callie shook her head, clearly beyond unconvinced.

"Why not?" Stef asked.

"As if you're _that _patient," Callie raised her eyebrow sceptically at Stef.

Stef laughed. "Okay. Would you believe that we _couldn't _find out?"

Callie shook her head, "Nope. You've got a weird glow going on. You totally know."

Stef laughed again just as Lena walked into the living room.

"There's too much happiness in this room," Lena smiled at the pair as she moved to sit on the couch beside Callie, unable to resist wrapping her arm around the girl and pulling her close as she asked, "What's going on?"

"Your daughter is trying to get me to tell her if she's going to have a sister or a brother," Stef explained.

"Ahh.." Lena nodded in understanding, kissing Callie's head as she said, "Sorry sweetheart, you're going to have to wait until dinner, when we can tell everyone."

"Seriously?' Callie groaned in pretend annoyance but she was smiling as she dropped her head onto Lena's shoulder.

Stef moved to take a seat in one of the chairs near the couch, propping her feet up on the coffee table as she grinned at Callie, "_Seriously_."

xxxxxx

That night, the excitement around the dinner table was palpable.

"Just tell me already. It's a boy, right?" Jesus grinned drumming his hands on the table.

"No way. It better be a girl," Mariana declared from beside him, flipping her hair behind her shoulder and glancing over at Callie, "Otherwise we're going to be _way _too outnumbered."

Stef's brow crinkled in Mariana's direction, "How do you figure Miss Thing? If it's a boy, then there will be four boys and four girls. My math skills might not be the best but last time I checked, that's even."

Mariana eyed Stef skeptically, "Old people don't count."

Brandon, Callie, and Jesus all laughed. Jude might have laughed if he hadn't had a mouth full of food when Mariana said it.

"_Old_," Stef sputtered out, feigning indignation as she glanced over at Lena, "Can you believe that our daughter just called us old?"

"_Us_? Who are _you_ calling old now?" Lena teased her.

"Definitely not you my dear," Stef shook her head rapidly, her eyes wide, pretending to be terrified that she'd upset Lena.

"Good, I was worried there for a second," Lena laughed, winking over at Callie who had snorted from beside her.

"Are you actually going to tell us though?" Jude bounced in his seat, his eyes hopeful. "I really want to know if it's a boy or a girl."

"After that old comment, I don't know if Mariana deserves to know," Stef told him, "Or those three either," she waved at Brandon, Jesus, and Callie, adding, "I heard you laughing," in response to the innocent _who us_ looks they shot in her direction. "But, tell you what buddy, I'll tell _you_," Stef decided, getting up from her seat and walking over to Jude, whispering in his ear.

Jude's eyes widened in glee when Stef whispered in his ear. "Really?" He asked, somewhat in disbelief that she would actually tell him before she told everyone else.

"Yep," Stef grinned at him, planting a kiss on the back of his head before walking back to her own seat.

"Are you seriously not going to tell the rest of us?" Mariana raised her eyebrow at her mother.

Stef shrugged with a mischievous twinkle in her eye and Brandon groaned, not liking where this was heading one bit.

"Don't worry, Jude will tell us," Callie told Mariana before glancing over at Jude, "Right buddy?"

Jude gulped, glancing towards Stef who shook her head and held her finger to her lips.

"Mama…" Mariana looked to Lena for help now.

"I don't know Mariana," Lena said slowly, "I think you really hurt mom's feelings. She's really sensitive about her age, you know. I'm not sure I will be able to talk any sense in to her."

"That's like, totally unfair," Jesus offered in indignation between bites of his dinner.

Callie nodded her agreement, glancing in Stef's direction as she added, "_Really _unfair. I've been waiting _all _afternoon. You promised I would find out at dinner. It's not nice to lie to a cancer patient."

Stef narrowed her eyes, shaking her head in pretend annoyance at Callie, "So you've finally decided to start using that cancer card, huh?"

Callie just shrugged, smiling sweetly at her and waiting expectantly.

"Alright, alright," Stef caved with a laugh, glancing over at her youngest son and telling him, "Go ahead and tell them Jude."

"It's a boy!" Jude grinned widely, bouncing excitedly in his seat.

Jesus waited for Lena's nod of confirmation before he pumped his fist, "Yes!" He reached over and high fived Brandon.

Stef laughed at their enthusiasm before reaching over and rubbing her hand across Mariana's shoulder, "I hope you're not _too_ disappointed that it's not a girl Miss Thing."

Mariana shook her head, smiling at her mother, "Of course I'm not disappointed." And she really wasn't. It was fun to joke around with her brothers but she didn't actually care if it was a boy or a girl. The whole cliché saying was true – she really just wanted the baby to be healthy. She would have said as much but it felt wrong to comment on health when Callie was sitting across from her looking so unhealthy. She turned her smile in Lena's direction instead, asking excitedly, "So did you get new ultrasound pictures for us to see?"

Lena nodded, smiling widely and getting up to go get them.

As Lena got up from the table, Callie leaned over and nudged Jude, smiling gently when her little brother looked over at her, whispering in his ear, "I'm happy it's a boy. Baby boys are wonderful."

xxxxxx

The following Saturday morning, Callie woke up late and stumbled into the bathroom. As she brushed her teeth, she stared at her reflection in the mirror and resisted the urge to sigh. She was down to only a few eyelashes and her eyebrows weren't faring much better. Worse, the hair on top of her head seemed to look scragglier and scragglier with each passing day. She wasn't sure when but somewhere along the line she was pretty sure her hair had been replaced with Gollum's. It really wasn't a good look.

As she spit the toothpaste into the sink, she wondered, not for the first time, if she would look better if she just got rid of the last stragglers.

The truth was she'd been thinking about shaving her hair off for weeks now. She always hesitated though. There was something about deciding to get rid of her hair that made her nervous. Maybe it was because, if she shaved her hair, no hat would ever hide the truth again – not that the hats were doing a particularly great job these days anyway. Getting rid of her hair meant that she would unequivocally be saying to the world, _I am a cancer patient_. Before that had seemed like a big deal but now she wasn't so sure it was. She _was_ a cancer patient. For now that was her reality and it would remain her reality for at least a few more months.

As she continued to stare in the mirror, she reminded herself that letting go of school, that letting Lena, and then Stef, comfort her had actually felt great. She reminded herself that afterwards, her only regret had been that she hadn't done it sooner. Maybe it would be the same with her hair.

By the time she left the bathroom, she'd made up her mind.

xxxxxx

Only two of her family members were in the kitchen when she descended the stairs – Brandon and Stef. Although truthfully, given the hour, she was surprised that anyone was in there at all. Stef was reading the paper and Brandon seemed to be doing homework. It occurred to Callie that, Stef at least, was probably actually just waiting for her to get up. Stef had been trying to be more subtle with her hovering lately but she didn't really fool Callie.

Callie's suspicions seemed to be confirmed when Stef set a yogurt and a spoon in front of her as soon as she'd taken a seat at the table. Callie picked the spoon up and dipped it into the yogurt cup, staring down at it a long moment before putting it in her mouth. It wasn't her favourite food but, these days, _was anything_?

Stef brought a cup of water over that she'd mixed with a spoonful of grape Kool Aid powder and set that down in front of Callie as well before she went back to her seat. At the recommendation of one of the chemo nurses – who had given Callie a five minute lecture about the importance of staying hydrated when Callie had mentioned dizziness in passing – they'd started mixing the sugary powder into Callie's water. It seemed to make the liquid a lot more tolerable for Callie, so Stef didn't really care that it was probably going to make her teeth fall out. The only real struggle was keeping it away from Jesus, who _really _did not need the sugar.

After Callie had taken a long gulp of the grape Kool Aid, she glanced across the table at Stef. "So…umm…" she started, suddenly feeling nervous. _What if Stef thought it was a bad idea?_

Both Brandon and Stef looked up at her waiting for her to continue.

Callie reached up and ran her fingers self-consciously along her head. "I…uhh…" she took a breath and then rushed out her next words, "I want to shave the rest of my hair off."

Despite her attempt to keep her face neutral, Stef's eyes widened in surprise. She blinked slowly, swallowing before nodding, "Okay." The word came out much more hesitant than she intended, an image of Callie, completely bald, clouding her thoughts.

Callie tried to read the expression on Stef's face, deciding that the woman seemed to be in shock. Callie didn't want to do something that was going to upset everyone. She suddenly wondered if it was a terrible idea. "I…I mean…um…I don't have to…"

Stef shook her head rapidly, kicking herself for not reacting with more enthusiasm. "Cal, if that's what you want to do, I think you should go for it."

Brandon nodded from beside his mom, adding his encouragement, "Definitely."

Callie looked between them, gnawing on her lip a minute before nodding. She really _was_ tired of looking at the disaster that was her hair situation in the mirror.

"Do you want me to call about getting an appointment at the salon for today?" Stef asked.

Callie shook her head, her eyes on the table as she asked quietly, "Could…umm…could we do it here instead?" The thought of being surrounded by strangers when she let go of the rest of her hair made her feel kind of uneasy.

Brandon was the one who answered, reminding his mom, "I have clippers." He occasionally used them to shave when he was too lazy to do it with the razor.

"That's right," Stef nodded, shooting him a quick smile in thanks at the reminder before looking back at Callie. "I'll go find them. We can do it now, okay?"

Callie glanced slowly up from the table, the gentle smiling that Stef was giving her easing any lingering nerves. "Okay."

xxxxxx

Callie wasn't sure exactly how it happened but, by the time Stef found the clippers, it seemed that word had spread about her impending hairless-ness and the entire Adams Foster clan had made their way into the kitchen in, what she guessed, was supposed to be a show of support.

Jude was just getting an apple. Jesus was just double checking that he'd taken his ADHD medication. Mariana wanted some water. And no one was leaving.

When Stef finally did come back to the kitchen, with Lena in tow, the sight of all of her children sitting around the kitchen table stopped her in her tracks. "Did I forget to feed you or something?" She joked.

"No," Jude laughed before his expression got much more serious, "We just…" his eyes drifting towards Callie, not sure how he was supposed to explain what he was feeling. All he knew was that he didn't want to be anywhere else but by her side at the moment. He really hoped that they wouldn't make him leave.

Lena moved closer, running her hand along Jude's back comfortingly. She understood that her children wanted to be supportive but she wondered what Callie actually needed. She didn't know if having an audience would make this better or worse for Callie. Truthfully she didn't even know if it was the kind of thing that could be made better or worse. Maybe it wasn't a big deal at all. As Stef had told her, Callie had been the one to make the decision after all.

Stef was thinking something similar to Lena and she decided that the best thing to do was to just ask. "You okay with an audience kiddo?"

Callie shrugged easily, "Sure." She really didn't mind everyone being here. Truthfully it kind of felt nice knowing that they all cared so much. Besides, now that she'd made the decision she wasn't even really nervous anymore. In a weird way, she was almost excited, actually.

"Alright," Stef nodded, pulling a chair away from the table and closer to an outlet, patting the top of it and indicating that Callie should hop up as she plugged the clippers into the wall.

As the buzzing of the clippers filled the silence in room, Callie bit her lip and glanced around. She relaxed as the boys all grinned at her and Mariana shot her a thumbs up. When her gaze swept past Lena, however, Callie's eyes widened in surprise, shocked to find moisture in the woman's eyes.

"Don't," Callie stuttered out.

Stef's hand stopped midair, the clippers hovering precariously close to Callie's head.

"You can't cry. This isn't supposed to be sad," Callie continued, her eyes still on Lena, making it clear that she hadn't been talking to Stef. She didn't want to regret this decision and making Lena cry would definitely make her regret the decision.

"I'm sorry," Lena bit the inside of her cheek, angry at herself for the tears that she hadn't been able to control. "I'm not sad Callie, I promise. Just ignore me. It's just the baby hormones, okay?" It wasn't exactly the truth but she would never forgive herself if her own silly reaction kept Callie from doing something that she was clearly ready to do. Especially because she wasn't even actually upset that Callie was shaving her hair off – she was just overwhelmed by the moment. They'd been dealing with Callie's cancer for months but sometimes the reminders that her daughter was sick still felt like a hot poker in her stomach.

Callie didn't respond right away but eventually she smiled softly at Lena, relaxing, "Okay." She eyed everyone else in the room firmly after that, "But no one else is allowed to cry."

"Who us?" Jesus declared, his next word, "Never," being met with laughter.

Stef was suddenly beyond grateful that all of her children were here, keeping the mood light, because, truthfully she understood why her wife was on the verge of tears. She felt dangerously close herself. She loved her family so much that sometimes it hurt.

"Ready?" Stef asked quietly, waiting for Callie's nod before bringing the clippers closer to her daughter's head. She had to fight the urge to close her eyes as the first strands of hair fell to the ground.

The room was silent save for the buzzing of the clippers as Stef made quick work of shaving Callie's head. With little hair left, the task didn't take very long.

As the Stef turned the clippers off, the buzzing that had been droning in her ear faded away and Callie laughed, somewhat nervously. She glanced between her family members trying to figure out what they thought, "Well…"

Jesus was the first to speak, "You look badass."

"It looks cool," Mariana agreed.

"Yep," Brandon nodded.

"You look pretty," Jude declared.

"Here sweetheart," Lena moved closer, handing Callie a hand held mirror they'd brought downstairs with them. "See for yourself."

Callie stared into the mirror that Lena handed her for a long time before slowly she reached up and ran her hand over the top of her now bald head.

For weeks looking in the mirror at her scraggly hair had made her think about the things that cancer had taken from her but now looking in the mirror at her bald head what she was thinking about instead were the things that she hadn't let cancer take from her. About the things that cancer _couldn't_ take from her. Like the people standing in front of her waiting expectantly for her reaction.

Slowly she looked away from the mirror and at her family, her eyes sweeping between them as she smiled slowly, "I like it."

The smiles that were shot back in her direction filled her heart with a kind of love that until recently she hadn't even really known existed.

For the first time in months, she felt strong.

xxxxxx

Between the monotony of chemo and cancer and the general chaos associated with keeping track of a family of seven, soon to be eight, Callie's adoption hadn't really gotten much thought over the last several months. It was certainly still a priority for Stef and Lena but with little to do but sit around and wait for Robert Quinn to be located or for the appropriate waiting period to expire, it had naturally slid down on the list of thought about and discussed topics in their household.

For that reason, when Lena got the call from the adoption lawyer the Monday two days before the second treatment in Callie's fourth cycle of chemo, she was caught off guard. Robert Quinn had finally been located. As it turned out, he'd died in the fall of the year that Callie had turned two. It had taken so long to figure this out because he'd been living in New York, not California, at the time. It was shocking and Lena didn't relish having to tell Callie that her biological father was dead but a small, guilty, part of her was secretly glad. She was glad that there would be no fight. That the person who theoretically might have tried to take Callie away from her did not actually exist. She was glad that there would be no doubt now, at least as far as the adoption went. Her daughter would stay exactly where she belonged. With them.

Callie took the news better than Lena expected. She hardly blinked when Stef and Lena told her that Robert Quinn had died many years ago. She just nodded slowly, thinking a moment before tilting her head and asking quietly, her words hopeful, "Does this mean I can be adopted now?"

The ensuing crushing mama sandwich was so strong that Callie grumbled that she was probably going to have bruises. She couldn't seem to stop smiling though.

It was Callie's hopeful smile that Lena was thinking of when the adoption lawyer called back the following day to set up a court appointment to finalize the adoption. The first date he proposed was a chemo day, the next date was close enough to a chemo day that Lena knew that Callie would struggle through the court proceedings, and so on and so forth. Lena was beyond frustrated by the time they hung up the phone. The date they'd found that would work was two months away.

She was still upset when the adoption lawyer called back fifteen minutes later. It turned out the court had a cancellation for that afternoon. He'd pulled some strings, explained their situation and, if they wanted, the slot could be theirs. The only problem was that it was in an hour.

Lena had no clue how they were going to make an hour from now work but she didn't care. Maybe she should have said that she needed to check with her wife. Maybe she should have said that she needed to check with her daughter. But she didn't say either. All she said was, "We'll be there."

The truth was she didn't want to wait another second for Callie to officially be her daughter. Maybe it was because Callie's cancer had definitely taught her one thing, to treat every second like it mattered. Or maybe it was just that this, Callie's adoption, to her, well it mattered more than most things.

xxxxxx

Lena used up the first fifteen minutes of the hour on the phone with first Stef and then Callie. She spent the next five minutes quickly explaining to Principal Sanchez that she was leaving for the day and then the next ten finding and talking to Brandon. Ideally she would have liked to bring all of her children with her to the courthouse but as the minutes quickly slipped away and she realized that there was no way she could manage to wrangle them all up from their respective classes and still make it to the courthouse on time she gave up on that idea. She settled instead for pulling Brandon out of class long enough to explain to him where she was going and that he was in charge of making sure his siblings waited here at the end of the day. They would be back to pick them all up so that they could go out to dinner to celebrate.

Brandon smiled easily at her, "Got it. Now go. And don't come back until Callie is my sister. Officially."

xxxxxx

After getting the call from Lena, Stef hurried home to change and pick Callie up.

Callie was sitting in the living room, already dressed and ready to go, when the front door flung open and she watched Stef fly by up the stairs without even a glance in her direction.

Stef got changed out of her police uniform in record time, taking the stairs two at time on the way back down and skidding to halt in front of Callie. She paused long enough to lean down and kiss the top of Callie's head before she grabbed her hands and helped to ease her off the couch, chanting, "Let's go, let's go, let's go."

Callie laughed at Stef's eagerness, letting herself be practically dragged to the car.

xxxxxx

Stef and Lena pulled into the parking lot at the courthouse at nearly the same time.

By the time Callie climbed out of the passenger side of Stef's vehicle – a task that she hated to admit, even to herself, was a lot harder than it had been four months ago – Lena was standing in front of her, Stef beside her.

"Hi sweetheart," Lena smiled gently at Callie in greeting, reaching forward and grabbing one of Callie's hands, squeezing it tightly in her own.

"Hi mama," Callie murmured back, the word rolling off of her tongue as if came naturally to her, as if it hadn't taken her nearly an entire year to be able to say it, as if her heart didn't still skip a beat every time she used it.

Lena smiled wider, swinging Callie's hand as her eyes swept the girl up and down, "You look pretty."

Callie fingered the edge of the dress with her free hand, shrugging and ducking her head embarrassed by the compliment. It was actually the same dress she'd worn on Jude's adoption day. She knew it was probably silly, especially since she looked absolutely nothing like the girl she'd been that day, but she'd put the dress on, on purpose. She wanted the connection to Jude's day.

"She looks beautiful," Stef amended for Lena, not able to stop herself from planting a lingering kiss on the side of Callie's head, laughing as the girl eventually squirmed away from her.

Lena checked her watch, they only had a few minutes left before their appointment, "We should probably go in."

"Right," Stef nodded in agreement, her eyes drifting towards Callie, "Ready baby?"

Callie looked between Stef and Lena before she nodded her head slowly. _She was ready. So ready. _

xxxxxx

There was some waiting, then some paperwork, then what Callie would later describe as ridiculously over enthusiastic hugging, then the obligatory photo, and then they were walking out of the courtroom the same way they'd walked in, arms linked, Callie tucked between Lena and Stef, exactly where she belonged.

It certainly wasn't as grandiose as the adoption day they'd originally planned for Callie, the day that had become just Jude's, or as elaborate as the twins' adoption day either for that matter, but, given the permanent smile that had been plastered on Callie's face since she'd signed that piece of paper, Stef decided that it didn't really matter. What was important was that her daughter was officially hers now. She felt giddy at the thought and she couldn't help but grin at Lena over the top of Callie's bald head. _Her daughter_. It felt like the kind of thing she should be allowed to shout from a rooftop.

Lena grinned back at Stef, feeling equally as giddy, as she squeezed Callie's arm.

Callie kept smiling as they snaked their way through the halls of the courthouse. If someone had told her a year ago that she was going to be adopted, she probably would have rolled her eyes and said that they were dreaming. If someone had told her that Jude wouldn't be in her adoption day photo, she probably would have thrown something at them. And if someone had told her that in her adoption day photo she would have no hair, she probably would have just laughed at the ridiculousness of that statement. A year ago, she never could have imagined that she would even get an adoption day. But here she was now and she didn't care that it had all happened in a rush. She didn't care that it was just her and Stef and Lena here. It was perfect. Because tomorrow when she went to the cancer center for her latest stint as a legitimate cancer patient getting toxic chemicals pumped through her veins, she would get to march up to the check in counter and tell them that her name had changed. _Callie Adams Foster_. These people were hers now, officially. Forever. For however long her forever would be. And that was all that mattered.

As they turned the last corner to make their way to the exit, Stef stopped dead in her tracks, forcing Callie and Lena to stop as well.

Before either could protest, it became clear what had made Stef stop.

The smile on Callie's face was replaced with shock as she took in the site before her.

Standing in a row near the entrance were Brandon, Jesus, Mariana, and Jude. They were each holding a crudely made sign – torn out sheets of lined paper from someone's spiral bound notebook that had been drawn on with a highlighter. The writing was barely legible but slowly each of the words that they were holding sunk in.

We

Love

Our

Sister

The smile slowly returned to Callie's face, replacing the surprise at finding her siblings here when they were supposed to still be at school, with a grin that was wider than the one that had been there before.

Watching the grin creep across his sister's face, Jesus decided that it was time to quit just standing there. He pitched his sheet of paper to the ground and sprinted towards Callie, wrapping his arms around her, squeezing tightly, as he lifted her off the ground and spun her around in a circle.

Stef's whispered, "Careful," was drowned out by Callie's gleeful laugh, the sound bouncing off the walls in the open entranceway.

By the time Jesus finally set her back down, keeping his hand on her forearm to keep her steady, Brandon, Mariana, and Jude – the later having stopped to pick up Jesus' littered sheet of paper – were at Callie's side as well.

Amidst the excited grins, hugs, and muddled explanations, _we couldn't wait, dad dropped us off, we were too excited, this is so awesome, _Callie stilled, her eyes drifting over each of her family members as her heart swelled. She wanted to hold on to this moment and never let go.

These people were officially her family now. She loved them all so much.


End file.
